Not the time nor the place ...Yet.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow, Nov 2, 2010.

  1. difficult child-daughter made "first contact" accidentally last week via text.

    I took the opportunity to tell her it was nice to hear from her, even if by accident, and that we love her.

    She replied that we DO NOT love her or her brother our difficult child-ds.

    Both difficult child-s have been behaving as if they've been systematically going through the list of Reactive Attachment Disorder symptoms.

    Her response is typical. It is the lie her Illness has ingrained in her brain and what her"rescuers" have been bottle feeding her to keep her their captive "pet project". Every speck of it is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

    I told her I was sorry she's chosen to surround herself with people who delight in the drama she's created, feeding the lie that her parents don't love her.

    I told her we've been praying for her every night and day. I explained she may be feeling unloved because we have been honoring her request made through the courts for "no contact" (through an "order of protection" she requested but failed to show up for and the judge dismissed.)

    She replied that I was delusional and had made up many lies about her. (regarding her having Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD))

    I told her whatever she chooses to believe, we will never stop loving her and praying for her.

    It is dangerous for US to be around her until she starts demonstrating mental health. She's far from it. We continue loving her from a safe distance.

    It's pointless to argue WITH mental illness.

    I'm not saying my daughter IS mental illness. She has it. It's flaring. There is no reasoning... not now anyway.

    I think right now all she can bear to hear is that we love her, and are praying for her, and won't stop. I pray that truth would echo to her core!

    She's too sick right now to hear any thing else.

    It is not the time nor the place. Yet.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *HUGS* hon. I hope things improve.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know it has to be so incredibly hard. But you're right. As long as the mental illness has a firm grip on her and she's not being treated, there is no point in arguing with her. It will only cause more pain and she won't "get it" anyway.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are really so right and this is so hard. I believe that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in adult people is very much like some of the different personality disorders and maybe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) turns into them as adults. Just like I dont believe a diagnosis of ODD would be appropriate for an adult. Who would you be oppositional against...yourself?

    It may just be that these two kids cant allow themselves to attach and accept love because they are very afraid of the ultimate rejection so they reject first and on their terms. I am much like that myself. That is the borderline in me and I have wondered if I wouldnt have had the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) diagnosis when I was young. I dont trust easily and love comes very hard for me. It scares the pants off me.
  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Sorry things are still so hard. It's true, you can't argue with someone who has no insight. Glad you had the chance to tell her, once again, that you love her no matter what.
  6. Thanks for all the love and encouragement!!!!! I'm so grateful for this board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Janet I have read several places that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) left untreated can develop into Borderline (BPD) and other disorders ... I believe that makes sense. I've not been able to find out much published for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in early adulthood (or any stages of adulthood).

    I have heard that "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" works best for treating Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

    I've also heard that "traditional talk therapy" where the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-kids get to have a regular devoted audience for the drama they largely create is the worst possible of all "treatments."
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Could you say something to her like "Putting aside the word 'mental illness,' if you feel the need to talk with a therapist, your father and I would be willing to talk with our family physician or someone equally knowlegeable and find one for you." I think you said you did something like this before....but the waters were mudddy. Maybe getting a great that is neutral with great credentials could be of help, especially if you daughter consents to go. Well...a tall order...but if the pain is great enough, she might like to go on her own. I too am glad that you had a chance to tell her again that you love her.
    by the way, our daughter rather often pulls out the 'you don't love me' card, especially when we are denying her something she wants. It usually goes in one ear and out the other. The other day though, she was crying this hysterically in the voice recorder message and it was hard to hear. Hard to hear, 'cause it seems she may really believe this. Either way (whether she actually believes it, is usuing it as a manipulative tool or a mixture or both....its a mess...and I just can't buy into it). I just don't believe in the end it would do anyone any good to do so. She knows she is loved and as appropriate, we help her and care for her....etc. Not an easy thing when made complicated by the confusion/drama.

    ETA: Yep, it would have to be a very wise, highly trained therapist who will not buy into Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) who wants his or her client to move forward. Perhaps DBT...REality Therapy...REBT...a mixture of several. A therapist willing to try different things.....but my guess is that "wisdom" and "experience" would be key. This is NOT an easy task...not typical in any way. Not for the weak at heart.
    Lasted edited by : Nov 8, 2010