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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709105" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I got lost somewhere. Is she coming home to live?</p><p></p><p>I think you really got good counsel here. I agree with Susie and others that she is better off at home, where she has both protection and support to learn how to set boundaries, and not so much under his control.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like she is a compliant person and follows the guidance of others, without having a strong sense in herself of what is correct. I identify with this. When I am under stress, I want others to decide for me and it takes a long while until I am sure what it is that I want or not. It embarrasses me to say this but the truth is the truth.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like in him she fell under the sway of an authority figure that came to usurp your authority in your home. It is not so much that she listen to you and obey your rules but that she find in herself over time the authority to see what is in her interests and to set boundaries and guide herself by this inner voice and value. This is a process. One that I am trying to learn, belatedly, too.</p><p></p><p>Like you do here, I would be available for as much dialog as possible where she is able to express safely how he feels, to let it out, without your solving problems for her, or telling her the "right" thing to do.</p><p>I agree with the others, to give her referrals and perhaps go with her, I don't know, to domestic violence programs. If he is hitting her (or worse) she is a victim of a crime. There is free therapy available for an extended period with experienced therapists through the district attorney's office, called "victim witness" benefits. The domestic violence/crisis programs could help her.</p><p>This is helpful to ME. I do not have a daughter, but my son both wants our support, but resists any responsibility or accountability. It reminds me that any changing is a process.</p><p>I do not know how I think about this. If you KNOW he is abusing her, bullying her, controlling her, pushing her to involve herself in business transactions against her interests, manipulating her to put herself in situations against her interests--how can you allow him in your house?</p><p></p><p>Would this not be deemed as acceptance and consent? Would it not be giving him and his bad behavior your approval?</p><p>And what if he is up to no good? Why would he want so much to enter your space? For what good reason? He has deliberately undermined your family with selfish and self-serving, potentially criminal acts. Why would he want to enter your space? Why should he?</p><p> Personally, I think your home should be her and your refuge.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the forum. I hope you keep posting. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709105, member: 18958"] I got lost somewhere. Is she coming home to live? I think you really got good counsel here. I agree with Susie and others that she is better off at home, where she has both protection and support to learn how to set boundaries, and not so much under his control. It sounds like she is a compliant person and follows the guidance of others, without having a strong sense in herself of what is correct. I identify with this. When I am under stress, I want others to decide for me and it takes a long while until I am sure what it is that I want or not. It embarrasses me to say this but the truth is the truth. It sounds like in him she fell under the sway of an authority figure that came to usurp your authority in your home. It is not so much that she listen to you and obey your rules but that she find in herself over time the authority to see what is in her interests and to set boundaries and guide herself by this inner voice and value. This is a process. One that I am trying to learn, belatedly, too. Like you do here, I would be available for as much dialog as possible where she is able to express safely how he feels, to let it out, without your solving problems for her, or telling her the "right" thing to do. I agree with the others, to give her referrals and perhaps go with her, I don't know, to domestic violence programs. If he is hitting her (or worse) she is a victim of a crime. There is free therapy available for an extended period with experienced therapists through the district attorney's office, called "victim witness" benefits. The domestic violence/crisis programs could help her. This is helpful to ME. I do not have a daughter, but my son both wants our support, but resists any responsibility or accountability. It reminds me that any changing is a process. I do not know how I think about this. If you KNOW he is abusing her, bullying her, controlling her, pushing her to involve herself in business transactions against her interests, manipulating her to put herself in situations against her interests--how can you allow him in your house? Would this not be deemed as acceptance and consent? Would it not be giving him and his bad behavior your approval? And what if he is up to no good? Why would he want so much to enter your space? For what good reason? He has deliberately undermined your family with selfish and self-serving, potentially criminal acts. Why would he want to enter your space? Why should he? Personally, I think your home should be her and your refuge. Welcome to the forum. I hope you keep posting. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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