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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709394" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>We all get the sense that she is concealing something. What? And that for her that' something is related to that house or the man, or both. That I can think of as possibilities are: having two families empowers her, she may be pregnant, drugs, or blackmail. By the latter I mean the man knows something about her involvement with him in some act, and he is controlling her that way. But of course it could be none of these things.</p><p></p><p>Here is where we get to the usefulness of this forum: at some point all of us reach the point where you are. Where we no longer have the tools to help our adult children, or do not know what these are. We do not have the tools because they are adults and they are the ones who have to have the motivation to work out their problems and free or change themselves. In your case it is complicated even more because you do not know exactly and the full extent of what the problems are. You know the symptoms but not the disease. You can point to indications in her behavior, and predispositions in her personality, but you do not know exactly why this "disease" is progressing in the way that it is, because you do not know the disease. There are no means of recovery that I can think of that lie in your hands, other than what you are doing. This is a horrible position to be in.</p><p></p><p>One of her symptoms is the lying:</p><p>My son lies too. I think sometimes every 3rd word is a lie. MY son NEVER lied as a child. He did not lie that I am aware of until his early 20's after I kicked him out. In his case he lies for many reasons, although I have to admit he is doing so less now (maybe every 4 words).</p><p></p><p>Why does he do it? Sometimes it is to conceal a behavior that I frown on (marijuana). Sometimes it is to give the appearance of complying to something I want. In my son's case it seems all about "impression management." A couple of months ago he gave me the wrong name of a residential treatment center he was going to. A different place in a different city. I called and called and became frantic.</p><p></p><p>Why did he do this? He said he wanted me to think he was going to the "better" program. Imagine thinking you can alter your reality through words.</p><p></p><p>So this is what I think. I think your daughter for the first time in her life, is absent the structure of both your home, but more than this your personalities--the structure that you and your husband give--in yourselves as support. Every single thing has always been bounced off of you guys. Either as support or resistance.</p><p></p><p>I collect social security now. The last 6 months or so. My mother died 3.5 years ago. I fell completely apart for years. Why? Because I had not realized that my whole life had been lived in relation to my mother. Even mad at her for years and years--I still lived in relation to her. She still inhabited a large part of me. In my inner life and relationship to the world.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is unmoored because she is now on her own, and some of this disorientation is normal. That is why so many college students go off the deep end. And this is the appeal of gangs and the military which offer strong support and routine and identification--away from parents. </p><p></p><p>So, in some sense I am normalizing what is happening. To the extent.</p><p>Because we do not know or not if there is real danger where she is, and what she is doing. With that I refer to the possibility of drugs, crime or blackmail, or the fear that she may be concealing a pregnancy for as long as she can.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I do not know how to tell you to proceed. What I have realized myself, my son is 28, is that my health will not tolerate living in this way. I get physically ill from the contradictions, the deceit, the worry. And lately I am getting MAD. Because I belatedly realized that I am of value too. I do not deserve lies, manipulation, deceit, my stuff being taken. I do not deserve to be played. I have to take a stand for myself, too. Not just him. I was sacrificing my space, my sanity, my peace, to advocate and support him, to lead him, guide him to what is right--ignoring the effects on myself.</p><p></p><p>I realized that that was the WRONG lesson to him. I count. How can I live in such a way where I forget to take care of me? I could not.</p><p></p><p>Right now you are living your whole life almost, it seems, wondering, worrying, feeling responsible for HER. And all of her energy seems to be in resisting you or using you and your environment, according to her own needs. However sweetly. You have to it seems decide how long you want to live this way, and whether or not it is serving anybody. It took me a year to understand the real costs to me. Let alone the costs to my son.</p><p></p><p>Finally I called MYSELF on the behavior. The lies are my son's problem, not my own. He will change if and when he chooses. Not one day sooner.</p><p></p><p>Somebody earlier in the thread talked about giving your daughter the information about domestic violence services. There are also places to go for birth control information and pregnancy like Planned Parenthood. There are places to go for counseling and drug counseling. Sometimes counties have booklets where all of these agencies together are listed. I think the ball is in her court, not yours.</p><p></p><p>I might have a conversation like this: <em>Something is going on that you are not confronting directly and I do not know what it is. I want to give you this information I gathered on services. Because you have not shared with me what is going on, I cannot know what help you need. But I suggest you get help from somebody who you are willing to talk to.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And I think I might confront her every single time she tries to put you in the middle of her triangulation and her attempts to conceal or manipulate while giving you no information or control what so ever. Like the car. That galls me.</p><p></p><p><em>You are living your life as a grown up woman. You are making adult choices which are contrary to the way your father and I and this family live. Because of your choices you are responsible for how you live, what you need, and how you sustain that lifestyle. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>It is your decision whether or not to live as a family. We want you back. It is your decision.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709394, member: 18958"] We all get the sense that she is concealing something. What? And that for her that' something is related to that house or the man, or both. That I can think of as possibilities are: having two families empowers her, she may be pregnant, drugs, or blackmail. By the latter I mean the man knows something about her involvement with him in some act, and he is controlling her that way. But of course it could be none of these things. Here is where we get to the usefulness of this forum: at some point all of us reach the point where you are. Where we no longer have the tools to help our adult children, or do not know what these are. We do not have the tools because they are adults and they are the ones who have to have the motivation to work out their problems and free or change themselves. In your case it is complicated even more because you do not know exactly and the full extent of what the problems are. You know the symptoms but not the disease. You can point to indications in her behavior, and predispositions in her personality, but you do not know exactly why this "disease" is progressing in the way that it is, because you do not know the disease. There are no means of recovery that I can think of that lie in your hands, other than what you are doing. This is a horrible position to be in. One of her symptoms is the lying: My son lies too. I think sometimes every 3rd word is a lie. MY son NEVER lied as a child. He did not lie that I am aware of until his early 20's after I kicked him out. In his case he lies for many reasons, although I have to admit he is doing so less now (maybe every 4 words). Why does he do it? Sometimes it is to conceal a behavior that I frown on (marijuana). Sometimes it is to give the appearance of complying to something I want. In my son's case it seems all about "impression management." A couple of months ago he gave me the wrong name of a residential treatment center he was going to. A different place in a different city. I called and called and became frantic. Why did he do this? He said he wanted me to think he was going to the "better" program. Imagine thinking you can alter your reality through words. So this is what I think. I think your daughter for the first time in her life, is absent the structure of both your home, but more than this your personalities--the structure that you and your husband give--in yourselves as support. Every single thing has always been bounced off of you guys. Either as support or resistance. I collect social security now. The last 6 months or so. My mother died 3.5 years ago. I fell completely apart for years. Why? Because I had not realized that my whole life had been lived in relation to my mother. Even mad at her for years and years--I still lived in relation to her. She still inhabited a large part of me. In my inner life and relationship to the world. Your daughter is unmoored because she is now on her own, and some of this disorientation is normal. That is why so many college students go off the deep end. And this is the appeal of gangs and the military which offer strong support and routine and identification--away from parents. So, in some sense I am normalizing what is happening. To the extent. Because we do not know or not if there is real danger where she is, and what she is doing. With that I refer to the possibility of drugs, crime or blackmail, or the fear that she may be concealing a pregnancy for as long as she can. Honestly, I do not know how to tell you to proceed. What I have realized myself, my son is 28, is that my health will not tolerate living in this way. I get physically ill from the contradictions, the deceit, the worry. And lately I am getting MAD. Because I belatedly realized that I am of value too. I do not deserve lies, manipulation, deceit, my stuff being taken. I do not deserve to be played. I have to take a stand for myself, too. Not just him. I was sacrificing my space, my sanity, my peace, to advocate and support him, to lead him, guide him to what is right--ignoring the effects on myself. I realized that that was the WRONG lesson to him. I count. How can I live in such a way where I forget to take care of me? I could not. Right now you are living your whole life almost, it seems, wondering, worrying, feeling responsible for HER. And all of her energy seems to be in resisting you or using you and your environment, according to her own needs. However sweetly. You have to it seems decide how long you want to live this way, and whether or not it is serving anybody. It took me a year to understand the real costs to me. Let alone the costs to my son. Finally I called MYSELF on the behavior. The lies are my son's problem, not my own. He will change if and when he chooses. Not one day sooner. Somebody earlier in the thread talked about giving your daughter the information about domestic violence services. There are also places to go for birth control information and pregnancy like Planned Parenthood. There are places to go for counseling and drug counseling. Sometimes counties have booklets where all of these agencies together are listed. I think the ball is in her court, not yours. I might have a conversation like this: [I]Something is going on that you are not confronting directly and I do not know what it is. I want to give you this information I gathered on services. Because you have not shared with me what is going on, I cannot know what help you need. But I suggest you get help from somebody who you are willing to talk to. [/I] And I think I might confront her every single time she tries to put you in the middle of her triangulation and her attempts to conceal or manipulate while giving you no information or control what so ever. Like the car. That galls me. [I]You are living your life as a grown up woman. You are making adult choices which are contrary to the way your father and I and this family live. Because of your choices you are responsible for how you live, what you need, and how you sustain that lifestyle. It is your decision whether or not to live as a family. We want you back. It is your decision.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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