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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709575" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cindy Marie. Your new home sounds lovely and just perfect in every way. It sounds so welcoming and peaceful. I love this for you.</p><p></p><p>Look. Let me tell you how I think about good and evil. Which is very similar to your own way of thinking, just in my own words.</p><p></p><p>I think a lot about "evil" and my thinking is changing.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I hold myself responsible. I ask myself? If I were NOT evil, why would I not seem to be the center of all of these bad things that happen to me? And I try to look at myself, as having caused all this. Because that is what human beings seem to do. To make sense of things based upon their own participation. True or not.</p><p></p><p>For you to come to believe even a little that this move ushered in these problems, is to willfully deny yourself the well-deserved pleasure and self-esteem that you and your husband were able to attain such a place in your lives.</p><p></p><p>I work with a spiritual director In my own faith. And we have been talking about evil. She believes that evil is a shell, and that within evil there is always the potential to become good. In the same way, good always has in it a kernel of possibility for evil. I like this way of thinking because it keeps me responsible. I understand that there is always the opposite in each thing. This keeps me honest and going on the right track, not arrogant, believing that I am totally right about anything. I keep myself guessing, and recommitting to what is best.</p><p></p><p>Because g-d is everywhere. Even in bad things, we can find good. If we look, and commit ourselves. Every moment.</p><p></p><p>Even here. In this difficult moment.</p><p></p><p>To doubt the wonderfulness of your home, and your deservedness of it. I agree with you. This is not good, and we need to work against the temptation to take away from ourselves the good we have worked for and we deserve.</p><p></p><p>This way of thinking I see as you undermining yourself:</p><p>Your daughter is proud of her home and she is proud of you her mother, and her father.</p><p></p><p>This is the kind of thing that happens TO ALMOST EVERYBODY with kids that are your kids' age. Your daughter is practicing, without her training wheels. You and your husband and home are her training wheels. She is seeing who she is, on her own. She keeps watching you to see and to measure how she is doing. That is your new role here. To watch her as she struggles to find balance and direction...and to trust that she will find both.</p><p></p><p>All of the rest of us here are trying to do the same thing. We hold each others' hands as our kids careen one way or another. And we try to help each other find a way to tolerate this, to be OK, to know what to do, where to stand. So that our kids find their way. Or when our kids do not, find a way to live.</p><p></p><p>This is very, very hard for all of us, each of us.</p><p>This kind of betrayal most of us have suffered. I was devastated. My son did this too. This more than anything I think crushed my spirit.</p><p></p><p>I WAS WRONG. I have written this over and over again. To the extent I suffered one minute about this gossip and my son's role in it was stupid.</p><p></p><p>Your children are no longer living with you in the center of their lives. They are showing you this. They want to be autonomous and they are showing us that they can be.</p><p></p><p>But they are ambivalent. That is why they blame us and gossip about us. That is why they keep coming home and then when they do they lie to us.</p><p></p><p>While our kids are trying to become independent and to make us peripheral in their lives (at least our authority and our control--not necessarily our support, either moral or financial) we are still holding them in a central position in our own emotional lives. This is the problem. They are still the hub of the wheel around which we live. WRONG.</p><p></p><p>If I am distressed and confused about my son, I feel distressed and confused about myself and my life becomes a mess. I feel a mess and a failure. That is what comes of holding our ADULT kids as the center.</p><p></p><p>Because they are wanting to move on. We cannot keep as center people whose lives and actions are in their control. Only theirs.</p><p></p><p>This is the quandary and the WORK we do here on this forum. Taking back ourselves and our lives as our own spiritual center. And to this you speak in your post above. It truly, truly is a spiritual endeavor, I agree.</p><p></p><p>I sympathize and support you in your health challenges and those of your husband who sounds like a very, very fine man.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709575, member: 18958"] Cindy Marie. Your new home sounds lovely and just perfect in every way. It sounds so welcoming and peaceful. I love this for you. Look. Let me tell you how I think about good and evil. Which is very similar to your own way of thinking, just in my own words. I think a lot about "evil" and my thinking is changing. Sometimes I hold myself responsible. I ask myself? If I were NOT evil, why would I not seem to be the center of all of these bad things that happen to me? And I try to look at myself, as having caused all this. Because that is what human beings seem to do. To make sense of things based upon their own participation. True or not. For you to come to believe even a little that this move ushered in these problems, is to willfully deny yourself the well-deserved pleasure and self-esteem that you and your husband were able to attain such a place in your lives. I work with a spiritual director In my own faith. And we have been talking about evil. She believes that evil is a shell, and that within evil there is always the potential to become good. In the same way, good always has in it a kernel of possibility for evil. I like this way of thinking because it keeps me responsible. I understand that there is always the opposite in each thing. This keeps me honest and going on the right track, not arrogant, believing that I am totally right about anything. I keep myself guessing, and recommitting to what is best. Because g-d is everywhere. Even in bad things, we can find good. If we look, and commit ourselves. Every moment. Even here. In this difficult moment. To doubt the wonderfulness of your home, and your deservedness of it. I agree with you. This is not good, and we need to work against the temptation to take away from ourselves the good we have worked for and we deserve. This way of thinking I see as you undermining yourself: Your daughter is proud of her home and she is proud of you her mother, and her father. This is the kind of thing that happens TO ALMOST EVERYBODY with kids that are your kids' age. Your daughter is practicing, without her training wheels. You and your husband and home are her training wheels. She is seeing who she is, on her own. She keeps watching you to see and to measure how she is doing. That is your new role here. To watch her as she struggles to find balance and direction...and to trust that she will find both. All of the rest of us here are trying to do the same thing. We hold each others' hands as our kids careen one way or another. And we try to help each other find a way to tolerate this, to be OK, to know what to do, where to stand. So that our kids find their way. Or when our kids do not, find a way to live. This is very, very hard for all of us, each of us. This kind of betrayal most of us have suffered. I was devastated. My son did this too. This more than anything I think crushed my spirit. I WAS WRONG. I have written this over and over again. To the extent I suffered one minute about this gossip and my son's role in it was stupid. Your children are no longer living with you in the center of their lives. They are showing you this. They want to be autonomous and they are showing us that they can be. But they are ambivalent. That is why they blame us and gossip about us. That is why they keep coming home and then when they do they lie to us. While our kids are trying to become independent and to make us peripheral in their lives (at least our authority and our control--not necessarily our support, either moral or financial) we are still holding them in a central position in our own emotional lives. This is the problem. They are still the hub of the wheel around which we live. WRONG. If I am distressed and confused about my son, I feel distressed and confused about myself and my life becomes a mess. I feel a mess and a failure. That is what comes of holding our ADULT kids as the center. Because they are wanting to move on. We cannot keep as center people whose lives and actions are in their control. Only theirs. This is the quandary and the WORK we do here on this forum. Taking back ourselves and our lives as our own spiritual center. And to this you speak in your post above. It truly, truly is a spiritual endeavor, I agree. I sympathize and support you in your health challenges and those of your husband who sounds like a very, very fine man. [/QUOTE]
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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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