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Occupational Therapist (OT), struggling with family deceit (long)
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 594378" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Sig, I don't know if this will help you, but I wrote this recently and will relay my feelings about dysfunctional family members to you. Remember, the circumtances are different, but it's still about family dynamics. Hope I have a few crumbs you can take when you think about your family and deal with them. The whole story is on the Watercooler. Maybe you need to just accept that some members of your family are toxic to you and move from there. Is it good to be in business with them?:</p><p></p><p></p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><p style="margin-left: 20px">Thank you. I am afraid too many people are brainwashed into thinking that just because people may share DNA that they have to include them in their lives. Many of the black sheep kids (like me) are the ones who, at a desperate attempt to be loved to the end, are the ones who take care of Mom when she is at the end of her life, even though she abused the person her entire life. I have sat in many group therapy sessions where members spoke of how they were the ones who stepped up to help when Mom was desperate and yet Mom still loved the other siblings more and abused them as they did their selfless caregiving. <br /> <br /> Some people will think this is horrible, but I don't care because I know it is right. When my mom had brain cancer, I did not go down to see her. At all. She had had a tumor in her brain at 67 and made everyone in the family not tell me. She finally did tell me a few years later as I always attempted to mend fences and kept calling her.I was so hurt when I found out that she hadn't allowed anyone to tell me she had a brain tumor. Eight years later when she had brain cancer, I had changed a lot and learned a lot about how to deal with people who don't care about you. Although Mom was feeble by then and wouldn't have known who I was, I didn't go. If she had been in her right mind, she wouldn't have wanted me there. Never once, in over ten years had she ever called me and she had never seen my youngest two children. She made it clear, we didn't matter. Not once did she even send any of us, grandkids included, a birthday card. Nothing.<br /> <br /> I let my sister do all the caregiving. She was the one who my mother had a relationship with so why should I drive down from WIsconsin and haul her back and forth to doctors and visit her at the nursing home? My sister was overstressed, but they had that connection that my mom didn't want to have with me. So she had to do it, since my brother lives in NJ. <br /> <br /> I did go to Mom's funeral, but I didn't feel sad. It was like a stranger had passed. I was mostly there to comfort those who had known Mom, like my nieces and nephews. I did not tell my children to go and they chose not to as they didn't know her. The last child she had seen was Julie at age six. She had called 35 and abused him several times over the phone when he was sixteen, her last contact with him. She had never seen Sonic and Jumper and had refused to go to my wedding with Tom. <br /> <br /> I feel sorry for the "black sheep, treated like dirt" who try to do the right thing and get loved until the very end. I understand their motives. But I think they are making choices that will only hurt them. I have told that to many people in my group therapy too. Sadly, we as a society keep insisting that DNA is the most important tie in the world, that blood is IT, that how you are treated by that blood is secondary...that friends who have stood by you through thick and thin are not as worthy as your DNA relatives who abuse you. It causes a lot of anguish and pain.<br /> <br /> I refuse to share that pain or to ever buy that DNA argument ever again. And I'm glad I had learned enough not to be the one who run to Mom when she was so sick. My sister would have gladly let me do it...it was hard for her. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. It wasn't my place. In her heart, I really wasn't important to her. We had been estranged for a very long time and I'm glad I knew that nothing I did would change that. When I found out she had disinherited me, I was REALLY REALLY glad I had made the choice I had made. <br /> <br /> I have gone with Tom on mother's day to see his mother's grave and pray for her and put flowers on her grave. I never met her, but I know she would have loved me and she was good to Tom. I have never been back to see Mom. Or should I say, the woman who gave birth to me.</p> <br /> <br /> <br /> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Me, over 21, mood disorder/anxiety--doing VERY well (paroxotene,clonazapan)</p> <br /> <br /> <br /> Re: Shocked at how good I've gotten at letting go without feeling devestated.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"> <br /> <p style="margin-left: 20px"> Dazed, thank you and peace to you as well. I hope many lurkers who are in our shoes, struggling with unloving parents who they want to please, read this post. You are worthwhile and wonderful whether your family can see it or not. Often, there is a person in a dysfunctional family who HAS to take on the role as everyone's black sheep. I was that person. None of them, the things that they said about me, were who I really was. They had their own versions of how they wanted me to be so that they could justify their meanness. <br /> <br /> <br /> I'm glad you figured out that your father was a sociopath. I don't think anyone in my family is that, but I do see lots of mental health issues and a sort of coldness in their veins. Except for my brother, they can all be incredibly mean. <br /> <br /> <br /> I like the bumper sticker: "Mean People Sock."</p> <br /> <br /> <br /> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Me, over 21, mood disorder/anxiety--doing VERY well (paroxotene,clonazapan)<br /> Hub over 21, good hub, great father<br /> SportsFan#1 34, mood disorder, having hard time after divorce<br /> PastryChef#26 ex-drug addict, turned her life around<br /> Sonic 18 Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), adopted at age 2, super young man<br /> Jumper 15, ADD, friendly, great athlete, great kid <br /> easy child Dogs: shizu/chihuahua mix (Damian) and Yorkie/Bichon mix (Chloe)</p> </li> </ul></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 594378, member: 1550"] Sig, I don't know if this will help you, but I wrote this recently and will relay my feelings about dysfunctional family members to you. Remember, the circumtances are different, but it's still about family dynamics. Hope I have a few crumbs you can take when you think about your family and deal with them. The whole story is on the Watercooler. Maybe you need to just accept that some members of your family are toxic to you and move from there. Is it good to be in business with them?: [LIST] [*][INDENT]Thank you. I am afraid too many people are brainwashed into thinking that just because people may share DNA that they have to include them in their lives. Many of the black sheep kids (like me) are the ones who, at a desperate attempt to be loved to the end, are the ones who take care of Mom when she is at the end of her life, even though she abused the person her entire life. I have sat in many group therapy sessions where members spoke of how they were the ones who stepped up to help when Mom was desperate and yet Mom still loved the other siblings more and abused them as they did their selfless caregiving. Some people will think this is horrible, but I don't care because I know it is right. When my mom had brain cancer, I did not go down to see her. At all. She had had a tumor in her brain at 67 and made everyone in the family not tell me. She finally did tell me a few years later as I always attempted to mend fences and kept calling her.I was so hurt when I found out that she hadn't allowed anyone to tell me she had a brain tumor. Eight years later when she had brain cancer, I had changed a lot and learned a lot about how to deal with people who don't care about you. Although Mom was feeble by then and wouldn't have known who I was, I didn't go. If she had been in her right mind, she wouldn't have wanted me there. Never once, in over ten years had she ever called me and she had never seen my youngest two children. She made it clear, we didn't matter. Not once did she even send any of us, grandkids included, a birthday card. Nothing. I let my sister do all the caregiving. She was the one who my mother had a relationship with so why should I drive down from WIsconsin and haul her back and forth to doctors and visit her at the nursing home? My sister was overstressed, but they had that connection that my mom didn't want to have with me. So she had to do it, since my brother lives in NJ. I did go to Mom's funeral, but I didn't feel sad. It was like a stranger had passed. I was mostly there to comfort those who had known Mom, like my nieces and nephews. I did not tell my children to go and they chose not to as they didn't know her. The last child she had seen was Julie at age six. She had called 35 and abused him several times over the phone when he was sixteen, her last contact with him. She had never seen Sonic and Jumper and had refused to go to my wedding with Tom. I feel sorry for the "black sheep, treated like dirt" who try to do the right thing and get loved until the very end. I understand their motives. But I think they are making choices that will only hurt them. I have told that to many people in my group therapy too. Sadly, we as a society keep insisting that DNA is the most important tie in the world, that blood is IT, that how you are treated by that blood is secondary...that friends who have stood by you through thick and thin are not as worthy as your DNA relatives who abuse you. It causes a lot of anguish and pain. I refuse to share that pain or to ever buy that DNA argument ever again. And I'm glad I had learned enough not to be the one who run to Mom when she was so sick. My sister would have gladly let me do it...it was hard for her. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. It wasn't my place. In her heart, I really wasn't important to her. We had been estranged for a very long time and I'm glad I knew that nothing I did would change that. When I found out she had disinherited me, I was REALLY REALLY glad I had made the choice I had made. I have gone with Tom on mother's day to see his mother's grave and pray for her and put flowers on her grave. I never met her, but I know she would have loved me and she was good to Tom. I have never been back to see Mom. Or should I say, the woman who gave birth to me.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Me, over 21, mood disorder/anxiety--doing VERY well (paroxotene,clonazapan)[/INDENT] Re: Shocked at how good I've gotten at letting go without feeling devestated. [*] [INDENT] Dazed, thank you and peace to you as well. I hope many lurkers who are in our shoes, struggling with unloving parents who they want to please, read this post. You are worthwhile and wonderful whether your family can see it or not. Often, there is a person in a dysfunctional family who HAS to take on the role as everyone's black sheep. I was that person. None of them, the things that they said about me, were who I really was. They had their own versions of how they wanted me to be so that they could justify their meanness. I'm glad you figured out that your father was a sociopath. I don't think anyone in my family is that, but I do see lots of mental health issues and a sort of coldness in their veins. Except for my brother, they can all be incredibly mean. I like the bumper sticker: "Mean People Sock."[/INDENT] [INDENT]Me, over 21, mood disorder/anxiety--doing VERY well (paroxotene,clonazapan) Hub over 21, good hub, great father SportsFan#1 34, mood disorder, having hard time after divorce PastryChef#26 ex-drug addict, turned her life around Sonic 18 Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), adopted at age 2, super young man Jumper 15, ADD, friendly, great athlete, great kid easy child Dogs: shizu/chihuahua mix (Damian) and Yorkie/Bichon mix (Chloe)[/INDENT] [/LIST] [/QUOTE]
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