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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 468965" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>There is a little bit of extra pressure I think because you probably have heard from people things they mean in kindness but you know are just ...well, not true, like "you are such a saint to adopt a child...". It can make it hard to go easier on yourself when you know you chose this. I have heard that too, "well...you chose this". Then in my sanity I think, WHAT???? Everyone who is parenting ...on some level, chooses it. It may have been due to a not so great situation, even an "accidental pregnancy", that does happen....but the choice in the end to have a child live with them and to parent is still theirs. </p><p>My sisters help me get a grip when I hear them confess there are days they "hate" their kids. Even have a hidden place that wants to hurt them (they dont). They each only have bio kids. Bonding is a life-long process. It is not all uphill for most parents. I remember being scared that though I had love for my son when he first came home, what if I didn't really LOVE him like a mom loves a child. And even through the abuse he dishes and heart ache, my heart couldn't love him more. Do I feel numb and a lack of loving feelings at times, yes. And it sounds so awful to say that but for sure I do. </p><p>It has helped me here too, to see that there is just as much heart ache and hard feelings toward bio children (and grandchildren) in these kinds of situations. It is just a different road but this kind of real stress can happen in adoptive and bio situations. I know you know that, but it can feel sad and make you doubt yourself in moments like this.</p><p>It is ok to still grieve for the loss of your babies. I've never lost a child, but still have dreams that I am pregnant and can't believe it finally happened. And I chose adoption not out of a lack of choices, I just didn't have a hubby I wanted to have a baby with and for me, that was the only way I wanted to make baby come into the world. It really was a choice but I still admit I grieve for the loss of a dream to have a bio child. I wonder if it would be all rocking chairs and sweet stories with singing in the bathtub and many other things that didn't happen with difficult child. He had different ways to have fun and bond with me. That's ok too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 468965, member: 12886"] There is a little bit of extra pressure I think because you probably have heard from people things they mean in kindness but you know are just ...well, not true, like "you are such a saint to adopt a child...". It can make it hard to go easier on yourself when you know you chose this. I have heard that too, "well...you chose this". Then in my sanity I think, WHAT???? Everyone who is parenting ...on some level, chooses it. It may have been due to a not so great situation, even an "accidental pregnancy", that does happen....but the choice in the end to have a child live with them and to parent is still theirs. My sisters help me get a grip when I hear them confess there are days they "hate" their kids. Even have a hidden place that wants to hurt them (they dont). They each only have bio kids. Bonding is a life-long process. It is not all uphill for most parents. I remember being scared that though I had love for my son when he first came home, what if I didn't really LOVE him like a mom loves a child. And even through the abuse he dishes and heart ache, my heart couldn't love him more. Do I feel numb and a lack of loving feelings at times, yes. And it sounds so awful to say that but for sure I do. It has helped me here too, to see that there is just as much heart ache and hard feelings toward bio children (and grandchildren) in these kinds of situations. It is just a different road but this kind of real stress can happen in adoptive and bio situations. I know you know that, but it can feel sad and make you doubt yourself in moments like this. It is ok to still grieve for the loss of your babies. I've never lost a child, but still have dreams that I am pregnant and can't believe it finally happened. And I chose adoption not out of a lack of choices, I just didn't have a hubby I wanted to have a baby with and for me, that was the only way I wanted to make baby come into the world. It really was a choice but I still admit I grieve for the loss of a dream to have a bio child. I wonder if it would be all rocking chairs and sweet stories with singing in the bathtub and many other things that didn't happen with difficult child. He had different ways to have fun and bond with me. That's ok too. [/QUOTE]
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