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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 376244" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Starbie and Susie........I love you both!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p><p></p><p>And yeah, I've thought about all those things for weeks and weeks now. Yes.....I've been taking this very slowly. I know there is a high chance K has not reached her rock bottom and is attempting to play me. Star you and I are very very much alike. My Mom still doesn't have a clue of 99 percent of what I've gone through in 27 yrs. mother in law only partially did because she always took us in when we were homeless....but even she didn't know much until I dug my feet in and said ENOUGH. Is K to that point....most likely not since she is still at the "he needs another chance" stage.</p><p></p><p>I know K probably better than she knows herself........I've lived with her Dad for nearly 3 decades. She will come here invited or not. I knew I'd be facing this eventually since the first contact. And off and on for the past 2 yrs I've been thinking about how I would handle it. If it is possible to arrange for a shelter, she won't park on my doorstep, or her sibs doorstep with 3 wide eyed kids in tow. I have had both girls seriously thinking about boundaries when it comes to K and the kids. Been having long talks with Nichole about how we would have to be very careful not to over help as it would not give her motivation to change. I've made it clear that should she and the kids come we will only do the little things we do for each other that make life with family what it is. Honestly, I don't see it being an issue on the over helping part. Both girls have good boundaries set up with each other.....no borrowing money ect. I don't doubt it will be the same with K. They've both had to work hard, and both have had to go without.......they're not going to be svckers for the sympathy card any more than I am.</p><p></p><p>I've thought long and hard about the pros and cons. And honestly I have no expectations of K suddenly turning her life around. If she did that would be wonderful.......but I'll believe it when I see it. Pros are that she would have the opportunity to change with encouragement from us.......along with seeing how her younger sibs are fairing compared to her....who knows maybe that will be motivation. (one can hope lol), grandkids would be close so would be easier to make their lives somewhat more pleasant.......as well as give them good examples to follow as role models. And really that's about it because the rest would be up to K. Other than I know this county and town and can direct her to soup kitchens and free meals at churches ect.....so they won't go hungry.</p><p></p><p>I understand totally what you're saying Star. And I love you for saying it. And you may be right and I may be doing exactly what you've done with Dude in the past. But K got 1 chance with me and she blew it. One. Not the over and over thing. Maybe she'll do it again. Actually she probably will. But everyone should get a 2nd chance....especially from family. What she does with that chance is completely up to her. The ball will be in her court.</p><p></p><p>I'm not really sure if I can explain it so others really understand, especially since many see her as just a step daughter so why should I care so much.....But in this situation I also have to do the Right thing for Me. So I'm following my heart trusting it to tell me what the right thing is while trusting my head to make sure I'm doing it the right way. My culture raised me that family comes first above all else. No excuses. You simply do not ignore a family member in need. Now K stuck with a loser husband in a crummy motel room with no jobs, no money, no whatever.....she had a roof over head and food. I could deal with it......did not like it, but I could handle it. The basics were taken care of. But homeless and hungry I can't. It goes against everything I believe in, everything I was taught. And I can't live with just trying to ignore it......not unless you want to see me in a deep depression in a month or so. Not to mention it goes against everything I've spent a lifetime teaching my kids.</p><p></p><p>So I can do what I can live with. I can ask a shelter if they can hold spots for them. I can offer an occasional meal if I'm making one of mine that can feed an army. (cuz I just can't seem to make it just for 3 people anyway) I can pick up the occasional item at yard sales for the grands just like I do anyway. I don't babysit......or only rarely and when I want to. I don't loan money, don't help with bills, don't help find places to live or jobs, don't give rides unless it's no skin off my nose to do so either with gas or time, I don't do Drama, I don't do rescue the kids. (hahaha experience with Nichole put an end to that sort of thing forever), your relationship with your partner is whatever you make of it.....you live with them not me.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, other than the shelter thing......would not be doing one thing for K and her kids that I don't do for the others. But the little things I do do.........well I can't do with her and the kids so far away. And even though they are little things most people take for granted.....they make life more pleasant and tolerable even when you're down and out.</p><p></p><p>Funny thing about this.......I have wised up tons in 10 yrs. And after spending the past 4 yrs in school working my fanny off to be a nurse.........Phhht, no excuses about NOT going to school, NOT having a job, oh but I have kids, what about babysitters, I don't have a car is gonna gain an ounce of empathy/sympathy from me. If she wants it, she's gonna have to work her tail off to get it just like everyone else and I've already told her so. If she doesn't.......then it's her problem to deal with. I worked my fanny off for MY career and the job and money I will have........and it wasn't to support her family of 5. Big difference between helping and handicapping.</p><p></p><p>So because I am who I am, I can give her a 2nd chance even when I don't expect anything. I can be a mother and a grandmother and still expect her to behave like a responsible adult and let her deal with it if she doesn't. That I can live with. That is how I was raised.</p><p></p><p>All that said.......and gee didn't mean for it to be so long lol.....I've called shelters.....and do these people yak on the phone all day or let residents use the phone? I get a busy signal 9 times out of 10 and that 10th time no one picks up. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /> So I'll get up early tomorrow (have slept in since no school) and see if I can catch someone that way. K has not said anything but I suspect they are no longer in the shelter there. She has my number with instructions on how to make a collect call without it costing me anything. (Travis and I have this down to a fine art) If she was in a shelter, I'd imagine she'd have called already. As it is she's still using the library and their computer.</p><p></p><p>I'm doing what I can to help give her that 2nd chance........but not sweating over it. Not like I'm hovered over the phone all day hoping someone will pick up. I know our shelters are busy and full. She may have a while to wait. There are still opportunities here if she chooses to take advantage of them, not as many as their were 10 yrs ago, but enough to get her a place to live, a job ect. So well see. Like I said, no expectations. Just offering her a helping hand, it's up to her what she is going to do with it.</p><p></p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 376244, member: 84"] Starbie and Susie........I love you both!! :happy: And yeah, I've thought about all those things for weeks and weeks now. Yes.....I've been taking this very slowly. I know there is a high chance K has not reached her rock bottom and is attempting to play me. Star you and I are very very much alike. My Mom still doesn't have a clue of 99 percent of what I've gone through in 27 yrs. mother in law only partially did because she always took us in when we were homeless....but even she didn't know much until I dug my feet in and said ENOUGH. Is K to that point....most likely not since she is still at the "he needs another chance" stage. I know K probably better than she knows herself........I've lived with her Dad for nearly 3 decades. She will come here invited or not. I knew I'd be facing this eventually since the first contact. And off and on for the past 2 yrs I've been thinking about how I would handle it. If it is possible to arrange for a shelter, she won't park on my doorstep, or her sibs doorstep with 3 wide eyed kids in tow. I have had both girls seriously thinking about boundaries when it comes to K and the kids. Been having long talks with Nichole about how we would have to be very careful not to over help as it would not give her motivation to change. I've made it clear that should she and the kids come we will only do the little things we do for each other that make life with family what it is. Honestly, I don't see it being an issue on the over helping part. Both girls have good boundaries set up with each other.....no borrowing money ect. I don't doubt it will be the same with K. They've both had to work hard, and both have had to go without.......they're not going to be svckers for the sympathy card any more than I am. I've thought long and hard about the pros and cons. And honestly I have no expectations of K suddenly turning her life around. If she did that would be wonderful.......but I'll believe it when I see it. Pros are that she would have the opportunity to change with encouragement from us.......along with seeing how her younger sibs are fairing compared to her....who knows maybe that will be motivation. (one can hope lol), grandkids would be close so would be easier to make their lives somewhat more pleasant.......as well as give them good examples to follow as role models. And really that's about it because the rest would be up to K. Other than I know this county and town and can direct her to soup kitchens and free meals at churches ect.....so they won't go hungry. I understand totally what you're saying Star. And I love you for saying it. And you may be right and I may be doing exactly what you've done with Dude in the past. But K got 1 chance with me and she blew it. One. Not the over and over thing. Maybe she'll do it again. Actually she probably will. But everyone should get a 2nd chance....especially from family. What she does with that chance is completely up to her. The ball will be in her court. I'm not really sure if I can explain it so others really understand, especially since many see her as just a step daughter so why should I care so much.....But in this situation I also have to do the Right thing for Me. So I'm following my heart trusting it to tell me what the right thing is while trusting my head to make sure I'm doing it the right way. My culture raised me that family comes first above all else. No excuses. You simply do not ignore a family member in need. Now K stuck with a loser husband in a crummy motel room with no jobs, no money, no whatever.....she had a roof over head and food. I could deal with it......did not like it, but I could handle it. The basics were taken care of. But homeless and hungry I can't. It goes against everything I believe in, everything I was taught. And I can't live with just trying to ignore it......not unless you want to see me in a deep depression in a month or so. Not to mention it goes against everything I've spent a lifetime teaching my kids. So I can do what I can live with. I can ask a shelter if they can hold spots for them. I can offer an occasional meal if I'm making one of mine that can feed an army. (cuz I just can't seem to make it just for 3 people anyway) I can pick up the occasional item at yard sales for the grands just like I do anyway. I don't babysit......or only rarely and when I want to. I don't loan money, don't help with bills, don't help find places to live or jobs, don't give rides unless it's no skin off my nose to do so either with gas or time, I don't do Drama, I don't do rescue the kids. (hahaha experience with Nichole put an end to that sort of thing forever), your relationship with your partner is whatever you make of it.....you live with them not me. Honestly, other than the shelter thing......would not be doing one thing for K and her kids that I don't do for the others. But the little things I do do.........well I can't do with her and the kids so far away. And even though they are little things most people take for granted.....they make life more pleasant and tolerable even when you're down and out. Funny thing about this.......I have wised up tons in 10 yrs. And after spending the past 4 yrs in school working my fanny off to be a nurse.........Phhht, no excuses about NOT going to school, NOT having a job, oh but I have kids, what about babysitters, I don't have a car is gonna gain an ounce of empathy/sympathy from me. If she wants it, she's gonna have to work her tail off to get it just like everyone else and I've already told her so. If she doesn't.......then it's her problem to deal with. I worked my fanny off for MY career and the job and money I will have........and it wasn't to support her family of 5. Big difference between helping and handicapping. So because I am who I am, I can give her a 2nd chance even when I don't expect anything. I can be a mother and a grandmother and still expect her to behave like a responsible adult and let her deal with it if she doesn't. That I can live with. That is how I was raised. All that said.......and gee didn't mean for it to be so long lol.....I've called shelters.....and do these people yak on the phone all day or let residents use the phone? I get a busy signal 9 times out of 10 and that 10th time no one picks up. :raspberry-tounge: So I'll get up early tomorrow (have slept in since no school) and see if I can catch someone that way. K has not said anything but I suspect they are no longer in the shelter there. She has my number with instructions on how to make a collect call without it costing me anything. (Travis and I have this down to a fine art) If she was in a shelter, I'd imagine she'd have called already. As it is she's still using the library and their computer. I'm doing what I can to help give her that 2nd chance........but not sweating over it. Not like I'm hovered over the phone all day hoping someone will pick up. I know our shelters are busy and full. She may have a while to wait. There are still opportunities here if she chooses to take advantage of them, not as many as their were 10 yrs ago, but enough to get her a place to live, a job ect. So well see. Like I said, no expectations. Just offering her a helping hand, it's up to her what she is going to do with it. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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