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OH THE SHAME - I'm done.
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<blockquote data-quote="everywoman" data-source="post: 194269" data-attributes="member: 1436"><p>Star--</p><p>I have been where you've been. I have walked in your shoes. </p><p></p><p>I knew when difficult child committed his last crime that he was not guilty of the crime he was charged with. In fact, each time he has been charged, it has always been for something besides what he really did. Each time he faced charges I took the same stance---if any part of what you are charged with is true---you will face the charges. </p><p></p><p>So, he really didn't bash anyone's mailbox. He was in the backseat of a compact with no windows. He was in the car. Charges: Destruction of property. </p><p></p><p>So, he didn't really make the harassing phone call to the guys who "lynched" him. He did have a friend make the call from another location, another phone. Charges: Unlawful use of a phone.</p><p></p><p>So, he didn't really steal and forge the check. He did try to cash it. Charges: felony forgery. </p><p></p><p>So, he wasn't really drinking the alcohol in the car. He was driving around with a friend who was drinking. Charges: minor in possession. </p><p></p><p>Each time he was a little bit guilty. Each time, he had to face those charges with a guilty plea. The felony could have gotten him 15 years. I didn't hire an attorney for him except when he was a minor and the pd would have cost $500 (because he was a minor and I was legally responsible for his debts). I paid an attorney whose daughter I taught $100 to go to court with him so he could plead guilty. </p><p></p><p>I always thought he would learn from his mistakes and not take it to the next level if I made him face the charges even if they were unfair. I think now that I was right. </p><p></p><p>But, I made him believe that I knew they were unfair, and that was my biggest mistake. I made him accountable to the law but not to himself. I made excuses right along with him. I didn't correct him when the other boys who actually bashed the mailboxes got off with PTI because they were adults and he faced 9 months of strict probation and service hours. I agreed with him that yes, it wasn't fair. I shouldn't have. When he faced the felony forgery charge, I told him that it was unfair that the others who actually stole the check and forged it got off free. When he lost his license for 6 months for MIP, I commiserated with him of the unfairness of it all. And I regret my choices in how I dealt with his "low self esteem" more than anything else I have ever done as a parent.</p><p></p><p>I don't even know if this makes sense to you. But, for some reason, I had to write it today. Hope it helps in your struggle to gain some insight into yours and dude's relationship.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="everywoman, post: 194269, member: 1436"] Star-- I have been where you've been. I have walked in your shoes. I knew when difficult child committed his last crime that he was not guilty of the crime he was charged with. In fact, each time he has been charged, it has always been for something besides what he really did. Each time he faced charges I took the same stance---if any part of what you are charged with is true---you will face the charges. So, he really didn't bash anyone's mailbox. He was in the backseat of a compact with no windows. He was in the car. Charges: Destruction of property. So, he didn't really make the harassing phone call to the guys who "lynched" him. He did have a friend make the call from another location, another phone. Charges: Unlawful use of a phone. So, he didn't really steal and forge the check. He did try to cash it. Charges: felony forgery. So, he wasn't really drinking the alcohol in the car. He was driving around with a friend who was drinking. Charges: minor in possession. Each time he was a little bit guilty. Each time, he had to face those charges with a guilty plea. The felony could have gotten him 15 years. I didn't hire an attorney for him except when he was a minor and the pd would have cost $500 (because he was a minor and I was legally responsible for his debts). I paid an attorney whose daughter I taught $100 to go to court with him so he could plead guilty. I always thought he would learn from his mistakes and not take it to the next level if I made him face the charges even if they were unfair. I think now that I was right. But, I made him believe that I knew they were unfair, and that was my biggest mistake. I made him accountable to the law but not to himself. I made excuses right along with him. I didn't correct him when the other boys who actually bashed the mailboxes got off with PTI because they were adults and he faced 9 months of strict probation and service hours. I agreed with him that yes, it wasn't fair. I shouldn't have. When he faced the felony forgery charge, I told him that it was unfair that the others who actually stole the check and forged it got off free. When he lost his license for 6 months for MIP, I commiserated with him of the unfairness of it all. And I regret my choices in how I dealt with his "low self esteem" more than anything else I have ever done as a parent. I don't even know if this makes sense to you. But, for some reason, I had to write it today. Hope it helps in your struggle to gain some insight into yours and dude's relationship. [/QUOTE]
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