OH THE SHAME - I'm done.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Sep 9, 2008.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I swear Janet if you read this - I think we should pool our money and put Cory and Dude on an airplane and send them far away with each other. This isn't as bad as NOW HE'S DONE IT - but it is.

    After court and all yesterday - I was 100% convinced of Dudes innocence and have been, and still (oh hell who am I kidding)

    I'm in my office this morning and one of the subcontractors comes to my door...asks can he talk to me for a minute. He's a nice "good old boy" lives down the road from Dude's foster family. Dude "sorta" made friends with him and his sons....offered to come help with this and that - rides his bike 2 miles down to this mans house. I thought nothing of it.

    Well today - the man says to me in his best attempt at a whisper so as to not let everyone know "our" business...that Dude had been at his house Friday, climed his 7' chain link fence, ruined it and was in his yard. He brought 2 buddies with him. One of the boys is the one that we forbid Dude to hang with the other no one knew.

    The mans daughter in law was home but at the neighbors and looked out and saw Dude in the yard. She yelled out to him asking what he was doing in there - (come on you climb a 7' fence) and he said "Uh looking for John." and she said "Well you KNOW he's workin' Get out of our yard." and Dude stood there she said like he had no idea what he was doing - the other 2 took off - and she knew one of them by name....and then Dude climbed the fence and took off on his bike.

    So there I am in my office and I'm the bookkeeper of this Co., been asking everyone here to pray for Dude and his upcoming case, didn't sleep last night for thinking of ways I should help, be smarter, to help....and I get THIS???

    OMG - I had to fold Dudes pictures and put them away. There was no place I could go to cry - and I was so red in the face John just kept saying "I don' wanna call the police - we don't do things that way." His sons want to beat Dude up and probably should. I don't know that I would step in. I called DF and told him and he was silent - not just silent - but SILENT - then he said "I think you know that it is time for us to cut all ties to Dude honey, this needs to be the break."

    Oh he's right - I know he is - but this HOOVERS - and now? Here I am such an idiot - I was going to mortgage some land to pay for a real attorney. And I just keep thinking that there is a used 4 wheeler at the fosters that Dude said he "traded" a canoe with a hole in it and some other stuff......for. DF said BS. I thought -well it is possible to find a canoe with a hole in it - and then thought - WHERE? In a woods the middle of NO WHERE????

    Friends - I just don't know how to survive this. Had this man in my office called the law - this would be strike 3 - not convicted on strike 2 - but come on - after 1 and 3 - 2 would be a walk in the park for any DA....and that is life in prison.

    I have to let him go - and I'm so afraid he's going to be in jail for the rest of his life. The stealing apparently will not stop....or the lying.

    My heart is broken....and I'm just sick. I think he'll get the 15 years from case #2.....Maybe that's the upside to all this - maybe that will stop him.
    Stinks to think that THAT is the upside.

    I feel like a falling Star.....
    Lasted edited by : Sep 9, 2008
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that you are right that this is time to let go and let Dude. It's a good thing, too, because I would have had to bend you over my knee and spank you if you had mortgaged the house or slipped into the woods looking for a leaky canoe...

    Did the man ask that the fence be repaired? I think that is a wonderful reason to sell the fourwheeler. After he's in jail. by the way, why didn't he sell the fourwheeler to pay the fines?
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    No - the man said he didn't want help or paid on the fence - he IS going to put barbed or razor wire up now.

    The 4 wheeler Dude said - IS from trading stuff.....DF said BS - I'm now inclined to believe. We asked him for a bill of sale so we could go get a lost title. If it's stolen - that MAY keep Dude from another charge, but then again - not. And why hasn't he sold it? No title. DF suspects it is stolen/traded so many times - etc. There is no way this kid found a leaky canoe in the woods and traded to someone for a running but busted up 4 wheeler.

    Does he think we're idiots.......Df offered to take the serial number down and go to the police to have the thing run and see if it is stolen. Dude said okay.

    he DID remind me that the DOG WE WOULD NOT ALLOW HIM TO KEEP? the pit? Is making HIS OWNER LOTS OF MONEY - in stud fees. Df told him Pootie was never leaving our home. She is mine one minute and his the next and we've never said a thing - so DF said THAT IS IT....she stays.

    Now I know why he was acting weird around me over the weekend on the phone - he thought I KNEW about the fence incident -

    Anyone else here have a kid in prison for life?
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so very sorry. Only the families of difficult children know the intense and horrible embarrassment and shame that comes our way each time our difficult children do another thing that is so far past the boundary of reasonable behavior.

    I really really am thankful you have not mortgaged any property or gone iwthout to pay for a real atty for Dude this time around. He needs to deal with the pd or sell HIS stuff to pay for a real atty.

    DF is right. It is time to make a break. You have done so very much MORE that any parent could or should be expected to do. It is also time to think that maybe Dude is not being truthful about that criminal charge that has him facing 15 years. If being sent to jail for 15 years for something you didn't do won't make you scared enough to live within the laws, chances are there is very little that ever will make you law abiding.

    I hate saying that to you, and I feel I have to. You need to face that.

    I am so sorry. Maybe the man should send his sons to beat Dude up. Maybe he would learn from that. Nothing else has worked.


    I am here for you anytime you need me, OK?

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ah man, this blows major. Nice of this guy to come and talk to you instead of calling the cops. I'm most certainly glad he did before you did something drastic like morgaging land or selling something.

    I believe I mentioned my Mom emptied her savings on my brother and it did no good.....and I'd hate to have to come there and whack you over the head with a rubber mallot.........

    I'd contact the fosters and make sure the 4 wheeler isn't stolen.....and if it isn't (don't they have titles or something?) .....sell it and use it to pay for the damages for this nice man who came to you instead of the cops. And I'd have a hard time feeling sorry for Dude should this man's boys go and teach him some manners.

    So sorry Starbie. Mega ((((hugs))))
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I keep checking the back of my shirt to see if there is a sign that says

    KICK ME or

    I am JOB - bring it on.

    Yes Daisy I remember. I'm so numb I don't think I'd feel a anvil.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh jeeze.

    I don't even know what to say anymore. I am SO sorry for all your hurt.

    I feel like if I go on and on with "you really should" or "how about if you", it will seem patronizing. I hurt for you, but I hurt for Dude too. Damn him!
  8. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I can understand your disappointment, but don't you feel an ounce of shame, You have been and done everything to help Dude. You are not the one making these bad decisions. There is a very old poem tittled something like "If I only was the fellow that my mother thinks I am". We all do better when we have someone that believes in us, that you believed, that isn't shameful either. I don't know any better then you how to wake him up but I do understand that you need to back off and let things happen and that will hurt so much. Dude has alot of good in him, no matter what. I'm learning while on this board, that alot of our difficult child's and probably alot of the folks in our prisons do as well.
  9. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh Star.......

    I'm so sorry. In spite of your Herculean efforts, this is the result.

    I'm so glad you didn't mortgage anything.

    I have to agree with DF, it's time to cut him loose. It doesn't mean you will never see, or hear from him again. It means as long as he chooses to live his life in such a manner, you will not entangled in it with him.

    I have to tell ya, I been following Dude's latest saga and when I read this my heart just dropped. I'm so sorry.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I'm sure it feels like a kick in the gut. Take a deep breath, and step back. I'm thinking, if this happened, there are likely even more things that have happened that you DON'T know about.

    I know what you mean about feeling like Job. Just when you think you can't take it any more ... more comes down, hard. But we move forward anyway.. because we are survivors.

    Many hugs.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I guess I'm having a ME day - because while I know there are a lot of hurt parents here - and that letting go/backing off IS the best?

    I keep thinking - but.....

    He is my ONLY son I don't have other kids that are easy child or even difficult child that have minor charges - I have one kid that is difficult child with a capital F...and that's it.....
    When i back off? He's going to jail for 15 years.....15 he wont get a slap on the wrist - And I can't see his life being better in prison because it never is for anyone. Someone here said prison doesn't rehab - it keeps those in jail from the rest of us.
    There is never any leniency with us - historically never

    So I back off, he goes to jail for 15 years, and then what? Do I become a prison board mom? 15 years...and apparently even IF we survive THIS - he'll be 33 - and I'll be 59 when he gets out - and then it starts all over? At 60? Or do I just - forget I ever had a kid...Not fair.

    This is too much - :(
  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Awww, Star. I give nothing but big cyber hugs. If I had the magic wand, I'd wave it.

  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Big huge hugs... I can not imagine how you must be hurting right now.
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Star, I'm so very sorry for your shattered mommy heart.

    You're right that it isn't fair. DF is also right that it's time to cut Dude loose to stand or fall on his own.

    Like many others, I'm glad that you didn't do without or go wanting or mortgage anything for Dude. Like Abbey, I wish I could wave the magic wand and make everything better.

    Sending giant hugs your way.
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Star, I wish I had words.

    Please try not to feel ashamed. Dude still deserves those prayers, maybe more so now than before you knew this. And those who don't realize that can get a broom.

    The system is broken, and Dude is a fine example of how. It has failed him miserably, and that is NOT a REFLECTION of YOU! You have bent over backwards for this boy and he can't/won't stay true for you - I think he leaves you little room for choice.

    Maybe it is time to step back and let time happen.

    Many, many hugs, Star.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry Star. It isn't just not fair, it truly hoovers. Like a herd of Dirt Devils.

    I think you and Dude certainly need the prayers. I wish Dude had a little of Cory's luck. And I will pray that whatever happens it is what Dude needs to wake him up and straighten his act out. so that maybe he can have some kind of positive life with-o the interference/supervision of cops, jail, or anything like that.

    I wish I had some way to help this hurt less for you and Df. Cause no matter what df says, this is hurting him too.

    I don't have any answers but prayer. So I will say some extra ones for you all.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thinking more, and reading responses... The only one who should feel shame in this is Dude. You raised him better than this, even if he did have a lot of odds against him. He did these things, not you. He should feel the shame of it and he does not.

    I love you, Starbie, but I'm going to get tough for a minute. I know you will understand, because you would say the same to any of us.

    As to an earlier question on an earlier post about the PD, yes, whoever points the finger first gets charged with the lesser crime. Even if they recant later. You are not the only one who has noticed that while Dude sometimes may not have done what he has been charged with, he has done a lot of really crummy things. Sometimes you get away with it, and sometimes they get you for the crime you didn't commit. Either way, it caught up with him.

    Could you fight it? There are very few attorneys out there who would care to help you do this. There are more that would take your money, but essentially you would have to find someone who excelled in the Juvie PD department then moved on to private practice, has connections, and thought Dude deserved it. Hiring a private attorney would be a waste of your time and money. While Dude may have been looking for a job, he didn't come to your house and mow the lawn or clean out gutters or trim hedges. He was goofing around with pit bull puppies, leaky canoes, and jumping people's fences to destroy their property. People like you, who gave him a chance.

    Is Dude going to get 15 years? Maybe. But I would imagine that they will matrix him out way before that. Even when they say they are going to throw away the key, they don't have the space or the money for this piddling stuff. You need to tell Dude that he has used up his last chance with you, and he needs to do his best to prepare himself for release on parole after his sentence is up. Take some welding or mechanics classes in prison. Get his GED.

    I know that your heart is aching, but mortgaging your house isn't going to change what is happening. It's too late. He has had months and months to get his act together, and while many things happened that didn't help, he was not at all proactive in changing his circumstances. You were. To no avail. Because all in all, Dude wasn't invested in it. He was invested in letting the chips fall where they may, and look where they landed.

    Big hugs, girlfriend. It is what it is, and you aren't in control any more.
  18. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh Star! :(

    You have done nothing - Dude has made the choice to walk away from his chances. He has taken everything for granted.

    I am so sorry - :(

  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Star...I'm so sorry. I wish I had answers for you, but all I have are hugs, prayers, and lots of love.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well star...here we sit...together again it seems.

    It does hoover greatly I agree. I cant tell you how many times I have been on the receiving end of those "uh, can I talk to you about what Cory has done now" talks. It was never anything good either.

    You know...yesterday as I was attempting to deliver my wayward son to jail he looked over at me and said to me that he guessed things could be worse. I just replied to him...yes Cory, it could be...I told him...Cory, you could be ME...you could have one son going to jail and the other one going to war. You could conceivably lose two sons through absolutely no fault of your own. So yes Cory, things could be worse!

    I know its tough. I keep thinking its stupid and why dont they ever learn. I dont have that answer. Wish I did because the fear of getting in trouble keeps me from doing stupid things!