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Oh what a night! Dropped son off at detox at 3am
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679929" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>RN, I am sorry for all of this. Your son IS holding you hostage. These kids are very smart and they know just how to get us....with our heartstrings.</p><p>So he is getting A's in two classes, awesome, but see what he is doing? He is holding this over you, <em>to do whatever else he wants to do</em>. The attitude, hanging up on you, ugh.</p><p>Reading your post brings back to so many memories......</p><p>With me, it wasn't A's, it was my grandkids. We put up with all kinds of nonsense for our grandkids. Got walked on over and again. It was all wrong. See, we thought we were saving our grandkids and their parents, nothing could be further from the truth. Looking back, they used the grands as a sort of hypnotic bargaining chip that led us to keep playing their game. The game is,<em> you do for me, and I will do whatever I want</em>. What happened is we started to lose ourselves in the muck and mire of it all. The kids saw this, and capitalized on it. Took more and more advantage of us, because they knew they could. It became a pattern, we gave, they took.</p><p>It is like domestic violence, where the victim is slowly drawn into this web of violence. We were being violated, taken advantage of, and we didn't even see it.</p><p>We are victimized and traumatized by what the kids are doing. We begin to rationalize and cover over transgressions that we would not <em>accept from anyone else</em>. They are our kids, we want the best for them, so it is understandable how this happens. Before we can even realize what is going on, we have been abused and manipulated a thousand times.</p><p>Left in this desperate state.</p><p>It is here, that our kids want us to remain. In this desperate and broken state, they have got us.</p><p>Here, we cannot move forward and are barraged by guilt, worry and fear, weakened and paralyzed.</p><p>Our adult children become more and more brazen.</p><p>Our kids take more chances with us, more advantage of us, <em>because they know they can. </em></p><p>They lose respect for us, <em>because we have lost it for ourselves</em>, we put<em> their futures ahead of whatever the heck they do to us and themselves. </em></p><p>This enables them to be able to keep going off the rails.</p><p>It is a game no one wins at.</p><p>We lose ourselves, the kids keep pushing the limits, we don't want to do anything about it <em>for fear of what will happen to them</em>.</p><p>The kids keep pushing because there are either no consequences, or the consequences do not fit the transgression.</p><p>They know how to keep us in the game, and will keep pushing until we do something.</p><p>It is a vicious cycle.</p><p></p><p>Stealing your brand new car?</p><p>The ultimate, disregard, disrespect, in your face "What are you going to do about this?" move.</p><p></p><p>Our kids stole from us, broke into our home, brought shady characters over, lied, used drugs, claimed depression and illness so they didn't have to do anything. Slept all day, partied at night. On and on. It was horrible. In actuality, <em>they were depressed when they were not high.</em> They were deep into drugs, and we were not even aware, because we were so focused on working and trying to care for the grands. They had us by the nostrils, hook, line and sinker.</p><p></p><p>The disrespect continued, because the drug use continued and the attitude of entitlement and thinking that our love for them as parents should override anything and everything they did.</p><p>Bulldung.</p><p></p><p>What I have realized at this point RN, that my love for them <em>should have stopped the madness long ago.</em></p><p>The more I gave in and worried more for them, the more they took advantage and <em>continued as is</em>.</p><p></p><p>Nothing changes, if nothing changes.</p><p></p><p>What I have learned, truly is that love says <strong>NO! </strong></p><p><strong>No more will I put up with this. </strong></p><p><strong>No more, will I cover for you. </strong></p><p></p><p>We teach others to respect us, <em>by having self respect</em>.</p><p></p><p>Boundaries, limits.</p><p></p><p>One of the most important things I have learned is that I cannot save or rescue my d cs from the choices they make.</p><p>To keep doing so, is the <em>opposite</em> of love, because I just prolonged the agony, theirs, and ours as parents.</p><p></p><p>I learned from the article on detachment and the good folks on this site, that our adult kids have got to learn from their choices, <em>that is how we all learn</em>. </p><p></p><p>Consequences.</p><p>It is about understanding there are consequences for actions.</p><p></p><p>The more I swooped in to rescue my kids from their consequences, the less they learned to navigate life.</p><p>What they did learn, and I unknowingly reinforced it with my response to their dilemma, was this......</p><p>"Mom will save me, no matter what I do, Mom will be my safety net."</p><p></p><p>The result of all the saving, was <em>they really resented it.</em></p><p>I was teaching them that they were not capable.</p><p></p><p>Our kids are meant to go out in the world and figure out their meaning and purpose.</p><p>This was not happening, <em>because I was in the way.</em></p><p></p><p>It is like teaching a kid to ride a bike, <em>but never taking the training wheels off. </em></p><p><em>That's it, we are too afraid of them falling.....</em></p><p><em>but sometimes they have to fall to learn how to find balance.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Whatever you do in your sons case is up to you. </p><p>You have done much work already by being here and posting. </p><p>Listen to your inner voice and reread what you have written. </p><p>Our posts are a history of events, responses and patterns of not only our children,</p><p> but how we have handled what is happening.</p><p></p><p>The classes come up again.</p><p>He can go to college and take classes at anytime in his life.</p><p>He is doing so well in these classes, but not so well in LIFE.</p><p>Life is more important then A's.</p><p>You are spot on in the above post. </p><p>Good for you RN, you are thinking about this. </p><p>That is the first step, <em>to really think about it</em>.</p><p> The more you think, feel and write, the closer you will come to trying to change your patterns.</p><p></p><p>This desperation the kids keep us in, prevents us from action.</p><p>It is stressful and wearisome. </p><p>It is hard to break free of this.</p><p>We have all been there, RN, so please do not be mean to yourself.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p></p><p>This detachment article is good to read over and over again.</p><p> It helped me to see the truth of what was happening and to take steps, little steps to change. </p><p>It helped me to see that I have absolutely no control over my two d cs, I only have control over myself.</p><p></p><p>Best of all, it helped me to see the <em>enabling</em>. </p><p>That what I was doing, <em>I thought was love, was helping,</em> but it wasn't.</p><p>Love says NO.</p><p>Love needs to come from us first loving ourselves,</p><p> standing up for ourselves and having enough self respect to say NO.</p><p>When we do this, we are teaching the kids with our actions.</p><p></p><p>We will not be disrespected, and we will not disrespect ourselves.</p><p></p><p>This is the BEST lesson for the kids, because when you think about it, </p><p>drug abuse is the <em>ultimate disrespect to self, mind, body and soul.</em></p><p></p><p>So, we have got to show the kids all over again, </p><p>how to respect themselves, </p><p>by respecting ourselves enough as people, </p><p>not to take what they are dishing out to us.</p><p></p><p>To me, THAT is LOVE. True love. </p><p>True love stands up and says "This is not right, and I will not put up with it."</p><p></p><p>Keep posting and sharing, CD is the journal that speaks back. I have been right where you are RN, and I understand the pain and confusion of it.</p><p></p><p>Please know that you are not alone. I am so very sorry for your heart ache. </p><p>Stay strong and keep going one step at a time. </p><p>We will be here for you.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679929, member: 19522"] RN, I am sorry for all of this. Your son IS holding you hostage. These kids are very smart and they know just how to get us....with our heartstrings. So he is getting A's in two classes, awesome, but see what he is doing? He is holding this over you, [I]to do whatever else he wants to do[/I]. The attitude, hanging up on you, ugh. Reading your post brings back to so many memories...... With me, it wasn't A's, it was my grandkids. We put up with all kinds of nonsense for our grandkids. Got walked on over and again. It was all wrong. See, we thought we were saving our grandkids and their parents, nothing could be further from the truth. Looking back, they used the grands as a sort of hypnotic bargaining chip that led us to keep playing their game. The game is,[I] you do for me, and I will do whatever I want[/I]. What happened is we started to lose ourselves in the muck and mire of it all. The kids saw this, and capitalized on it. Took more and more advantage of us, because they knew they could. It became a pattern, we gave, they took. It is like domestic violence, where the victim is slowly drawn into this web of violence. We were being violated, taken advantage of, and we didn't even see it. We are victimized and traumatized by what the kids are doing. We begin to rationalize and cover over transgressions that we would not [I]accept from anyone else[/I]. They are our kids, we want the best for them, so it is understandable how this happens. Before we can even realize what is going on, we have been abused and manipulated a thousand times. Left in this desperate state. It is here, that our kids want us to remain. In this desperate and broken state, they have got us. Here, we cannot move forward and are barraged by guilt, worry and fear, weakened and paralyzed. Our adult children become more and more brazen. Our kids take more chances with us, more advantage of us, [I]because they know they can. [/I] They lose respect for us, [I]because we have lost it for ourselves[/I], we put[I] their futures ahead of whatever the heck they do to us and themselves. [/I] This enables them to be able to keep going off the rails. It is a game no one wins at. We lose ourselves, the kids keep pushing the limits, we don't want to do anything about it [I]for fear of what will happen to them[/I]. The kids keep pushing because there are either no consequences, or the consequences do not fit the transgression. They know how to keep us in the game, and will keep pushing until we do something. It is a vicious cycle. Stealing your brand new car? The ultimate, disregard, disrespect, in your face "What are you going to do about this?" move. Our kids stole from us, broke into our home, brought shady characters over, lied, used drugs, claimed depression and illness so they didn't have to do anything. Slept all day, partied at night. On and on. It was horrible. In actuality, [I]they were depressed when they were not high.[/I] They were deep into drugs, and we were not even aware, because we were so focused on working and trying to care for the grands. They had us by the nostrils, hook, line and sinker. The disrespect continued, because the drug use continued and the attitude of entitlement and thinking that our love for them as parents should override anything and everything they did. Bulldung. What I have realized at this point RN, that my love for them [I]should have stopped the madness long ago.[/I] The more I gave in and worried more for them, the more they took advantage and [I]continued as is[/I]. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. What I have learned, truly is that love says [B]NO! No more will I put up with this. No more, will I cover for you. [/B] We teach others to respect us, [I]by having self respect[/I]. Boundaries, limits. One of the most important things I have learned is that I cannot save or rescue my d cs from the choices they make. To keep doing so, is the [I]opposite[/I] of love, because I just prolonged the agony, theirs, and ours as parents. I learned from the article on detachment and the good folks on this site, that our adult kids have got to learn from their choices, [I]that is how we all learn[/I]. Consequences. It is about understanding there are consequences for actions. The more I swooped in to rescue my kids from their consequences, the less they learned to navigate life. What they did learn, and I unknowingly reinforced it with my response to their dilemma, was this...... "Mom will save me, no matter what I do, Mom will be my safety net." The result of all the saving, was [I]they really resented it.[/I] I was teaching them that they were not capable. Our kids are meant to go out in the world and figure out their meaning and purpose. This was not happening, [I]because I was in the way.[/I] It is like teaching a kid to ride a bike, [I]but never taking the training wheels off. That's it, we are too afraid of them falling..... but sometimes they have to fall to learn how to find balance. [/I] Whatever you do in your sons case is up to you. You have done much work already by being here and posting. Listen to your inner voice and reread what you have written. Our posts are a history of events, responses and patterns of not only our children, but how we have handled what is happening. The classes come up again. He can go to college and take classes at anytime in his life. He is doing so well in these classes, but not so well in LIFE. Life is more important then A's. You are spot on in the above post. Good for you RN, you are thinking about this. That is the first step, [I]to really think about it[/I]. The more you think, feel and write, the closer you will come to trying to change your patterns. This desperation the kids keep us in, prevents us from action. It is stressful and wearisome. It is hard to break free of this. We have all been there, RN, so please do not be mean to yourself. [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] This detachment article is good to read over and over again. It helped me to see the truth of what was happening and to take steps, little steps to change. It helped me to see that I have absolutely no control over my two d cs, I only have control over myself. Best of all, it helped me to see the [I]enabling[/I]. That what I was doing, [I]I thought was love, was helping,[/I] but it wasn't. Love says NO. Love needs to come from us first loving ourselves, standing up for ourselves and having enough self respect to say NO. When we do this, we are teaching the kids with our actions. We will not be disrespected, and we will not disrespect ourselves. This is the BEST lesson for the kids, because when you think about it, drug abuse is the [I]ultimate disrespect to self, mind, body and soul.[/I] So, we have got to show the kids all over again, how to respect themselves, by respecting ourselves enough as people, not to take what they are dishing out to us. To me, THAT is LOVE. True love. True love stands up and says "This is not right, and I will not put up with it." Keep posting and sharing, CD is the journal that speaks back. I have been right where you are RN, and I understand the pain and confusion of it. Please know that you are not alone. I am so very sorry for your heart ache. Stay strong and keep going one step at a time. We will be here for you. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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Oh what a night! Dropped son off at detox at 3am
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