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OK Warrior Moms - I Need to Devise a Plan...
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 435303" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>Hmmm.</p><p></p><p>I didn't go back and read about the blow up so I may be totally off base but am inclined to agree with Wend and DDD. Take it FWIW.</p><p></p><p>Despite the cockiness, difficult child is taking appropriate action to remove herself from a volatile situation where there is likely to be further severe confrontation and conflict.</p><p></p><p>One could choose to see this as a positive step on her part. She has chosen voluntarily (I assume) to disengage rather than continue to fight with you. If she can become physical with you during fights and she has withdrawn before/instead of getting combative then that could be a really big change in her behavior that you don't want to discourage at this point. Yes, in the long run you want her to learn to handle conflict directly and more appropriately using words rather than actions. But this may be a place to start.</p><p></p><p>And presumably the other mom expects her own kid to behave appropriately (words) and will model this for difficult child. Again, it's a place to start. And who knows - maybe difficult child will do better there because she is away from what has become a triggering environment. I have often thought that there were good reasons people in the past fostered their teens out to people who lived several hundred miles away, preferably on a farm.</p><p></p><p>We have worked hard to teach our difficult child 2 to disengage rather than continue the conflict - even if that takes the form of his withdrawing to the yard or taking a long walk or running out of the room without an explanation. We are still working on getting him to verbalize "I need a break and I'm taking a walk" or whatever. But the basic act of withdrawing before he explodes is what we really wanted to see him be able to do.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child thinks she has put one over on you by withdrawing to friend's house. That is the reason she is cocky and disrespectful when she shows up.</p><p></p><p>You, being a grown up and not a difficult child, understand that the issues that caused the conflict have not gone away and that, in fact, she has not put one over on you but rather is doing something to take care of herself that should not be discouraged.</p><p></p><p>I think when she comes home for something and talks disrespectfully that you should do your best to ignore the attitude and not react to her. If this will be hard for you to do then minimize the exchanges - don't speak one word more than you have to, leave her notes on her bed if you need to communicate with her, switch hit with husband, whatever.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 435303, member: 11920"] Hmmm. I didn't go back and read about the blow up so I may be totally off base but am inclined to agree with Wend and DDD. Take it FWIW. Despite the cockiness, difficult child is taking appropriate action to remove herself from a volatile situation where there is likely to be further severe confrontation and conflict. One could choose to see this as a positive step on her part. She has chosen voluntarily (I assume) to disengage rather than continue to fight with you. If she can become physical with you during fights and she has withdrawn before/instead of getting combative then that could be a really big change in her behavior that you don't want to discourage at this point. Yes, in the long run you want her to learn to handle conflict directly and more appropriately using words rather than actions. But this may be a place to start. And presumably the other mom expects her own kid to behave appropriately (words) and will model this for difficult child. Again, it's a place to start. And who knows - maybe difficult child will do better there because she is away from what has become a triggering environment. I have often thought that there were good reasons people in the past fostered their teens out to people who lived several hundred miles away, preferably on a farm. We have worked hard to teach our difficult child 2 to disengage rather than continue the conflict - even if that takes the form of his withdrawing to the yard or taking a long walk or running out of the room without an explanation. We are still working on getting him to verbalize "I need a break and I'm taking a walk" or whatever. But the basic act of withdrawing before he explodes is what we really wanted to see him be able to do. Your difficult child thinks she has put one over on you by withdrawing to friend's house. That is the reason she is cocky and disrespectful when she shows up. You, being a grown up and not a difficult child, understand that the issues that caused the conflict have not gone away and that, in fact, she has not put one over on you but rather is doing something to take care of herself that should not be discouraged. I think when she comes home for something and talks disrespectfully that you should do your best to ignore the attitude and not react to her. If this will be hard for you to do then minimize the exchanges - don't speak one word more than you have to, leave her notes on her bed if you need to communicate with her, switch hit with husband, whatever. [/QUOTE]
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