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OK Warrior Moms - I Need to Devise a Plan...
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 435306" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Well...........</p><p></p><p>I haven't faced this one as a parent, but I've been the difficult child in the position. Slightly different circumstances.........I was 12 and Mom, well to this day I don't know what crawled up her fanny that day, but she was either having a psychotic break or major p*ssed at someone (thinking the first one really) and moment I walked in from school she kicked me out. I walked the 3 miles downtown to find grandma.....who lived with my aunt Janet at the time.......Aunt became incensed, went home with her. Aunt did not call mom. Grandma did not call mom. Mom finally wised up and figured out where I must've gone and did the calling. </p><p></p><p>Now being a difficult child......... She called I refused to speak to her. (aunt backed me up) Sister called, I refused to speak to her too. (knew mom put her up to it.) This went on for much of that summer.......actually most of it. I only caved because my Mom was driving my sis insane and she begged me to please come home.</p><p></p><p>Now I say this for a reason. Aunt's rules were very similar to my mom's, and grandma's rules were actually stricter than both. But I was used to that. And even as a difficult child I was smart enough not to cross my grandma ever. lol BUT honestly? If it weren't for my sis............and mom truly was driving her nuts.........I would have <strong>never</strong> gone back.</p><p></p><p>That It Takes A Village...........is bull hocky. Ok, it's bull hocky in <strong>this</strong> society. In the culture from where it comes and in similar ones it works great. Because everyone is pretty much on the same page. </p><p></p><p>You've no clue that this mom is on the same page as you. You've no clue what her rules are or that she will enforce them, especially on a child not hers. It sounds like her intentions are good at least. (many arent't) But what she's doing is both undermining your authority and undermining your parenting. </p><p></p><p>I can't tell you what to do. I don't know difficult child that well. But I'll tell you what I'd do if it were me.</p><p></p><p>I'd invite that Mom over for coffee and have a big sit down with her. And I would find a way to put this shoe onto HER foot and see just how well those same good intentions would feel to her. </p><p></p><p>Next, I'd locate difficult child, dig my fingernails into her earlobe, and drag her fanny all the way home that way. Then there would be huge consequences to adjust some major teen attitude. I've found cleaning toilets is a very good option. Now I know why the army does it. So does mopping with a toothbrush........as does cinderella duty..........ending the social life for a period of time.....cell, computer, land line phone, leaving the house ect. Depends on the child what works best.</p><p></p><p>The reason I said I'd have a sit down woman to woman, mom to mom meeting with kindly friend's mom? Is so she doesn't butt in a 2nd time. A couple of hours to cool off.......with maybe her explaining a mom's side of things.....ok. Days where it's like a vacation? NO. </p><p></p><p>I'd do the You can come here to cool off thing. They got like 2 hrs tops. Parent knew where they were. I was 9 times out of 10 more strict that at home parent was. End of those 2 hrs they got send home. During those 2 hrs I listened to their side.........and gave them a parents view of the situation and why. Then they were sent home. Parent was told they were on their way. I can't tell you how many endless times I did this for Nichole's friends. I also knew those parents and kids very well.</p><p></p><p>That is a It's Take's a Village, sort of thing. Not stay here and enjoy a mini vacation cause you just had a huge blow out with your mom. </p><p></p><p>When arguments get out of control it's good to have a place to go to cool off before you do/say something you regret later. But if you and other mom are not on the same page about it down the line? It's not going to happen that way. difficult child is going to get mini vacations every time she blows her top.......going to see other mom as a place she can go when she doesn't like what you have to say.......and your authority as a parent just got tanked. If other mom gets tired of the drama......difficult child will find another parent to take her place, and the next one may be way worse than this one.</p><p></p><p>My difficult children needed to cool off, they did it in their rooms. I left them alone to think, vent, whatever. Once they were calm again........we'd talk, not yell, talk. If teen attitude needed adjusted first, then that would come first, then we'd talk. </p><p></p><p>A tough spot. But biggest problem is that if difficult child knows she has somewhere to escape to........what you say/do is not going to have the same meaning to her anymore.</p><p></p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 435306, member: 84"] Well........... I haven't faced this one as a parent, but I've been the difficult child in the position. Slightly different circumstances.........I was 12 and Mom, well to this day I don't know what crawled up her fanny that day, but she was either having a psychotic break or major p*ssed at someone (thinking the first one really) and moment I walked in from school she kicked me out. I walked the 3 miles downtown to find grandma.....who lived with my aunt Janet at the time.......Aunt became incensed, went home with her. Aunt did not call mom. Grandma did not call mom. Mom finally wised up and figured out where I must've gone and did the calling. Now being a difficult child......... She called I refused to speak to her. (aunt backed me up) Sister called, I refused to speak to her too. (knew mom put her up to it.) This went on for much of that summer.......actually most of it. I only caved because my Mom was driving my sis insane and she begged me to please come home. Now I say this for a reason. Aunt's rules were very similar to my mom's, and grandma's rules were actually stricter than both. But I was used to that. And even as a difficult child I was smart enough not to cross my grandma ever. lol BUT honestly? If it weren't for my sis............and mom truly was driving her nuts.........I would have [B]never[/B] gone back. That It Takes A Village...........is bull hocky. Ok, it's bull hocky in [B]this[/B] society. In the culture from where it comes and in similar ones it works great. Because everyone is pretty much on the same page. You've no clue that this mom is on the same page as you. You've no clue what her rules are or that she will enforce them, especially on a child not hers. It sounds like her intentions are good at least. (many arent't) But what she's doing is both undermining your authority and undermining your parenting. I can't tell you what to do. I don't know difficult child that well. But I'll tell you what I'd do if it were me. I'd invite that Mom over for coffee and have a big sit down with her. And I would find a way to put this shoe onto HER foot and see just how well those same good intentions would feel to her. Next, I'd locate difficult child, dig my fingernails into her earlobe, and drag her fanny all the way home that way. Then there would be huge consequences to adjust some major teen attitude. I've found cleaning toilets is a very good option. Now I know why the army does it. So does mopping with a toothbrush........as does cinderella duty..........ending the social life for a period of time.....cell, computer, land line phone, leaving the house ect. Depends on the child what works best. The reason I said I'd have a sit down woman to woman, mom to mom meeting with kindly friend's mom? Is so she doesn't butt in a 2nd time. A couple of hours to cool off.......with maybe her explaining a mom's side of things.....ok. Days where it's like a vacation? NO. I'd do the You can come here to cool off thing. They got like 2 hrs tops. Parent knew where they were. I was 9 times out of 10 more strict that at home parent was. End of those 2 hrs they got send home. During those 2 hrs I listened to their side.........and gave them a parents view of the situation and why. Then they were sent home. Parent was told they were on their way. I can't tell you how many endless times I did this for Nichole's friends. I also knew those parents and kids very well. That is a It's Take's a Village, sort of thing. Not stay here and enjoy a mini vacation cause you just had a huge blow out with your mom. When arguments get out of control it's good to have a place to go to cool off before you do/say something you regret later. But if you and other mom are not on the same page about it down the line? It's not going to happen that way. difficult child is going to get mini vacations every time she blows her top.......going to see other mom as a place she can go when she doesn't like what you have to say.......and your authority as a parent just got tanked. If other mom gets tired of the drama......difficult child will find another parent to take her place, and the next one may be way worse than this one. My difficult children needed to cool off, they did it in their rooms. I left them alone to think, vent, whatever. Once they were calm again........we'd talk, not yell, talk. If teen attitude needed adjusted first, then that would come first, then we'd talk. A tough spot. But biggest problem is that if difficult child knows she has somewhere to escape to........what you say/do is not going to have the same meaning to her anymore. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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