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Oldest Adult ODD starting problems
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 247205" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Hadit - I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing your daughter had an injury that has affected her physically <u>and</u> emotionally - I think that most certainly would alter the advice you'll receive. If you could do a signature (<a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8399" target="_blank">here are the instructions</a>), it will help us recall specifics about your situation. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p> </p><p>Generally speaking, detachment is a philosophy a lot of us are working on with our older kids/adults. Detachment is *not* giving up on our kids, but allowing them to make the choices they will make and allowing them to suffer the consequences, without rescuing them. It can be ugly. This is just my opinion, and my behaviorally challenging kid will be 18 in a few weeks, so I'm just entering this new phase of parenting... but even when you have a child who does have a severe mental illness, if they are noncompliant with treatment and decent life choices, we as parents *have* to separate ourselves a bit from their lives or we risk our own well-being in continually being on that up and down rollercoaster. </p><p> </p><p>A couple of questions, if you don't mind - not being nosy but trying to get a feel for where your family is at right now and what the goals for your daughter are. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> Does your daughter need supervision or can she live independently? Is she able to take medications independently, cook safely, clean, etc? Does she receive any supportive services through the state in terms of employment or activities during the day? Where do you see your daughter living in 5 years, 10 years, after your death?</p><p> </p><p>I think the 1:30 a.m. scene with the grandparents is a trigger for a lot of us who have dealt with volent kids. In my book, safety first. The grandparents have the absolute right to be safe (and asleep if they so choose) at 1:30 in the morning in their own home. Physical violence is unacceptable, period, regardless of degree of disability. </p><p> </p><p>"She does not want to listen, she is in her twentys she don't have to. But yet she want everyone to kiss her back side. If we don't do what she want us to do, she throws these fits of hers and uproot the family for a few days, until I catch her sitting still and let her know what will be happening. We have gave her a place to live, feed her and so forth. We just had her car in the shop and paid for the work. But now it is time to take all that away from her and let her see what it will be like, not having a family that cares and loves her. "</p><p> </p><p>You're actually on the right track here, in my little ole' opinion. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> It's called "do to get". It sounds like in her case compliance with basic rules needs to be the "do" in order for her to get the good stuff (phone, car, etc.). Again, it's incredibly difficult when you've got a kid who thinks he/she is an adult and can make their own choices, but then you're stuck dealing with her "fits" when she doesn't get her way. Normally, I would absolutely agree with the idea of telling her to get on with her life, in *her* home (not subsidized by you), but with the memory issues and what sounds like ongoing medical concerns, I understand you cannot do that. </p><p> </p><p>I'll think on this some - have to get to work right now <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> - but I really wanted to assure you that we never ever advocate "giving up" on a child. I think most of us do believe in logical consequences and, with our older kids, we also have to recognize that as parents we cannot be the only resource our kids have (though as the mother of another adult kiddo with- a severe physical disability, I totally relate to "taking care of our own" and am not as good about utilizing outside resources for him as I should be). </p><p> </p><p>Anyway - I hope you'll stick around. At the very least, we can suport you and encourage you as you travel this road with your daughter!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 247205, member: 8"] Hi Hadit - I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing your daughter had an injury that has affected her physically [U]and[/U] emotionally - I think that most certainly would alter the advice you'll receive. If you could do a signature ([URL="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8399"]here are the instructions[/URL]), it will help us recall specifics about your situation. ;) Generally speaking, detachment is a philosophy a lot of us are working on with our older kids/adults. Detachment is *not* giving up on our kids, but allowing them to make the choices they will make and allowing them to suffer the consequences, without rescuing them. It can be ugly. This is just my opinion, and my behaviorally challenging kid will be 18 in a few weeks, so I'm just entering this new phase of parenting... but even when you have a child who does have a severe mental illness, if they are noncompliant with treatment and decent life choices, we as parents *have* to separate ourselves a bit from their lives or we risk our own well-being in continually being on that up and down rollercoaster. A couple of questions, if you don't mind - not being nosy but trying to get a feel for where your family is at right now and what the goals for your daughter are. ;) Does your daughter need supervision or can she live independently? Is she able to take medications independently, cook safely, clean, etc? Does she receive any supportive services through the state in terms of employment or activities during the day? Where do you see your daughter living in 5 years, 10 years, after your death? I think the 1:30 a.m. scene with the grandparents is a trigger for a lot of us who have dealt with volent kids. In my book, safety first. The grandparents have the absolute right to be safe (and asleep if they so choose) at 1:30 in the morning in their own home. Physical violence is unacceptable, period, regardless of degree of disability. "She does not want to listen, she is in her twentys she don't have to. But yet she want everyone to kiss her back side. If we don't do what she want us to do, she throws these fits of hers and uproot the family for a few days, until I catch her sitting still and let her know what will be happening. We have gave her a place to live, feed her and so forth. We just had her car in the shop and paid for the work. But now it is time to take all that away from her and let her see what it will be like, not having a family that cares and loves her. " You're actually on the right track here, in my little ole' opinion. ;) It's called "do to get". It sounds like in her case compliance with basic rules needs to be the "do" in order for her to get the good stuff (phone, car, etc.). Again, it's incredibly difficult when you've got a kid who thinks he/she is an adult and can make their own choices, but then you're stuck dealing with her "fits" when she doesn't get her way. Normally, I would absolutely agree with the idea of telling her to get on with her life, in *her* home (not subsidized by you), but with the memory issues and what sounds like ongoing medical concerns, I understand you cannot do that. I'll think on this some - have to get to work right now ;) - but I really wanted to assure you that we never ever advocate "giving up" on a child. I think most of us do believe in logical consequences and, with our older kids, we also have to recognize that as parents we cannot be the only resource our kids have (though as the mother of another adult kiddo with- a severe physical disability, I totally relate to "taking care of our own" and am not as good about utilizing outside resources for him as I should be). Anyway - I hope you'll stick around. At the very least, we can suport you and encourage you as you travel this road with your daughter! [/QUOTE]
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