Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
OMG. Now my dad. Does it ever end?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629465" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>As I have been determinedly healing, I am shocked at the nastiness I listened to <em>and made excuses for my family for.</em></p><p></p><p>In a way, MWM, you have given your father a chance to think about the way he speaks to his own daughter, and to mend his ways now, before it is too late for him. At the same time, you have given yourself the priceless gift of having stood up for yourself and your children before it is to late for you to do that with him in person.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the scary feelings, the angry feelings, the feeling that you've done something very wrong. They raised us to be people without rights, MWM. </p><p></p><p>That belief system they hurt into your very core is what you are standing up to right now. </p><p></p><p>You did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>I am proud of you and so happy for you, that you have been able to know in your own heart that you merit decency and respect ~ whether your family of origin agrees (and they probably won't) is not the issue.</p><p></p><p>It is just scary to think what might happen next, because you've done something more courageous than anyone in your family has ever done ~ stand up to the patriarch and demand that he treat you with respect.</p><p></p><p>What will happen next (at least, it is with me) is that you will see more and more how inappropriate your family of origin was and is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You confronted the dragon, MWM.</p><p></p><p>If he has courage and integrity, he will call back. He would have, already. That is what any decent parent would do ~ clarify the situation. That he has not called back helps you to know who he is.</p><p>The same thing happened with my mother (who hung up on me).</p><p></p><p>MWM?</p><p></p><p>You have more courage than me!!!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry those words were spoken over you, MWM. But here is a thought: What kind of person is it who does not take pleasure in a child?</p><p></p><p>A liar, that's who.</p><p></p><p>What else has he lied to you about, to make you feel broken, to break your will and your spirit?</p><p></p><p>And what, in all that hells that ever were, was the payoff that made it worth it to this grown man to break the spirit of a beautiful child, a beautiful young woman?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love it.</p><p></p><p>You were polite, respectful, and appropriate.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>At some point, yes. But let it sit for now. This is your growing time, MWM. Journal through it, talk with husband about it, post here. Let it settle and let's see what it means to your spirit and to your heart to have begun breaking the layered chains of verbal abuse your father used to break your spirit from the time you were a little girl...from the time you were a baby, Pam.</p><p></p><p>It helps me to imagine what it would have meant to the little girl I was if I had been spoken to gently, it I had been treated gently.... We need to acknowledge what happened, but we also need to realize how the abuse changed and limited us. The world is a competitive place. We went to school, to high school, to college, from a hurt, bruised place to compete against children raised to believe in themselves.</p><p></p><p>Our parents' choice to abuse their children cost us more than shame and heartbreak, Pam. We went into the world believing we were less than we are.</p><p></p><p>That is what their abusive pleasures cost US.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He owes you everything. And everything, for you or for me, MWM, would be a parent who said: "I am so sorry. I loved you so much. I wanted to be better."</p><p></p><p>That is what he owes you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My husband, too.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, when I tell him what I tell him, it's like I am thrown into that shamed place all over again.</p><p></p><p>That tells me how much it must have hurt to be me, when I was little and defenseless, and didn't even know it was wrong, to treat me that way.</p><p></p><p>*********************</p><p>I am so proud of you, MWM.</p><p></p><p>What happens next between your father and yourself is less important than that you have come to value yourself enough to hear what he said without excusing him, without pretending he didn't mean it, and without forcing yourself to allow him to subject you to verbally abusive behavior because he is 90.</p><p></p><p>You have courage.</p><p></p><p>This thing you are doing is very hard. At the end of it? You win yourself, MWM. You win back who you will let yourself be. You erase all the bad messages, all the negative tapes, as you confront them.</p><p></p><p>It is so worth it, Pam.</p><p></p><p>Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.</p><p></p><p>I know how scary this is, how wrong it feels.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629465, member: 17461"] As I have been determinedly healing, I am shocked at the nastiness I listened to [I]and made excuses for my family for.[/I] In a way, MWM, you have given your father a chance to think about the way he speaks to his own daughter, and to mend his ways now, before it is too late for him. At the same time, you have given yourself the priceless gift of having stood up for yourself and your children before it is to late for you to do that with him in person. I am sorry for the scary feelings, the angry feelings, the feeling that you've done something very wrong. They raised us to be people without rights, MWM. That belief system they hurt into your very core is what you are standing up to right now. You did the right thing. I am proud of you and so happy for you, that you have been able to know in your own heart that you merit decency and respect ~ whether your family of origin agrees (and they probably won't) is not the issue. It is just scary to think what might happen next, because you've done something more courageous than anyone in your family has ever done ~ stand up to the patriarch and demand that he treat you with respect. What will happen next (at least, it is with me) is that you will see more and more how inappropriate your family of origin was and is. You confronted the dragon, MWM. If he has courage and integrity, he will call back. He would have, already. That is what any decent parent would do ~ clarify the situation. That he has not called back helps you to know who he is. The same thing happened with my mother (who hung up on me). MWM? You have more courage than me!!! :O) I'm so sorry those words were spoken over you, MWM. But here is a thought: What kind of person is it who does not take pleasure in a child? A liar, that's who. What else has he lied to you about, to make you feel broken, to break your will and your spirit? And what, in all that hells that ever were, was the payoff that made it worth it to this grown man to break the spirit of a beautiful child, a beautiful young woman? I love it. You were polite, respectful, and appropriate. At some point, yes. But let it sit for now. This is your growing time, MWM. Journal through it, talk with husband about it, post here. Let it settle and let's see what it means to your spirit and to your heart to have begun breaking the layered chains of verbal abuse your father used to break your spirit from the time you were a little girl...from the time you were a baby, Pam. It helps me to imagine what it would have meant to the little girl I was if I had been spoken to gently, it I had been treated gently.... We need to acknowledge what happened, but we also need to realize how the abuse changed and limited us. The world is a competitive place. We went to school, to high school, to college, from a hurt, bruised place to compete against children raised to believe in themselves. Our parents' choice to abuse their children cost us more than shame and heartbreak, Pam. We went into the world believing we were less than we are. That is what their abusive pleasures cost US. He owes you everything. And everything, for you or for me, MWM, would be a parent who said: "I am so sorry. I loved you so much. I wanted to be better." That is what he owes you. My husband, too. Sometimes, when I tell him what I tell him, it's like I am thrown into that shamed place all over again. That tells me how much it must have hurt to be me, when I was little and defenseless, and didn't even know it was wrong, to treat me that way. ********************* I am so proud of you, MWM. What happens next between your father and yourself is less important than that you have come to value yourself enough to hear what he said without excusing him, without pretending he didn't mean it, and without forcing yourself to allow him to subject you to verbally abusive behavior because he is 90. You have courage. This thing you are doing is very hard. At the end of it? You win yourself, MWM. You win back who you will let yourself be. You erase all the bad messages, all the negative tapes, as you confront them. It is so worth it, Pam. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. I know how scary this is, how wrong it feels. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
OMG. Now my dad. Does it ever end?
Top