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OMG. Now my dad. Does it ever end?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 629477" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>MWM, I moved your thread in to our little corner of the Universe.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this happened with your Dad. I have a lot of empathy for you. </p><p></p><p>I am from a dysfunctional family as you and Cedar are so I do understand your response to your fathers abusive comments. I have had similar experiences with family members. My take on your experience MWM, based on my own recent experience is that I don't think it's an accident nor a coincidence that you have 'suddenly' refused to accept this bad behavior from your family, or I would imagine anyone. I think when we are able to make strong, impenetrable boundaries around our kids, those boundaries are now erected to prevent any kind of disrespectful behavior. What you used to accept as okay your boundary won't allow now. </p><p></p><p>I was told that when we are products of dysfunctional, abusive families, the normal and healthy "fence" we would ordinarily have around us to protect us and yet allow love and comfort through has "slats" missing. If we don't heal from this abuse, others, similar to those who first penetrated those 'slats' continue to slip through those openings gaining entry to our personal space where we are vulnerable and have no protection......and they can wreck havoc and do harm. As we become healthier, we build new 'slats' and our 'fence' becomes impenetrable and those who try to harm us, can't. </p><p></p><p>Your fence is now firmly erected around you and once that happens it becomes obvious to us who has slipped past our boundaries in the past and who does not deserve to enter again. Whether that is your father, your sister, your child or the guy at the grocery store, it doesn't matter, <u>no one</u> gets to treat you with disrespect, without compassion and kindness, without dignity and understanding. </p><p></p><p>I believe that you have strengthened your self respect and self love and now it is apparent what you will and will not accept. I believe that is a wonderful testament to your own growth, transformation and healing. You can decide to have limited contact with your Dad, OR NOT, it is entirely your choice. </p><p></p><p>There are members of my family whom I have absolutely no contact with because they are always hurtful to me, they just don't know enough to NOT be abusive. Others I have expressed my truths to and I had an experience of being seen and heard so I can be connected to them in <u>some </u>measure. And, that is as good as it is going to get. </p><p></p><p>Over many years I expressed my hurts and truths to my mother, who is 89 years old. Remarkably she was able to hear me and apologize, she has a willingness to take responsibility for her actions. She is still who she is however, so I have to remember to keep those boundaries intact because that is simply how she learned to behave in her own background, she did not heal from her own childhood. I can have compassion for her and I love her, however, I also am very clear about what my boundaries are.</p><p></p><p>From my own experience it seems when we get to setting boundaries around our family of origin, we are now at the root of our own issues and our sense of self respect has grown to a point to have the courage to address those archaic issues with truth and compassion. Compassion for ourselves FIRST. </p><p></p><p>As you move through this, you may decide to risk telling your Dad just how this makes you feel. Or not. If you did, you would have to become detached from the outcome because it wouldn't be about him, it would be about you and you sharing your truth. He may or may not be able to hear you. It could be a transformation for him..........or not. I have shared my truths with my entire family and the only one who has been capable of hearing me is my mother. It <em>seems</em> my daughter has been able to hear me as well. </p><p></p><p>You are very brave MWM, you've faced the Patriarch and it appears he has backed down. I recall when I confronted my raging Dad, he actually said to me, "it's about time." Whatever you decide to do about your connection with him, I think the important thing is that you put a stop to his abuse, you said a resounding NO and you didn't get down to his level to do it, you remained on higher ground. I am very proud of you. I am very happy for you. You done good MWM.</p><p></p><p>Once you get over the anger, really let yourself know how amazingly honest and truthful you were, how much courage it took and how it turned out that he backed down. If I were you MWM, I would celebrate, this is a victory of epic proportions. Nice job.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 629477, member: 13542"] MWM, I moved your thread in to our little corner of the Universe. I am so sorry this happened with your Dad. I have a lot of empathy for you. I am from a dysfunctional family as you and Cedar are so I do understand your response to your fathers abusive comments. I have had similar experiences with family members. My take on your experience MWM, based on my own recent experience is that I don't think it's an accident nor a coincidence that you have 'suddenly' refused to accept this bad behavior from your family, or I would imagine anyone. I think when we are able to make strong, impenetrable boundaries around our kids, those boundaries are now erected to prevent any kind of disrespectful behavior. What you used to accept as okay your boundary won't allow now. I was told that when we are products of dysfunctional, abusive families, the normal and healthy "fence" we would ordinarily have around us to protect us and yet allow love and comfort through has "slats" missing. If we don't heal from this abuse, others, similar to those who first penetrated those 'slats' continue to slip through those openings gaining entry to our personal space where we are vulnerable and have no protection......and they can wreck havoc and do harm. As we become healthier, we build new 'slats' and our 'fence' becomes impenetrable and those who try to harm us, can't. Your fence is now firmly erected around you and once that happens it becomes obvious to us who has slipped past our boundaries in the past and who does not deserve to enter again. Whether that is your father, your sister, your child or the guy at the grocery store, it doesn't matter, [U]no one[/U] gets to treat you with disrespect, without compassion and kindness, without dignity and understanding. I believe that you have strengthened your self respect and self love and now it is apparent what you will and will not accept. I believe that is a wonderful testament to your own growth, transformation and healing. You can decide to have limited contact with your Dad, OR NOT, it is entirely your choice. There are members of my family whom I have absolutely no contact with because they are always hurtful to me, they just don't know enough to NOT be abusive. Others I have expressed my truths to and I had an experience of being seen and heard so I can be connected to them in [U]some [/U]measure. And, that is as good as it is going to get. Over many years I expressed my hurts and truths to my mother, who is 89 years old. Remarkably she was able to hear me and apologize, she has a willingness to take responsibility for her actions. She is still who she is however, so I have to remember to keep those boundaries intact because that is simply how she learned to behave in her own background, she did not heal from her own childhood. I can have compassion for her and I love her, however, I also am very clear about what my boundaries are. From my own experience it seems when we get to setting boundaries around our family of origin, we are now at the root of our own issues and our sense of self respect has grown to a point to have the courage to address those archaic issues with truth and compassion. Compassion for ourselves FIRST. As you move through this, you may decide to risk telling your Dad just how this makes you feel. Or not. If you did, you would have to become detached from the outcome because it wouldn't be about him, it would be about you and you sharing your truth. He may or may not be able to hear you. It could be a transformation for him..........or not. I have shared my truths with my entire family and the only one who has been capable of hearing me is my mother. It [I]seems[/I] my daughter has been able to hear me as well. You are very brave MWM, you've faced the Patriarch and it appears he has backed down. I recall when I confronted my raging Dad, he actually said to me, "it's about time." Whatever you decide to do about your connection with him, I think the important thing is that you put a stop to his abuse, you said a resounding NO and you didn't get down to his level to do it, you remained on higher ground. I am very proud of you. I am very happy for you. You done good MWM. Once you get over the anger, really let yourself know how amazingly honest and truthful you were, how much courage it took and how it turned out that he backed down. If I were you MWM, I would celebrate, this is a victory of epic proportions. Nice job. [/QUOTE]
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