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Substance Abuse
On the verge of a nervous breakdown
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 457202" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Welcome. I'm very sorry you had to find us, meaning your difficult child is leading you here with his decisions. I'm glad though that you found this site, which has so many people who totally do understand your predicament. </p><p></p><p>I never had to deal with a adult son and the thought of kicking him out. And I don't believe anybody can know if it will help a difficult child grow up or if it will just lead them down a more chaotic path. I do however believe that when looked at with open eyes, it is all up to your difficult child, and out of your control. He can use standing on his own 2 feet as reason to have to smarten up or he can use it as a way to pretend his spiralling problems are your fault. But even if he blames you and continues to mess things up, logic says that he is wrong in blaming, these are his choices. You didn't create his problems, you can't fix his problems. You can love him. You don't have to have him in your home to love him. </p><p></p><p>I did remove my son. He was a minor and only just turning 12 years old. I'd been a member here for many years at that point and run the gauntlet trying to help him, much as you describe you did for your son. I could no longer pretend that I could help my son without him wanting to help himself. I removed him for my own sanity and his sisters protection, while hoping that indeed it would lead him to realize his mistakes and want to do better. I thought I'd tear apart inside. I did face judgement from some for removing him but surprisingly I had much more support than criticism. I second guess myself most days, I worried, I hated not knowing his activities daily etc. It wasn't fun, being honest here. But it worked in the long run, took over a year but he did return home (on MY terms) and I really have to give him credit for a complete change in himself. He is now 18, moved across the country with his g/f. He is working full time and they have a mortgage. He's productive, employed, addiction free (Well he smokes cigs, I hate it, but its not illegal so its not my business at his age), happy, he calls home near to daily to chat even if only for a few minutes. </p><p></p><p>My son may well have continued to mess up, at which point I knew then I had to stand my ground even if it killed me. I do know that had he not showed the changes and efforts, I would have held my ground with his best interests in mind and not welcomed him back into my home. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like aside from the fact that your son is disrespectful to your home, rules, boundaries etc, that you have your own medical issues etc you are handling in your life. I do think you should have him leave. He'll land on his feet, he'll figure something out. Will it make him instantly be the son you raised him to be and fix his messes? Unlikely. Is it the right and helpful message to send him about what he can at his age count on you for and what he can't? You betcha! I highly believe in letting our adult children sink or swim when they have behaviors that make it unhealthy for us to be supportive of etc. </p><p></p><p>In my opinion, it is often the greatest sign of love to throw our birds out of the nest so they can learn to fly. Some will soar right away, some struggle. But regardless, it sounds time. And you have earned your peace in your home.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 457202, member: 4264"] Welcome. I'm very sorry you had to find us, meaning your difficult child is leading you here with his decisions. I'm glad though that you found this site, which has so many people who totally do understand your predicament. I never had to deal with a adult son and the thought of kicking him out. And I don't believe anybody can know if it will help a difficult child grow up or if it will just lead them down a more chaotic path. I do however believe that when looked at with open eyes, it is all up to your difficult child, and out of your control. He can use standing on his own 2 feet as reason to have to smarten up or he can use it as a way to pretend his spiralling problems are your fault. But even if he blames you and continues to mess things up, logic says that he is wrong in blaming, these are his choices. You didn't create his problems, you can't fix his problems. You can love him. You don't have to have him in your home to love him. I did remove my son. He was a minor and only just turning 12 years old. I'd been a member here for many years at that point and run the gauntlet trying to help him, much as you describe you did for your son. I could no longer pretend that I could help my son without him wanting to help himself. I removed him for my own sanity and his sisters protection, while hoping that indeed it would lead him to realize his mistakes and want to do better. I thought I'd tear apart inside. I did face judgement from some for removing him but surprisingly I had much more support than criticism. I second guess myself most days, I worried, I hated not knowing his activities daily etc. It wasn't fun, being honest here. But it worked in the long run, took over a year but he did return home (on MY terms) and I really have to give him credit for a complete change in himself. He is now 18, moved across the country with his g/f. He is working full time and they have a mortgage. He's productive, employed, addiction free (Well he smokes cigs, I hate it, but its not illegal so its not my business at his age), happy, he calls home near to daily to chat even if only for a few minutes. My son may well have continued to mess up, at which point I knew then I had to stand my ground even if it killed me. I do know that had he not showed the changes and efforts, I would have held my ground with his best interests in mind and not welcomed him back into my home. It sounds like aside from the fact that your son is disrespectful to your home, rules, boundaries etc, that you have your own medical issues etc you are handling in your life. I do think you should have him leave. He'll land on his feet, he'll figure something out. Will it make him instantly be the son you raised him to be and fix his messes? Unlikely. Is it the right and helpful message to send him about what he can at his age count on you for and what he can't? You betcha! I highly believe in letting our adult children sink or swim when they have behaviors that make it unhealthy for us to be supportive of etc. In my opinion, it is often the greatest sign of love to throw our birds out of the nest so they can learn to fly. Some will soar right away, some struggle. But regardless, it sounds time. And you have earned your peace in your home. [/QUOTE]
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