on the verge of giving up

[L3dean]

Hi,
I am a single parent warrior that just now found this god-sent message board.

difficult child 1 has high-functioning autism - I finally found out that medications have no effect for that condition - and is still at home and making improvement (slight, but definately moving in the right direction).

difficult child 2 has BiPolar (BP), but has made tremendous progress and is no longer on medications, married with-2 kids and doing great since the months of raging, suicide threats and attempt several years ago.

difficult child 3 is a mid teen and has been hard to get diagnosed, especially with the 3-ring circus that I have tried to manage by myself for the last 20+ years. I was able to force a diagnosis of ADHD a couple of years ago just so I could get an IEP for him. but it has been a downhill plunge since then. DAD tried to whip him into shape for a measly 18 months before giving up and sending him back worse. now he has 2 counts of drug sales at the high school (was selling his medications to make friends), is in state custody, and I have to deal with a rookie CW who only is interested in getting me to admit that I am the one with the problem and need individual counseling and parenting classes, even though I have been through countless parenting classes, have applied all the love/logic, etc. techniques for years on all my kids and was even STATE-approved for being a Home Support care provider and mainly dealt with special needs kids for 2 years just recently.

difficult child 3 now has a double diagnosis of CD and ODD, but the CW still insists that I go and sit through at least 1 parenting class per month, and go to therapy.

after 2 weeks of trying to reconnoiter the communications difficulties several different ways, I finally blew my stack and sent a letter out to everybody involved just so that everyone would be aware of the commnication stalemate between me and CW (judge, 3 CW and their supervisors, PO, the GAL, and both attorneys) that the requirements presented to me by CW could not be met with the few options for solutions that CW offered, so I would give up rights at the next court date... so now CW thinks I am the one having the meltdown.

I don;t know where to go from here... help!

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, what a combination. Welcome.

I'm a bit confused as to what or whom you're giving up your rights. To your third child?

Or to be a state worker?

You are definitely in good company here. A few others have had issues with-soc wkrs and school employees thinking THEY are they problem. I haven't had that yet but if I did, it would not be a pretty sight. You must have lot of patience.

 

[L3dean]

Thanks for the welcome, I am glad I finally found a group that really understands what I am going through!

and sorry about the confusion, I just posted the short version last time, because the whole story could probably be made into a book.

I do have an extremely long fuse, but it has taken me about 10+ years to get that way- and I do have paper trails almost as old as each difficult child for each kid, but I had a fire in the mobile home that the extended family had just before daughter in law joined the military, and most of my files are soot damaged as well as being with difficult child 2 across the country. So basically- I am running this thing from scratch - yet again!

I have a court appointed attorney who completely backs me, and the state CW supervisor agrees with my line of thought and desire to have ALL the puzzle pieces on the table so I can see how to get the tasks accomplished.

the problem is the 3rd party rookie CW. I still get little more than a broken record routine from her - "don't worry about that for now, we can discuss that later, case plan recommendations are...", etc.

I have tried to hint that I need a new CW, but the judge ordered mediation vs. a new person, so I am stuck trying to "educate" CW as well as try to comply with a vague, generalized case plan, with incomplete resource availabilty, because I am restricted from initiating communications with anyone and must go thru CW's approval process first, even tho CW has failed to follow thru with key instructions to other people on several occasions already.

the case plan "recommendations" (requirements) were in such a contradictory format as to render the finding of a solution impossible for a single parent to accomplish... i.e. 1) must get day job to allow adequate supervision of difficult child 3 after school and evenings when he gets home, but must get night job to allow for current day appointments (CW meetings, therapy, court dates, etc.) to be accomplished.- 2) must have stable employment and home environment, but CW wanted me to just get any job now, and switch jobs at the point of difficult child 3 coming home, 3) etc.

*do you know how hard it is to get a job when your entire job history is racked with layoffs because of family problems*? (my motto is family first, as I refuse to turn out 3 more societal leaches like their father)

so with that kind of a double jeaperdy - I decided to let everyone know about the problem facing me, and threatened to give up rights to difficult child 3 as a drastic ploy to break up the communication stalemate between me and rookie CW.

I have already submitted to a Level 3 psychiatric evaluation, as has difficult child 3, but the CW has already refused to allow me to get a copy of them- and have had 5 therapy sessions (in which, the therapist had already agreed that I don't need individual therapy).

I am out of ideas, and no one else I have talked to yet has any new information or techniques to deal with difficult child 3, as all the old parenting skills are not reaching thru to difficult child 3. so, the natural conclusion that CW steadfastly preaches is that I am the problem.

 

[house of cards]

You have a heavy load, add having to jump through child welfare hoops on top of it can't be easy. I just got off a 10 yr time of dealing with cws because I did foster care and dealing with the cws was the hardest part by far. Sounds like you really know and understand what you are doing...you just have to bring the cw along with you for the ride, I can definitely see the aggravation. Welcome to the board.

 

[Lillyth]

Hi and welcome!

I don't have much in the way of advice about your CW, as I have not had to deal with that, but I did want to jump in and say something about the High-Functioning Autism (HFA).

You said there are no medications to deal with that, but my son is an Aspie, and is on Geodon to help with that. I've read from several sources that Geodon is very helpful in treating people on the autism spectrum (in very low doses). You may want to look into that, or one of the other anti-psychotics that are used for the same purpose.

Also, if you haven't tried it yet, a Gluten-Free/Caesin-Free diet can work wonders. My sister used to work with a woman whose son was so low on the autism spectrum that he essentially just sat in a corner and drooled. He had no language. She put him on the girlfriend/CF diet, and low and behold, he started speaking and being social! Only, now, if he gets even the tiniest crumb of gluten, he goes catatonic for three weeks. That is how powerfully autistic children can be affected by gluten or caesin.

My own son becomes completely unable to emotionally regulate himself. (We're talking HUGE meltdowns for something he would not even be slightly bothered by othwise).

I know that was not your chief complaint, but it was the only thing I could weigh in on - even little things like this might help your overall stress level...

And again, welcome.

I've only been on the board two days & gotten GREAT advice. I think you will find the same...

 

[change]

Prayers your way. This is all overwhelming and I don't have advice. I'm sorry. I can offer prayers though. Don't give up.