Only 3 wks of school and already a mtng and a lie

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Sep 10, 2009.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sigh. Yesterday difficult child's math teacher walked him to the car in afternoon carpool and said, "We need a mtng. difficult child has still not handed in a single math assignment. We're up to #9."
    Okay, I said. "As many teachers as possible." I was almost smiling (in a smug, I told you so manner) because I told her on the first day of school that I wanted to meet with-her and she wasn't certain we'd need a mtng. Well, she needs one now!
    I asked difficult child why he hadn't turned in the assignments and he said, "She wants me to follow some stupid rule and do it her way."

    NO, REALLY????? :faint::surprise:

    Today, difficult child's homeroom and religion teacher walked difficult child up to the car at carpool and said, "I have to talk to you and I think difficult child should listen." He sat next to me and I left the window open.
    "He told me he wrote his goal sheet and it was never turned in. It was due a wk ago Monday. Then he told me his juice packet exploded all over it, and you threw it away. That doesn't sound like something you would do."

    She had called the night b4 to tell me he'd get a zero for being a wk late. She didn't know what to do. I told her I'd have difficult child start from scratch and write it, despite the zero, and despite the fact he may have turned it in, may have lost it, or may have never written it at all. A goal sheet is a good assignment. It needs to be done. Period. (Why am I telling her this?)

    So I asked difficult child what sort of juice pkt exploded. "The orange one," he said.

    "I bought the orange ones Monday. Your assignment was due a week ago Monday."

    "Well, I thought it did."

    "You're making it sound like your mother is lying, difficult child," the teacher said, with-her head poked in my driver's side window. (She didn't quite grit her teeth, but I could see she was exasperated.)

    I told him that when you fabricate someything (if I say the word "lie," he goes ballistic, but somehow the teacher was able to do it) then you have to create more and more layers of stories and it just gets worse and worse. Then you can't remember what you told someone and you have to cover for the cover. If you had just stuck to the truth it would have been so much easier."

    "I know."

    He wouldn't make eye contact and she said, "I will not put up with lying. You told me you did the assigment."

    Satisfied that it had finally been turned in very late and that he lied about it, and more important, that he was aware that he'd been caught, she ended the conversation, reminding me that we would all have a mtng.

    I drove away in silence. When we got out of the pkng lot I turned to difficult child and said, "Nice try." :(:mad:

    He gave me a song and dance about how he was afraid he'd get into trouble, blah blah blah.

    "But why didn't you just do it in the first place?"

    No explanation.

    When we got home, I had him write an apology to his teacher. He was upset because last night, when he wrote his goals sheet, I had him do it 4 times. There were 3 goals: educational, personal, and spiritual. You had to write the goal, why you chose it, and something concrete you would do ea day to accomplish it.
    His writing was so disjointed--one sentence said he was going to work on paying more attention. Another sentence said he was going to try out for basketball. Another sentence said he was going to work on his grades.
    He wrote in ink, so he couldn't erase and there were scratched out globs everywhere.
    Finally, I numbered ea sentence in sequence and told him to rewrite the paragraphs in the order I gave him.
    On his 4th try, he finally got it right.

    So, today he said, "You're just going to correct me and make me write it 80 million times again!"

    "We'll see," I said.

    He sat down and wrote a beautiful apology in less than 2 min. No corrections.

    Woo hoo!

    It's been a rough week. And it's only Thursday.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Sorry Terry, but I'm chuckling here. It's the old anything-but-jump-thru-the-hoop thing. Honestly, some kids expend so much energy trying to get around the hoop when it is just so doggone simple to go thru it, even just every once in a while. ;) Their stamina amazes me.

    on the other hand - he cooperated with you and got the goal sheet done, and he did the apology note well the first time (thru the hoop?!?). All in all, not a bad week's work in gfgland.

    You have some pretty awesome stamina yourself. ;)
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Maybe he was overwhelmed with the assignment. I know that sounds silly to adults, but there were THREE goals and each goal had TWO parts to it. Maybe he needs help breaking things down, chunking the assignment. Not thinking about the whole, but just working on each part separately. I know my difficult child's get stuck on assignments like that sometimes. I would sit with them and talk them through it, "Tell me one goal." Then I have them write what down what they just said. "Tell me another goal," and so on. Then when all the goals are written, we go back to the first goal (and everything else is covered up) and I'd say, "Tell me why this is a good goal for you." Then we write whatever is said and move to the next goal. Then we go back and start all over with the how-I'm-going-to-accomplish-this part of the assignment.

    It's tedious, but for some kids with executive function issues they really, really need help distilling their assignments down so that they don't become overwhelmed by the big picture. The lying in our case would come from the panic of the situation and just finding it easier and less painful if they don't even deal with it and make up some fiction for why it wasn't done.

    Just a thought.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT was a champion at this sort of stuff in junior high, until she got tired of my showing up either before or after school for talks with the teacher in question. When the teacher and I compared notes, we found...:slap:...that it was Miss KT who was misrepresenting the facts. Eventually she got the picture, but it took a while.

    The amount of energy they use to get out of something is amazing, isn't it? It takes ten times more than if they would just DO the assignment. Hugs and strength to you.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Doesn't it make you want to just shake them until whatever is stuck in their thinking rattles loose?

    From my dad's teacher friends I have learned that 11 - 13 yo kids are notorious for not turning in assignments. I know it drove me absolutely bonkers!!!

    You are going to have to stay on top of him to get him to go through the hoop.

    Even Jessie will do 8 other, labor intensive chores than the ONE small thing I ask her to do. She did cut way back on it when I threatened to ask my MOM to talk to her.

    I remember telling a difficult child cousin that if he had used half the energy he spent getting into trouble as a kid on doing what he needed to do then he would have had a doctorate by the time he was 17.

    I will send some extra patience so you can avoid grinding all your teeth down!
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    "Tell me one goal." Then I have them write what down what they just said. "Tell me another goal," and so on. Then when all the goals are written, we go back to the first goal (and everything else is covered up) and I'd say, "Tell me why this is a good goal for you." Then we write whatever is said and move to the next goal. Then we go back and start all over with the how-I'm-going-to-accomplish-this part of the assignment.

    Gcv mom, yes, this is a good idea. I will talk to the teachers about Executive Function issues and breaking down components when we meet next wk.

    The amount of energy they use to get out of something is amazing, isn't it? It takes ten times more than if they would just DO the assignment.

    Yep, Kt mom, that's for sure!
    Amazing, isn't it? I just don't get it.

    Sorry Terry, but I'm chuckling here. It's the old anything-but-jump-thru-the-hoop thing.

    I know, Sue, that's why it's called Oppositional Definance Disorder. Maybe I cold rename it ABA disorder--Anything But Agreement.

    Doesn't it make you want to just shake them until whatever is stuck in their thinking rattles loose?

    At least! I can't even type what I'd like to do to him!!!!
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It got worse yesterday. difficult child had a football game. He's known about it for 2 wks.
    I washed his clothes and he told me he knew where everything was.

    He, of course, was on the computer, having told me that he wanted to do his math homework with-his dad later on. Not a good idea, since the game would be over very late and dad wouldn't be available until that time.

    I called him 4X. I should have actually looked at him. At 6:20, when I was ready to walk about the door, I looked at him--still seated at the computer--and he was wearing only boxers.

    So, he races around, trying to get everything together, and announces to me that his game pants are missing.

    OMG, I was ready to kill him.

    We looked behind both couches. In his drawers. In his closet. In the laundry (dirty and clean). In my car. In his sports storage box. After 25 min. we finally gave up. He wore his black practice pants, but everything else was fine. His team colors are royal blue, white and gold.

    In the car: "Mom, you'll have to buy me another pair."


    "It was just a suggestion."

    Then, "You have to walk onto the field with-me, Mom, because the coach is just going to yell at me."

    "Good. I hope he does."

    Coach: "No, you can't play like that. What did I tell you b4 about being responsible for your stuff? It's up to you, not your mama." Then, in a surprise move, he told one of the assistant coaches to get an extra pair of blue pants out of his truck.
    Wow! difficult child played!

    As I followed difficult child to the coach's truck, I started to cry. That was the last straw.
    I had picked up difficult child from school, taken him for a smoothie, gone through his school scheduler, ironed all difficult child's school clothes (I HATE ironing!!!), and had been fighting a migraine all week and ran out of medications, and had gotten a massage an hr earlier. It worked--I had just gotten rid of the migraine. And of course, after rushing around with-difficult child, it started to come back. Nothing like stress to make life one big happy party.

    difficult child turned and saw me. I didn't care.

    I drove to the pharmacy and pd $27 for one Imitrex (it was actually the massage therapist's idea to buy just one, since ins won't let you refill the scrip more than once a mo, and cash is $250).

    Then I met up with-husband and gave him a list of stuff difficult child had done. husband said he'd go to the game, help difficult child with-his math, and get him to bed. Whew.

    I went home and found MORE stuff.

    difficult child had used the toilet and had a bowel movement. No toilet paper, no flushing, nada. Just a big stink. Ew.
    He snuck low cal cookies into his sister's rm where the computer was. I lock my ofc to hide my snacks but he found a way in, obviously. He also had an empty yogurt container in there--also mine--which he knows he can't have because it has milk and the wrong kind of bacteria to help him digest it.
    I was so mad!

    I can't remember the rest, but I ended up writing a list of things he had done and needed to do (incl. writing an apology and thankyou note to the coach), totally grounded difficult child off the computer forever (unless it's a school assignment), deleted his online games, defragged the hard drive, upgraded McAffee, typed in a new password, hid the mouse, hid the room key.
    The Imitrex had kicked in. I was ready to hit the hay.

    difficult child and husband walked in. I pointed to the note and said, "Go over this with-your father. NOW. I"m going to bed."
    "Why are you so mad?"

    (by the way, in typical Aspie fashion, this a.m. I asked difficult child whether he had gotten home at 9:15 or 9:30 last night, because I hadn't checked the time. He said, "9:33.")

    So for those of you who congratulated me on being strong, thank you, but I ran out of steam. I never went to the game, and I make it a point to go to all of difficult child's games. But I just couldn't stand one more minute with him. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep.

    I'm better today, but still drained. And I'm catching a cold.

    I'm going to take a nap. I find that detachment is much easier when I'm asleep. :)
  8. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Yeah, that's a whole pile o' crud to have to deal with in one day. I would have run screaming to my room and locked the door. I hope your husband was able to help him get the homework finished AND address all the "issues" on the list. Maybe he needs to be counseled by the two of you this weekend and reminded about expectations and rules.

    I'm thinking of posting a sign in our bathrooms for the difficult child's that states "Flush. Wash." because I'm tired of hovering in hallways to remind them. I think I'll post it at eye-level for both standers and sitters :p
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Double yuck!

    Graphic Organizers help also for keeping our Learning Disability (LD) kids on track and being able to visualize where they are going with a sentence or thought and why.

    K's automatic response when she is scared or anxious is NO or I didn't do it. She isn't really lying, per se', but she freezes with fear.
    Even though she never gets in trouble it is an automatic response because she is convinced that she is horrible and will have some terrible punishment put upon her for some reason.
    A lot of our kids do this, it is a stupid gut reaction, a non-thinking response.
    Maybe because he has gotten in trouble for various things in the past that he has to face the music for, this is an automatic reaction without even thinking.
    Not that it makes it OK.
    Maybe he becomes anxious and lies.
    Just a thought.
    Sleep sounds good on days like that! LOL
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Saw the title of your post and it brought back flashbacks.

    been there done that in doublicate plus.

    My thought...organizers, tutors, coaches.....get your kid some help and then say to yourself "I have done the best I can do. It is what it is. I am super mom. Where is the spa?"
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Spa. I like that idea!
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest


    What's with the Imitrex?

    Imitrex now comes Generic.

    Also, there is a new thing out called Treximet..

    All my friends are getting the generic Imitrex (including myself). My insurance will NO longer cover Imitrex. The generics...a little coating.

    However, the generic works and is normal price.

    I have found taking 50 mgs. of Imitrex (generic) and large dosage of Naproxen VERY good. In fact, studies show it to be effective. Throw in a couple of sips of coffee to make it all work faster...

    Also...there was a new study that showed that Lipoic Acid (supplement at Health food store) might be a good preventative...put a little dent in the problem. Other good supplements: coq10, magnesium, calcium and the B vitamins.

    Hope you get to the spa~
  13. Mandy

    Mandy Parent In Training

    I hate when the teachers come out to the car:anxious: I actually tense up now waiting to see if Little Bear is coming out on his own or not!!

    Since Little Bear is a bit younger I don't know how much good advice I can give, but going to the spa sounds nice!! I want to go too!!!:D

  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Imitrex comes in a generic? I never knew that! I'll call the dr's ofc asap.
    I like the idea of combining it with-naproxen sodium.
    I'll check on the lipoic acid. Thank you, Nomad!
    Mandy and everyone, thanks for the hugs!
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    You did not hear this from shhhh

    Try this...
    Get a script for 100 mg. SUMATRIPTAN (generic).
    and 550mg Naproxen Sodium (could also try over the counter...but I don't believe you would get the same dosage/not sure)

    When you have a migraine, break the sumatriptan in half and take a Naproxen too (at the same time)

    Lay down for 15 mins. if a dark room. If necessary, drink a few sips of coffee.

    If this still doesn't work...take the other 1/2 of Sumatriptan.

    However, OFTEN, the 50 mgs. of Sumatriptan PLUS the large dosage of Naproxen together taken at the same time works very well.

    This situation works for a LOT of folks and is economical.


    Remember, you did NOT hear it from me.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Can I tell them you reminded me to take my vitamins? ;)