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opinions about no contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 746967" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Dear Acacia, All or nothing is a scenario my two put on me. <em>Their terms. </em>That’s what is so difficult about this “game.” I think we become numb after so many years of the rollercoaster ride, trying to seek solutions for our beloveds, when they don’t really want change, they just want what they can get out of us. It’s like Patty Hearst syndrome, we have been kidnapped by the chaos and the idea of unconditional love, we feel we have to continue a relationship when there is no reciprocity, no middle ground. It amounts to emotional abuse, control and manipulation. I think we do no favors when we cave to that, they don’t learn to be independent, we become exhausted in so many ways, and oft times, resentful.</p><p>I love my two, but in their current state, using meth, living on the streets, I see myself as nothing more than a <em>mark</em> for them. That’s hard, but it is fact. They have gone no contact of their own accord, because I will not allow them to live in my home and do whatever they please.</p><p>When Tornado was in jail, she called several times, wanting supervised release, quoting Bible verses, saying she was clean and needed to be with family. I got sucked into the rabbit hole emotionally, but held my ground. She said if they let her out back on the streets, she would go right back to her ways. Then it was that rehabs were full, which I found out was true. She lied to the judge and probation officer saying she was going to live with me. She missed her check in and court dates, has a bench warrant and if she gets caught, will spend more jail time. Sigh.</p><p> It took awhile for me to shake off the sadness and yes, guilt and realize that she had placed her burden again, on me. It is not mine to bear.</p><p>She was released and has slipped through the cracks again, haven’t heard from her.</p><p>Reality check, what does a loving relationship with an adult child look and feel like?</p><p>Not this, for sure.</p><p>Not the torment, fog, precious time wasted feeling miserable over something we have absolutely no control over. That’s change, in them.</p><p>But, we can change. We can recognize our Pavlovian response when they push buttons to get what they want out of us. We can examine our emotions and mental health and figure out what works for us, irrespective of what their current circumstances, consequences and oftentimes emergent ( to them)“needs” are, that send us into the swirly whirly of rescue mode, or guilt, if we put our foot down and say no.</p><p>Put the oxygen mask on yourself, first. It is not selfish, <em>it is self preservation. </em></p><p>It is a sad fact that our wayward adult kids idea of unconditional love is so damned life sucking.</p><p> I don’t know how Hubs 80 ish cousins do it, they continue to house a meth addicted son, who suffered a stroke recently due to meth, miraculously recovered, then went back to using again.</p><p>No contact is hard, but I must say, it is easier than being a constant go to for someone who really doesn’t give a rip about themselves, let alone their mother. I don’t have a whole lot of time left on this earth. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my days contemplating what I should or should not do for grown children who are capable of fending for themselves, <em>if they choose.</em></p><p>Love says no. Self love recognizes when we are being taken advantage of and manipulated.</p><p>Only we can decide. Given the chance, my two would twist love into an ugly game, rip out my heart and stomp on it. Not going there.</p><p>Stay strong and figure out what <em>your</em> needs are. You owe that to yourself, and ultimately to your son. Allowing our capable adult children to “play” us, does not help them to grow, and it causes so many layers of grief for us.</p><p> Unacceptable.</p><p>You matter. Your time matters.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 746967, member: 19522"] Dear Acacia, All or nothing is a scenario my two put on me. [I]Their terms. [/I]That’s what is so difficult about this “game.” I think we become numb after so many years of the rollercoaster ride, trying to seek solutions for our beloveds, when they don’t really want change, they just want what they can get out of us. It’s like Patty Hearst syndrome, we have been kidnapped by the chaos and the idea of unconditional love, we feel we have to continue a relationship when there is no reciprocity, no middle ground. It amounts to emotional abuse, control and manipulation. I think we do no favors when we cave to that, they don’t learn to be independent, we become exhausted in so many ways, and oft times, resentful. I love my two, but in their current state, using meth, living on the streets, I see myself as nothing more than a [I]mark[/I] for them. That’s hard, but it is fact. They have gone no contact of their own accord, because I will not allow them to live in my home and do whatever they please. When Tornado was in jail, she called several times, wanting supervised release, quoting Bible verses, saying she was clean and needed to be with family. I got sucked into the rabbit hole emotionally, but held my ground. She said if they let her out back on the streets, she would go right back to her ways. Then it was that rehabs were full, which I found out was true. She lied to the judge and probation officer saying she was going to live with me. She missed her check in and court dates, has a bench warrant and if she gets caught, will spend more jail time. Sigh. It took awhile for me to shake off the sadness and yes, guilt and realize that she had placed her burden again, on me. It is not mine to bear. She was released and has slipped through the cracks again, haven’t heard from her. Reality check, what does a loving relationship with an adult child look and feel like? Not this, for sure. Not the torment, fog, precious time wasted feeling miserable over something we have absolutely no control over. That’s change, in them. But, we can change. We can recognize our Pavlovian response when they push buttons to get what they want out of us. We can examine our emotions and mental health and figure out what works for us, irrespective of what their current circumstances, consequences and oftentimes emergent ( to them)“needs” are, that send us into the swirly whirly of rescue mode, or guilt, if we put our foot down and say no. Put the oxygen mask on yourself, first. It is not selfish, [I]it is self preservation. [/I] It is a sad fact that our wayward adult kids idea of unconditional love is so damned life sucking. I don’t know how Hubs 80 ish cousins do it, they continue to house a meth addicted son, who suffered a stroke recently due to meth, miraculously recovered, then went back to using again. No contact is hard, but I must say, it is easier than being a constant go to for someone who really doesn’t give a rip about themselves, let alone their mother. I don’t have a whole lot of time left on this earth. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my days contemplating what I should or should not do for grown children who are capable of fending for themselves, [I]if they choose.[/I] Love says no. Self love recognizes when we are being taken advantage of and manipulated. Only we can decide. Given the chance, my two would twist love into an ugly game, rip out my heart and stomp on it. Not going there. Stay strong and figure out what [I]your[/I] needs are. You owe that to yourself, and ultimately to your son. Allowing our capable adult children to “play” us, does not help them to grow, and it causes so many layers of grief for us. Unacceptable. You matter. Your time matters. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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