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Oprah today/tough love/misc thoughts
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 254399" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Timely post, Nomad.</p><p></p><p>Parents who have not been through what we have been through could never understand, in a million years, what our parenting experiences have been. It is important for us to remember this when we watch other parents basking in the reflected glory their brilliant, successful children throw off. It is very unlikely we will be doing any basking any time soon. If our rebel, drug addicted children survive their adolescences, they will become poorly educated adults whose job skills and work ethic are non-existent. </p><p></p><p>But we love them.</p><p></p><p>We love them desperately, and we work harder ~ to save them, to change them, to help them ~ than any normal parent ever dreamed of doing.</p><p></p><p>And we bask in reflected shame, not reflected glory.</p><p></p><p>But here is the thing.</p><p></p><p>Remember that there was a time, not so long ago, when homosexuality was believed to have been caused by poor mothering. Remember that there are, and have always been, families in which some of the children became fine, upstanding members of society and others didn't. (Both Presidents Clinton and Carter had brothers ~ and in Clinton's case, a mother, too ~ who were less than sterling representatives of what it is to be human.)</p><p></p><p>And yet, Jimmy grew up to be President.</p><p></p><p>And so did Bill.</p><p></p><p>We need to remember that everyone "out there" is looking for a simple solution to what happens when things go wrong and a child with what seems like a perfectly promising life throws it all away on drugs. The most obvious scapegoat is the parent. Because we parents already feel so badly about the tragedy that has come into our lives and the lives of our children, we are without words to clarify our muddled situations or defend ourselves from the basking parents for whom it has all been so easy. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps that is because, on some level, we believe we did something wrong, too.</p><p></p><p>Remember Jimmy and Billy Carter. Remember Miss Lilian, so different from her son, Bily.</p><p></p><p>Remember President Clinton's mother. If there were ever a mother who should never have raised a Rhodes Scholar, Bill Clinton's mother was it.</p><p></p><p>So the pat answer that it was some failure in parenting that caused our children to fall (or that it was some wonderful, sterling parenting ability that saw the children of our friends successfully through their adolescences) is wrong.</p><p></p><p>Oprah was wrong to do what she did.</p><p></p><p>But like so many people (me too, before our family lost so much), the parents are blamed for outcomes that they could not prevent.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 254399, member: 3353"] Timely post, Nomad. Parents who have not been through what we have been through could never understand, in a million years, what our parenting experiences have been. It is important for us to remember this when we watch other parents basking in the reflected glory their brilliant, successful children throw off. It is very unlikely we will be doing any basking any time soon. If our rebel, drug addicted children survive their adolescences, they will become poorly educated adults whose job skills and work ethic are non-existent. But we love them. We love them desperately, and we work harder ~ to save them, to change them, to help them ~ than any normal parent ever dreamed of doing. And we bask in reflected shame, not reflected glory. But here is the thing. Remember that there was a time, not so long ago, when homosexuality was believed to have been caused by poor mothering. Remember that there are, and have always been, families in which some of the children became fine, upstanding members of society and others didn't. (Both Presidents Clinton and Carter had brothers ~ and in Clinton's case, a mother, too ~ who were less than sterling representatives of what it is to be human.) And yet, Jimmy grew up to be President. And so did Bill. We need to remember that everyone "out there" is looking for a simple solution to what happens when things go wrong and a child with what seems like a perfectly promising life throws it all away on drugs. The most obvious scapegoat is the parent. Because we parents already feel so badly about the tragedy that has come into our lives and the lives of our children, we are without words to clarify our muddled situations or defend ourselves from the basking parents for whom it has all been so easy. Perhaps that is because, on some level, we believe we did something wrong, too. Remember Jimmy and Billy Carter. Remember Miss Lilian, so different from her son, Bily. Remember President Clinton's mother. If there were ever a mother who should never have raised a Rhodes Scholar, Bill Clinton's mother was it. So the pat answer that it was some failure in parenting that caused our children to fall (or that it was some wonderful, sterling parenting ability that saw the children of our friends successfully through their adolescences) is wrong. Oprah was wrong to do what she did. But like so many people (me too, before our family lost so much), the parents are blamed for outcomes that they could not prevent. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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