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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 334287" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>The stress you feel in visitations is the result of his manipulation. He knows that you will do anything to make life easier for him. He is trying to guilt you into smoothing the way. He will be very angry because you are not doing what he thinks you should.</p><p> </p><p>Your job as he was growing up was to protect him. Somehow along the way, he misunderstood and thought that also meant to protect him from himself, meaning he was not responsible for anything. Time to learn natural consequences. - You break the law, you pay - no one, not even your parents can get you out of this. You have to grow up and make better choices.</p><p> </p><p>There is a book called "The Manipulative Child". I feel it is geared to help parents of younger kids but I think if you read it, you will understand what he is trying to do and it will give you strength to put an end to his manipulations. The book is awesome at not pointing fingers - your child is not a bad person, he has just picked up this survival habit that works for him. You fell into it naturally by wanting what was best for him and wanting him to be able to solve problems and make decisions. (I did the same with my kids - I was so proud of them finding on their own how to get their own way that I didn't recognize that it led to manipulation.)</p><p> </p><p>This will take a long time because it has grown into a habit of yours and your son. You two really don't know of another way to react to each other. However, you have a husband who will support your decision to put an end to your son hurting you.</p><p></p><p>Detachment will hurt so deeply but for your son's sake as well as your own, you must detach for now. Remind him that his decisions are his own and you will not rescue him.</p><p> </p><p>He knows that you are the weak link. He will throw all the emotional cards he can. Take your strength from your husband. Put your son in your husband's hands and trust that husband will do what is best.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 334287, member: 5096"] The stress you feel in visitations is the result of his manipulation. He knows that you will do anything to make life easier for him. He is trying to guilt you into smoothing the way. He will be very angry because you are not doing what he thinks you should. Your job as he was growing up was to protect him. Somehow along the way, he misunderstood and thought that also meant to protect him from himself, meaning he was not responsible for anything. Time to learn natural consequences. - You break the law, you pay - no one, not even your parents can get you out of this. You have to grow up and make better choices. There is a book called "The Manipulative Child". I feel it is geared to help parents of younger kids but I think if you read it, you will understand what he is trying to do and it will give you strength to put an end to his manipulations. The book is awesome at not pointing fingers - your child is not a bad person, he has just picked up this survival habit that works for him. You fell into it naturally by wanting what was best for him and wanting him to be able to solve problems and make decisions. (I did the same with my kids - I was so proud of them finding on their own how to get their own way that I didn't recognize that it led to manipulation.) This will take a long time because it has grown into a habit of yours and your son. You two really don't know of another way to react to each other. However, you have a husband who will support your decision to put an end to your son hurting you. Detachment will hurt so deeply but for your son's sake as well as your own, you must detach for now. Remind him that his decisions are his own and you will not rescue him. He knows that you are the weak link. He will throw all the emotional cards he can. Take your strength from your husband. Put your son in your husband's hands and trust that husband will do what is best. [/QUOTE]
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