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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 334659" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>First let me say welcome you have found a good place for support and ideas.</p><p> </p><p>I too have been there done that. My son is about to be released from prison after being in and out for 4 years now because he would not adheare to court ordered programs after his initial burglary/assualt crimes. I find he talks the talk very well but doesn't walk the walk. In the past I have been very involved with finding placements and services for him only for him to go off down the road to destruction (and jail) once again. This time I'm leaving it up to him for the most part. He will have to put in a real effort before I will help and I will not ever again rescue him from problems of his own making. </p><p> </p><p>I was not always this strong. In fact I was a mess when I first found this board. I just wanted a happy family and a nice life in a nice community but my difficult child was making that impossible. I was in constant "damage control" mode. But eventually I couldn't control the fall out and I couldn't live with the caous.</p><p> </p><p>You see my son is also a liar and has told some woppers about me and his home life in order to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him and give him things he should have earned. He has ruined my reputation in two different towns now and I have few friends in the community in which I currently live. (I have many in my vacation spot though). People here see me living in a nice house while my difficult child was homeless or in group homes and programs. They did not see how he abused me and my home, that he stole from us constantly, that he racked up phone and cable and legal and therapy and hospital bills(the medical bills would have been fine if he stayed and got the help he needed but he would check into hospitals and then leave as soon as treatment and accountability started. difficult child would call his therapist on the phone @ $150/hour and then not follow her advice. In one year he had spent over 50K of our money and we had to cash in life insurance to help pay for all of it. Four years later I have just paid the last installment on his hospital bill and his creditors have stopped calling here.) All these bills without a thought or an ounce of caring that he was going to bankrupt us if he didn't stop. In addition these people who critisize me don't know that he was violent with me. </p><p> </p><p>you see my difficult child initially presents as normal. He is handsome and very soft spoken and funny. He seems sweet and compassionate to the outside world and at time he is all that... but there is also a lazy, manupilative, stubborn and abusive side to him. When that side manifested the people who had taken him in and believed his horror stories would call me and yell at me that he was driving them crazy and/or had taken advantage or stolen from them. One of these people beat my son up with a chain and left him to walk 7 miles to the nearest ER where he was stiched up and sent home to me. He almost lost his eye. That same person had the nerve to ask my husband what kind of parents we were. Once he had given a street frind permission and access to living in our garage. We came home late at night to find this stoned out kid sleeping in our car. So you see my son brought all kinds of misery and low lifes into my home and my life. But I still care about him and love him. </p><p> </p><p>Most people who judge me haven't taken the time to know me and so they really do not matter to me at all. Others including family members either can't relate or are so disfunctional they see motherhood as a carte blance for maltreatment by one's children and feel I am too hard on him. While it is hard being judged all the time I still hold my head high because I know that what I have gone through would have brought most parents to their knees. What I do or don't do for my difficult child I do out of love... love for my difficult child and love for myself. </p><p> </p><p>Not rescuing is hard this isn't called 'tough love' without reason. I could never have gotten through the last several years if not for the support and caring advice of the other parents on this board. </p><p> </p><p>So take care of yourself and your marriage. Find a good support system and fun activities for yourself and your husband to enjoy. Life does get better if you want it to. It requires detachment and a virtual suit of armor to protect you from the hard blows that will come your way. Work on developing those two things and let your son reap what he sows. Hopefully he will learn from his erronious ways and the consequences they bring. Stop making yourself responsible for him and his bad choices and move towards your own peace of mind. Come here for support and advice when you are struggling and sad. We understand. -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 334659, member: 2315"] First let me say welcome you have found a good place for support and ideas. I too have been there done that. My son is about to be released from prison after being in and out for 4 years now because he would not adheare to court ordered programs after his initial burglary/assualt crimes. I find he talks the talk very well but doesn't walk the walk. In the past I have been very involved with finding placements and services for him only for him to go off down the road to destruction (and jail) once again. This time I'm leaving it up to him for the most part. He will have to put in a real effort before I will help and I will not ever again rescue him from problems of his own making. I was not always this strong. In fact I was a mess when I first found this board. I just wanted a happy family and a nice life in a nice community but my difficult child was making that impossible. I was in constant "damage control" mode. But eventually I couldn't control the fall out and I couldn't live with the caous. You see my son is also a liar and has told some woppers about me and his home life in order to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him and give him things he should have earned. He has ruined my reputation in two different towns now and I have few friends in the community in which I currently live. (I have many in my vacation spot though). People here see me living in a nice house while my difficult child was homeless or in group homes and programs. They did not see how he abused me and my home, that he stole from us constantly, that he racked up phone and cable and legal and therapy and hospital bills(the medical bills would have been fine if he stayed and got the help he needed but he would check into hospitals and then leave as soon as treatment and accountability started. difficult child would call his therapist on the phone @ $150/hour and then not follow her advice. In one year he had spent over 50K of our money and we had to cash in life insurance to help pay for all of it. Four years later I have just paid the last installment on his hospital bill and his creditors have stopped calling here.) All these bills without a thought or an ounce of caring that he was going to bankrupt us if he didn't stop. In addition these people who critisize me don't know that he was violent with me. you see my difficult child initially presents as normal. He is handsome and very soft spoken and funny. He seems sweet and compassionate to the outside world and at time he is all that... but there is also a lazy, manupilative, stubborn and abusive side to him. When that side manifested the people who had taken him in and believed his horror stories would call me and yell at me that he was driving them crazy and/or had taken advantage or stolen from them. One of these people beat my son up with a chain and left him to walk 7 miles to the nearest ER where he was stiched up and sent home to me. He almost lost his eye. That same person had the nerve to ask my husband what kind of parents we were. Once he had given a street frind permission and access to living in our garage. We came home late at night to find this stoned out kid sleeping in our car. So you see my son brought all kinds of misery and low lifes into my home and my life. But I still care about him and love him. Most people who judge me haven't taken the time to know me and so they really do not matter to me at all. Others including family members either can't relate or are so disfunctional they see motherhood as a carte blance for maltreatment by one's children and feel I am too hard on him. While it is hard being judged all the time I still hold my head high because I know that what I have gone through would have brought most parents to their knees. What I do or don't do for my difficult child I do out of love... love for my difficult child and love for myself. Not rescuing is hard this isn't called 'tough love' without reason. I could never have gotten through the last several years if not for the support and caring advice of the other parents on this board. So take care of yourself and your marriage. Find a good support system and fun activities for yourself and your husband to enjoy. Life does get better if you want it to. It requires detachment and a virtual suit of armor to protect you from the hard blows that will come your way. Work on developing those two things and let your son reap what he sows. Hopefully he will learn from his erronious ways and the consequences they bring. Stop making yourself responsible for him and his bad choices and move towards your own peace of mind. Come here for support and advice when you are struggling and sad. We understand. -RM [/QUOTE]
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