Son is home. He was discharged and has weekly outpatient counselling. He has been going to a few AA meetings also. He seems healthier and in a better mood but I am not as naive as I have been. I saw his little journal I gave him when he went in and I read it.... probably shouldn't have. He mentions on day 3 a resident sneaking in some sleeping pills and it looks like he had a few. After that he talks about wanting to get out but needing to do this so as not to disappoint his family. He says the right things most of the time, but I'm not convinced. He has been home earlier ... close to 12, instead of 6am. But he is still sleeping a lot. He has only been home less than five days, and I told him Monday he needs to start on a daytime routine. He claimed to have a job for tomorrow helping a friend with pressure washing houses. Hmmm I am so sceptical now that I feel like a police officer interrogating him. I have told him I'm done with lies. But is he??? I don't want to be so pessimistic as to make it worse for him. I know a big part of his issue is our disappointment in him. He has so much shame around it, it's all through his writings and poems. I told him we are not holding it against him, to let it go, but maybe we are unconsciously. I can be so objective and respond in a non judgemental way with my teens at school but it's so hard with my own... I can't do it. I actually accepted a new guidance counsellor position in my district for next year at a city elementary school and will only be working with younger students. I need a break from the issues the older ones have, suicide, self harm, drugs, pregnancy... I know it's wearing on me and moving down to lower ages will still have heartbreak in its own way, it will not be so close to home. I am looking forward to it. Two more weeks of school and I will be off. Sigh.... my whole body hurts. Trying to navigate this without projecting onto my son. I am no longer even looking past the day, the week. He needs to take the direction of his life. I'm done. I am offering no advice or wisdom. He doesn't want or listen to me anyway. I have no idea what is going to happen.