Out of house 1 week

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by RPmom, Dec 23, 2018.

  1. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    My daughter has now been out of the house for one week. We have had minimal contact on the phone which has been fine. No idea where she is staying or how she is living. I am not particularly worried because I have heard from one of her friends Who I also let stay at my house for a while and who has tons of junk sitting in my junk guest room. My daughter had told his friend that she had been kicked out and the friend better come get all of her junk or I would throw it away.
    I will be away for a couple of days for Christmas which I’m sure my daughter knows as I am going to visit my sister. I changed all the locks on the house. I went today and bought security cameras so I can watch what goes on inside and outside my house. I have a neighbor who will come by to feed my animals and check on what is going on. This all just seems crazy but I know I have to do it.
    I am confused about Christmas. She has not been invited to family Christmases for several years because of her behavior. So she knew she would not be coming to family Christmas this year either. However I do you give her present such as clothes, shoes, make up. I already have some presents that I had previously purchased for her. I would like to give them to her and to see her but I do not know if that is the right thing to do or how to accomplish that. Our family will give her her presents for me to bring back as well. Any advice?
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Set a time when you get back at a busy restaurant so that you can spend time safely and not let her alone with you, which could be dangerous. Especially if she gets violent you need to stay sttay safe!

    Enjoy yoir holiday!
     
  3. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Stay strong. You did great changing the locks and getting the cameras. I recently did the exact same. I remember I felt as if I was Superwoman guarding my land against invaders or something like that. I felt like dang it this is my home my sanctuary and my life!
    I'm nervous about today this is why I am awake so early. Yesterday my brother brought him to my moms house for Christmas. He didn't speak to me. I'm okay I enjoyed myself with my other two boys, men.
    Today we will be at my house I have gifts as well and our Gbabes will be coming over.
    All I can say to you is you just begun to regain your castle it's still fresh. I would not let her inside the home. She hasn't been away long enough to realize that this is not her house.
    I'd meet her at a restaurant eat give the gifts and dont ask many questions about shelter, drugs, finances.
    When I first kicked my son out and had a visit with him its was strange. I wanted to love and bring him home. Instead I printed out resources for shelters and food bus passes. You are Superwoman.
    Joysheph
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Your focus is in you. Your feelings. Your security. Your needs. Your wants.

    Hers is in her.

    This is the changing and learning that needs to happen for each of you.

    That is the only criteria that gets met. Do I feel safe? Calm?

    Her life is hers. Her needs are hers. Her feelings are hers. Her consequences, hers.

    You are off to a great start. I agree with the others. Meet in a busy restaurant. Be open. Kind. Don't talk about hard stuff. Ask nothing. Expect nothing expect respect and courtesy. If she crosses that line, leave right away.

    However. If you don't want to go, don't. You can drop of the stuff at a friend's.

    My situation is like yours with my son. He is 30. 5 mos ago I kicked him out of a property I own. He began to squat. When he came to my house he would not leave. The police were called several times. I was terrorized.

    He left town. There was a period of elation on my part (that I had set a limit) and then despair. He is sleeping in a friends truck a few hours from here. Homeless.

    The point I want to make is over time we have found a way to stay in touch. It is loving. Mostly respectful. We text. Sometimes a dozen times a day.

    I have no expectations anymore except that he take care of his health. That is my only bottom line. I no longer believe I have a power center or responsibility in his life. My center of gravity has shifted. There is something paradoxical that is happening. He seems more hopeful about himself.

    The changes that can happen when we begin to bring home our own energy are a gift.

    Merry Christmas.
     
  5. Misssy2

    Misssy2 New Member

    I don't understand buying the gifts in the first place. As an outsider i am thinking there is a reason she is not living in your house and don't understand rewarding her with presents...I don't know if I would do the same thing in the situation...

    I'm not judging..because its very possible I would.

    I just am saying when I read this post I get the feeling of "conflicted message".
    :(