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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 35288" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I've had a situation like this - not with my family, but with friends - when a former friend began pumping all my friends for information. At first I asked people to not tell him anything, but I soon realised that this was unrealistic, because often what they told him was apparently harmless; it's just that he would twist it and make it sound bad. For example, my seasonal job had it's usual rush period, then came the quiet break before the next rush. I mentioned to a friend that I was looking forward to a few quiet weeks before the next rush and my work hours had been cut back for the quiet period - I then heard back that my former friend was telling everyone that I was about to be sacked!</p><p></p><p>My friend who had accidentally talked to him - she had walked into the same cafe, and he has asked her how I was going, in very friendly, "I care about my friend" terms. She thought she was sharing harmless public information with a friend.</p><p></p><p>As a result, I share no information with anyone, not even closest friends. I trust no friend to keep things confidential, so I simply don't tell anyone stuff I want kept confidential. I soon learnt, by releasing little snippets of fascinating but false info, who I could trust to keep mouths shut and who I could not.</p><p></p><p>Friends gossip because the secrecy of the information means far less to them than it does to you. There's nothing malicious about it; they just don't think. They have too much of their own life on their minds to try to remember what they can talk about, and what they cannot. You need to think for them, to make the decision to not share anything you don't want spread around. The same goes for your parents. You also need to listen, to hear what is coming back.</p><p></p><p>And I would suggest - share with your parents what it is you hear coming back, via the legal system. For example, if you share that you and husband are very happy together, and thrilled about the baby, you might hear from DEX's lawyers that he is concerned that you are too engrossed in your new relationship to pay attention to difficult child, who is now suffering from emotional neglect. This is not necessarily what your parents would have shared, but it IS what a disgruntled ex would do with the positive information you shared. It's likely that your parents would be horrified to discover that the ex-sister in law they want to stay in touch with is abusing that relationship to hurt you. But they won't believe it until you can prove it by showing them what he's doing with the info.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 35288, member: 1991"] I've had a situation like this - not with my family, but with friends - when a former friend began pumping all my friends for information. At first I asked people to not tell him anything, but I soon realised that this was unrealistic, because often what they told him was apparently harmless; it's just that he would twist it and make it sound bad. For example, my seasonal job had it's usual rush period, then came the quiet break before the next rush. I mentioned to a friend that I was looking forward to a few quiet weeks before the next rush and my work hours had been cut back for the quiet period - I then heard back that my former friend was telling everyone that I was about to be sacked! My friend who had accidentally talked to him - she had walked into the same cafe, and he has asked her how I was going, in very friendly, "I care about my friend" terms. She thought she was sharing harmless public information with a friend. As a result, I share no information with anyone, not even closest friends. I trust no friend to keep things confidential, so I simply don't tell anyone stuff I want kept confidential. I soon learnt, by releasing little snippets of fascinating but false info, who I could trust to keep mouths shut and who I could not. Friends gossip because the secrecy of the information means far less to them than it does to you. There's nothing malicious about it; they just don't think. They have too much of their own life on their minds to try to remember what they can talk about, and what they cannot. You need to think for them, to make the decision to not share anything you don't want spread around. The same goes for your parents. You also need to listen, to hear what is coming back. And I would suggest - share with your parents what it is you hear coming back, via the legal system. For example, if you share that you and husband are very happy together, and thrilled about the baby, you might hear from DEX's lawyers that he is concerned that you are too engrossed in your new relationship to pay attention to difficult child, who is now suffering from emotional neglect. This is not necessarily what your parents would have shared, but it IS what a disgruntled ex would do with the positive information you shared. It's likely that your parents would be horrified to discover that the ex-sister in law they want to stay in touch with is abusing that relationship to hurt you. But they won't believe it until you can prove it by showing them what he's doing with the info. Marg [/QUOTE]
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