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Substance Abuse
petrified for 23yo son..
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 677106" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>One thing I will mention, since you worry he will call "actively suicidal" and you will "miss the opportunity to talk him down":</p><p></p><p>I learned the hard way I am a "rescuer." I like to try to "fix" things and "make it right," or "set things straight." A therapist told me, "You have taught your daughter how to manipulate you. She knows exactly what to say to spring you into action. Stop being predictable." It was a sobering thought. She had me trained like Pavlov's dog and I came running to save her every time she cried "wolf!"</p><p></p><p>When I first began to detach, quit feeding in, jumping at the chance to "help," it confused her. I quit being "immediately available" and became unpredictable in when I would answer the phone/text, call/text back, go see her, etc. And she ramped it up - trying harder and harder to pull the strings that had always made her puppet dance. I didn't let it affect my responses to her, and it made it more and more clear the therapist was right - she knew exactly how to make this dummy dance and my feet are tired!</p><p></p><p>Since, she has become "sneakier" in her attempts to hoover or manipulate or get me upset. No matter what, I don't give it to her. I keep the same, bland, bored tone of, "well that's good," and "I know you will figure it out." She doesn't call nearly as much because I don't feed in and give her the responses she is looking for.</p><p></p><p>And to me, to "listen to my VM" sounds a little like that. Like he is "ramping up" the bet to get you upset and going - and it did. He may escalate a bit at first when you detach to try to reel you back in, but when you quit biting the bait, the calls will lessen and be less intense.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 677106, member: 19905"] One thing I will mention, since you worry he will call "actively suicidal" and you will "miss the opportunity to talk him down": I learned the hard way I am a "rescuer." I like to try to "fix" things and "make it right," or "set things straight." A therapist told me, "You have taught your daughter how to manipulate you. She knows exactly what to say to spring you into action. Stop being predictable." It was a sobering thought. She had me trained like Pavlov's dog and I came running to save her every time she cried "wolf!" When I first began to detach, quit feeding in, jumping at the chance to "help," it confused her. I quit being "immediately available" and became unpredictable in when I would answer the phone/text, call/text back, go see her, etc. And she ramped it up - trying harder and harder to pull the strings that had always made her puppet dance. I didn't let it affect my responses to her, and it made it more and more clear the therapist was right - she knew exactly how to make this dummy dance and my feet are tired! Since, she has become "sneakier" in her attempts to hoover or manipulate or get me upset. No matter what, I don't give it to her. I keep the same, bland, bored tone of, "well that's good," and "I know you will figure it out." She doesn't call nearly as much because I don't feed in and give her the responses she is looking for. And to me, to "listen to my VM" sounds a little like that. Like he is "ramping up" the bet to get you upset and going - and it did. He may escalate a bit at first when you detach to try to reel you back in, but when you quit biting the bait, the calls will lessen and be less intense. [/QUOTE]
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