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Substance Abuse
petrified for 23yo son..
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 677182" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi again TL and rebel</p><p></p><p>You have guts, TL. I have not seen my son since early September. I am afraid to. It is easier for me to keep distance. It feels unnatural but I feel so much better. My health is worlds better, physical and emotional.</p><p></p><p>I feel guilt, like something is wrong with me. But my body must know it is for the best. I was able to stop eating Prilosec day and night. Now a pill every few days. That is a change that is hard to ignore.</p><p>I see it for myself as I have my life, and he has his. That it was wrong of me to impose my own hopes onto him, even my hope that he would live, take seriously his treatment for his illness. That was when I really started feeling stronger and better, when I accepted that he controlled whether he lived or died. And that I had not a thing to say in the matter.</p><p></p><p>I am now trying to nurse my own hope for myself. Instead of feeling as if my life depends upon him or anything that he does or does not do. Even live or die. </p><p></p><p>I can imagine how horrible that sounds to somebody reading this.</p><p></p><p>Believe me, I am not indifferent to whether my son lives or dies. I just realized finally that I cannot control it. No matter how I tried to protect him, to try to protect his life, it meant nothing--if he did not value his own life and learn to take steps to protect it. Just like I have to do with my own. To sacrifice my own life and health is not love. I realized that. It took a long time.</p><p></p><p>I think my bottom came when I went by train with him to the Big City a few hours from here where he sees his physician at a University teaching hospital. I went to make sure he actually went to the appointment. The train was a few hours late. I was frantic. I was so ill by then, I could not board the underground train. I went to a coffee shop and told him to go alone, so as to do what he could to salvage the trip. He left, returning after 45 minutes, saying there had been a fight on the streetcar and he could not go to the hospital. A 12 hour trip for not one thing.</p><p></p><p>I had joined CD after I had enrolled in his online college courses to see that he completed his homework assignments. I was bad. Real, real bad. Look how far I have come. It is amazing. This should never, ever happen, rebel. My son would yell at me too. He treated me like dirt. He gossiped about me to neighbors. He would call the police on us to get us arrested and thrown in jail. He gave my significant other a black eye.</p><p></p><p>My son was a sweet child, and beneath this all, I believe still is a kind person. He is my only child. I raised him alone. He is the moon and stars of my life. I descended to the depths to not lose him until I realized that it was all about me. My son was no longer my child anymore, he was an adult. His life was his own. He was my son. No longer my child.</p><p></p><p>I had to do whatever it took to get us back to a place where there was civility and at least the appearance of respect. That was my bottom line. Is my bottom line. I would not speak with him on the phone if he could not maintain civility.</p><p></p><p>I told him that. If you speak to me with disrespect I will say goodbye and end the call. I did.</p><p></p><p>I am proud of myself. It is not that I no longer care. It is that I care for myself, too.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 677182, member: 18958"] Hi again TL and rebel You have guts, TL. I have not seen my son since early September. I am afraid to. It is easier for me to keep distance. It feels unnatural but I feel so much better. My health is worlds better, physical and emotional. I feel guilt, like something is wrong with me. But my body must know it is for the best. I was able to stop eating Prilosec day and night. Now a pill every few days. That is a change that is hard to ignore. I see it for myself as I have my life, and he has his. That it was wrong of me to impose my own hopes onto him, even my hope that he would live, take seriously his treatment for his illness. That was when I really started feeling stronger and better, when I accepted that he controlled whether he lived or died. And that I had not a thing to say in the matter. I am now trying to nurse my own hope for myself. Instead of feeling as if my life depends upon him or anything that he does or does not do. Even live or die. I can imagine how horrible that sounds to somebody reading this. Believe me, I am not indifferent to whether my son lives or dies. I just realized finally that I cannot control it. No matter how I tried to protect him, to try to protect his life, it meant nothing--if he did not value his own life and learn to take steps to protect it. Just like I have to do with my own. To sacrifice my own life and health is not love. I realized that. It took a long time. I think my bottom came when I went by train with him to the Big City a few hours from here where he sees his physician at a University teaching hospital. I went to make sure he actually went to the appointment. The train was a few hours late. I was frantic. I was so ill by then, I could not board the underground train. I went to a coffee shop and told him to go alone, so as to do what he could to salvage the trip. He left, returning after 45 minutes, saying there had been a fight on the streetcar and he could not go to the hospital. A 12 hour trip for not one thing. I had joined CD after I had enrolled in his online college courses to see that he completed his homework assignments. I was bad. Real, real bad. Look how far I have come. It is amazing. This should never, ever happen, rebel. My son would yell at me too. He treated me like dirt. He gossiped about me to neighbors. He would call the police on us to get us arrested and thrown in jail. He gave my significant other a black eye. My son was a sweet child, and beneath this all, I believe still is a kind person. He is my only child. I raised him alone. He is the moon and stars of my life. I descended to the depths to not lose him until I realized that it was all about me. My son was no longer my child anymore, he was an adult. His life was his own. He was my son. No longer my child. I had to do whatever it took to get us back to a place where there was civility and at least the appearance of respect. That was my bottom line. Is my bottom line. I would not speak with him on the phone if he could not maintain civility. I told him that. If you speak to me with disrespect I will say goodbye and end the call. I did. I am proud of myself. It is not that I no longer care. It is that I care for myself, too. COPA [/QUOTE]
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