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phone call from teacher........
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 197245" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jennifer, this is a curly one. You have been so happy about this teacher, she's been what so many of us would want for our child - but in the process of you establishing such a good rapport, this teacher has now begun taking the parent-teacher relationship to personal levels. That is only a problem if YOU feel it is a problem.</p><p></p><p>For example - we live in a small village. We generally know each other well. Even before I had kids at this school, I was on first name basis with a number of the teachers and we attended various events at the local school. As a result, relationships are subtly different. Not always a good thing. However, it does mean that rules get bent.</p><p></p><p>However - some rules should never be bent. If I talk to my best friend about my concerns for difficult child 3 and she then talks to her boyfriend (a health professional) about it, I will put up with it (unless I specifically asked her not to) because pillow talk is not the same as professional consultation. If I then get feedback from my best friend's boyfriend that my doctor must be an idiot for wanting to do whatever-it-is with difficult child 3, I accept that this is NOT a solicited professional opinion, although it might give me something to think about - it is just a friend expressing a partly qualified medical opinion. However, it has been made WITHOUT the benefit of a proper medical consult - the teacher's pharmacist husband, for example, did not talk to you directly. He's only heard the classroom presentation, he hasn't heard about how the child is at home, except second-hand via the teacher.</p><p></p><p>On the one hand, it's really good that she cares.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, not only has SHE overstepped the mark, but it sounds like so has her husband. However, the message came from her, not him (directly). </p><p></p><p>We had several things similar to this with difficult child 3. First - the pharmacist. In our case it was a locum, a bloke our main pharmacist was considering to take on board as a partner. The locum was filling a prescription for me for the dex for all three younger kids and as he handed it over, he told me about a herbal supplement that he was selling privately, as the agent. He was doing it this way as a form of direct marketing, a way to 'beat the system' with Australia's TGA (equivalent to FDA) regulations. THese are those kids of supplements only available by buying them form someone else, often cheaper if you buy lots and become a distributor yourself. Shonky. Even more shonky - a pharmacist who was telling me NOT to medicate my kids with what the doctor had prescribed, but who was instead advising me to dose my kids with the product HE sells, so he could make money at my expense. It's hardly an impartial recommendation! This locum was promoting this product because he and his wife had found it to be very helpful with their desperately ill daughter, recovering form very complex surgery. I was glad they had found something for their daughter but cranky to have him impose his personal prejudice onto me, when his motivation was also self-justification. I've also, since then, had his wife make remarks to me about parents who "drug their children into submission". I've talked about this separately.</p><p></p><p>With what happened to us - it was a clear, obvious breach of professional conduct so I told the pharmacist (shop owner) who asked me to put it in writing. I did - and the locum never got the partnership. He now works freelance, selling his herbal preparations.</p><p></p><p>Then we had the teacher interference also - in Year 5, difficult child 3's teacher that year was LOUDLY INSISTENT that difficult child 3 did NOT have anxiety or stress issues - the problem was physical, it had to be. She had long talks with me about this, shared her experience with one of her daughters who eventually was found to have food sensitivity issues. It sent us down the food sensitivity route which we explored thoroughly. And yes, after wasting most of a year investigating this (with difficult child 3 generally too ill to attend school) doctors finally broke through my own stubborn insistence (reinforced by this teacher) that the problem HAD to be physical - I had been too scared to go back and tell this teacher that we'd settled for stress and anxiety as the cause, until we'd thoroughly checked out all physical possibilities.</p><p></p><p>With the teacher in our case - it was a bit of "familiarity breeds contempt" because although we know each other well, we were not exactly best buddies. She was very professional in many other ways but we DO live in the same goldfish bowl which allowed her to take these liberties. While I found it annoying, and it did lead us up the garden path, at least it was a door to communication which was intended to help my son, I had to accept that. She really did care about him, was motivated by concern for his welfare. She shouldn't have said all that stuff, but it was the price I was prepared to pay, to have her as open and helpful in other ways. I did not make any complaints about this - it was my choice (or not) to take this on board.</p><p></p><p>With this particular teacher, Jennifer, I would be cautious about getting too upset (officially). Her husband may have remarked TO HER that he believed his herbal supplement would be worth a try. She, on the other hand, may have added her own emphasis onto the urgency to not take the medications. Maybe if he knew she had said what she did to you, he would be horrified.</p><p></p><p>I do think, however, you need to walk a fine line here. You need her support, you need her concern. It's because she DOES care this much, that she has been so useful to you. But she does need to be reminded that the parent is the one for whom the buck stops. It has to stop somewhere.</p><p></p><p>Something I would do (you choose - this could be a cultural difference again) - I would consider asking her to talk to the specialist who ordered the medications. Ask the specialist first, make it clear to both that this is a one-off (this does not give carte blanche for her to be ringing him all the time, or vice versa - you don't want to encourage teacher-doctor contact that doesn't go via you, as a rule). Let her hear it form the doctor direct. Also, it could be useful for the doctor to hear the teacher's observations.</p><p></p><p> And yes, a second opinion couldn't hurt. The teacher could be right. If you get a second opinion which reinforces the first, then this perhaps could assure her that you aren't making rash decisions here.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, morally you shouldn't have to do any of this. This teacher HAS crossed the line. But this happens all the time with the degree of involvement we often value, from the really good teachers.</p><p></p><p>I see this sort of thing all the time with our local teachers - the good teachers as well as the bad ones. It IS annoying, it IS unethical, but the flip side has been a much greater level of personal involvement, often to the benefit of the child.</p><p></p><p>As I said, a curly one.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 197245, member: 1991"] Jennifer, this is a curly one. You have been so happy about this teacher, she's been what so many of us would want for our child - but in the process of you establishing such a good rapport, this teacher has now begun taking the parent-teacher relationship to personal levels. That is only a problem if YOU feel it is a problem. For example - we live in a small village. We generally know each other well. Even before I had kids at this school, I was on first name basis with a number of the teachers and we attended various events at the local school. As a result, relationships are subtly different. Not always a good thing. However, it does mean that rules get bent. However - some rules should never be bent. If I talk to my best friend about my concerns for difficult child 3 and she then talks to her boyfriend (a health professional) about it, I will put up with it (unless I specifically asked her not to) because pillow talk is not the same as professional consultation. If I then get feedback from my best friend's boyfriend that my doctor must be an idiot for wanting to do whatever-it-is with difficult child 3, I accept that this is NOT a solicited professional opinion, although it might give me something to think about - it is just a friend expressing a partly qualified medical opinion. However, it has been made WITHOUT the benefit of a proper medical consult - the teacher's pharmacist husband, for example, did not talk to you directly. He's only heard the classroom presentation, he hasn't heard about how the child is at home, except second-hand via the teacher. On the one hand, it's really good that she cares. On the other hand, not only has SHE overstepped the mark, but it sounds like so has her husband. However, the message came from her, not him (directly). We had several things similar to this with difficult child 3. First - the pharmacist. In our case it was a locum, a bloke our main pharmacist was considering to take on board as a partner. The locum was filling a prescription for me for the dex for all three younger kids and as he handed it over, he told me about a herbal supplement that he was selling privately, as the agent. He was doing it this way as a form of direct marketing, a way to 'beat the system' with Australia's TGA (equivalent to FDA) regulations. THese are those kids of supplements only available by buying them form someone else, often cheaper if you buy lots and become a distributor yourself. Shonky. Even more shonky - a pharmacist who was telling me NOT to medicate my kids with what the doctor had prescribed, but who was instead advising me to dose my kids with the product HE sells, so he could make money at my expense. It's hardly an impartial recommendation! This locum was promoting this product because he and his wife had found it to be very helpful with their desperately ill daughter, recovering form very complex surgery. I was glad they had found something for their daughter but cranky to have him impose his personal prejudice onto me, when his motivation was also self-justification. I've also, since then, had his wife make remarks to me about parents who "drug their children into submission". I've talked about this separately. With what happened to us - it was a clear, obvious breach of professional conduct so I told the pharmacist (shop owner) who asked me to put it in writing. I did - and the locum never got the partnership. He now works freelance, selling his herbal preparations. Then we had the teacher interference also - in Year 5, difficult child 3's teacher that year was LOUDLY INSISTENT that difficult child 3 did NOT have anxiety or stress issues - the problem was physical, it had to be. She had long talks with me about this, shared her experience with one of her daughters who eventually was found to have food sensitivity issues. It sent us down the food sensitivity route which we explored thoroughly. And yes, after wasting most of a year investigating this (with difficult child 3 generally too ill to attend school) doctors finally broke through my own stubborn insistence (reinforced by this teacher) that the problem HAD to be physical - I had been too scared to go back and tell this teacher that we'd settled for stress and anxiety as the cause, until we'd thoroughly checked out all physical possibilities. With the teacher in our case - it was a bit of "familiarity breeds contempt" because although we know each other well, we were not exactly best buddies. She was very professional in many other ways but we DO live in the same goldfish bowl which allowed her to take these liberties. While I found it annoying, and it did lead us up the garden path, at least it was a door to communication which was intended to help my son, I had to accept that. She really did care about him, was motivated by concern for his welfare. She shouldn't have said all that stuff, but it was the price I was prepared to pay, to have her as open and helpful in other ways. I did not make any complaints about this - it was my choice (or not) to take this on board. With this particular teacher, Jennifer, I would be cautious about getting too upset (officially). Her husband may have remarked TO HER that he believed his herbal supplement would be worth a try. She, on the other hand, may have added her own emphasis onto the urgency to not take the medications. Maybe if he knew she had said what she did to you, he would be horrified. I do think, however, you need to walk a fine line here. You need her support, you need her concern. It's because she DOES care this much, that she has been so useful to you. But she does need to be reminded that the parent is the one for whom the buck stops. It has to stop somewhere. Something I would do (you choose - this could be a cultural difference again) - I would consider asking her to talk to the specialist who ordered the medications. Ask the specialist first, make it clear to both that this is a one-off (this does not give carte blanche for her to be ringing him all the time, or vice versa - you don't want to encourage teacher-doctor contact that doesn't go via you, as a rule). Let her hear it form the doctor direct. Also, it could be useful for the doctor to hear the teacher's observations. And yes, a second opinion couldn't hurt. The teacher could be right. If you get a second opinion which reinforces the first, then this perhaps could assure her that you aren't making rash decisions here. Mind you, morally you shouldn't have to do any of this. This teacher HAS crossed the line. But this happens all the time with the degree of involvement we often value, from the really good teachers. I see this sort of thing all the time with our local teachers - the good teachers as well as the bad ones. It IS annoying, it IS unethical, but the flip side has been a much greater level of personal involvement, often to the benefit of the child. As I said, a curly one. Marg [/QUOTE]
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