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Please Be Patient - Another Gfgbro/Family Question
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 442796" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I think at this point there is a harassment thing going on, even if not "to the letter of the law". He's been told clearly to stay away right? Yet he leaves "gifts" on a doorstep? He knows better, he knows where you stand. </p><p></p><p>Here's what I would do. I would sit down and write a short and to the point letter and have it witnessed/signed by someone outside the family. SOmething such as Attention: GFGBRO I have requested on numerous occasions that you have no contact with me, my husband and my children. By this I mean ALL contact (in person, via mail, electronically and leaving articles on my property). You continue to come to my property to leave articles and this is a clear violation of my request of no contact. This letter is to notify you in writing, as witnessed by XYZ (insert witness name) that this stands as final notice to you that you are clearly violating the request to stay away. Your continued attempts at contact, even via "gifts" left on my property, constitutes harassment. Should there be a single further incident I will contact XYZ police department and request their assistance in ensuring legal protections to keep you away from my home and myself and my family. Signed, Harassed Sister. I'd date it then and send it registered mail requiring a signature and be sure to get the copy of delivery for records. Even if police didn't charge him the first time you called following the letter if he violates your request, you can ask them to record it in their records and attend his house and notify him that this is a warning and a reminder by police that when someone says no contact, further contact DOES constitute harrassment. Police hate stuff like this but they hate it less when a person has put in writing notice to someone to stay away and warned already that police would be called. They usually attend the persons home and give them firm warning to stay away or face charges next time. It is time to be able to document to police if he does approach your home again.</p><p></p><p>As for mom, what a yucky situation. I get not wanting to cut your mother off. At the same time, it is a good point that she can not be naive to how much you and your husband and kids want him out of your life. I would tell her that you do NOT want this to come between you and HER. I would tell her as someone else mentioned, that the topic of him and his family are OFF the table with you but also with your children. Period. And that you will do as mentioned in the thread and leave if she brings it up and try another visit another time, but each time HE comes up, your visit has to end because she may WISH her children could "just get along" but that is NOT in the cards and this is not a issue you wish to revisit over and over. In your mind, case closed. </p><p></p><p>As for his daughter, that's always tough to know kids are in the cross hair. At the same time, this is a fact of life unfortunate as it is. You have to end gifting to your niece since it is obviously giving your bro permission in HIS mind to also gift in return. I can see it would be sad to not be able to send things to her and to let her know you care but the fact is, this is giving your bro an opening that you and your children do NOT want him having. If it really bothers you to think she'll think you no longer love her etc, just remember children grow up and then can better understand. How about getting her a saving bond once a year as a birthday/christmas gift and putting them away in a safe place until she's an adult. Once she's over 18 and not living at home, you could send them to her with a card or something saying you've done this for her all of these years because you DO love her and wanted to remember her at Christmas and birthday's and thought this a nice way to put a little something away for when she's college age. In the end, don't for a second think kids don't realize when family strife might be caused by their own parent. I bet she'll be more than aware as she grows older, if she isnt' already, that things with her dad forced you to not be in his life and therefore hers. Ultimately though, even if she is hurt, she has parents to cushion hurt. You have your kids and their hurt. Sadly, your kids needs to sever all remaining ties (gifting to the niece) have to trump a desire to show niece you haven't forgotten her. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, these situations stink don't they? I just had my gfgbro's oldest who is 21 now contact me after so many years of no contact. I severed all ties during the past christmas holidays with my bro, and that is the reason actually that my nephew was comfortable reaching out to me as his aunt. We don't discuss his father, we talk about ourselves and our lives and it's been great to be able to get to know him again since I haven't had the chance since he was 12 or so. He DOES remember how much I loved him and the gifts and reaching out when he was younger. He's not once thought about why I stopped doing those things. He KNEW it wasn't him, it was his father that was the problem. Kids are smart <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" />.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 442796, member: 4264"] I think at this point there is a harassment thing going on, even if not "to the letter of the law". He's been told clearly to stay away right? Yet he leaves "gifts" on a doorstep? He knows better, he knows where you stand. Here's what I would do. I would sit down and write a short and to the point letter and have it witnessed/signed by someone outside the family. SOmething such as Attention: GFGBRO I have requested on numerous occasions that you have no contact with me, my husband and my children. By this I mean ALL contact (in person, via mail, electronically and leaving articles on my property). You continue to come to my property to leave articles and this is a clear violation of my request of no contact. This letter is to notify you in writing, as witnessed by XYZ (insert witness name) that this stands as final notice to you that you are clearly violating the request to stay away. Your continued attempts at contact, even via "gifts" left on my property, constitutes harassment. Should there be a single further incident I will contact XYZ police department and request their assistance in ensuring legal protections to keep you away from my home and myself and my family. Signed, Harassed Sister. I'd date it then and send it registered mail requiring a signature and be sure to get the copy of delivery for records. Even if police didn't charge him the first time you called following the letter if he violates your request, you can ask them to record it in their records and attend his house and notify him that this is a warning and a reminder by police that when someone says no contact, further contact DOES constitute harrassment. Police hate stuff like this but they hate it less when a person has put in writing notice to someone to stay away and warned already that police would be called. They usually attend the persons home and give them firm warning to stay away or face charges next time. It is time to be able to document to police if he does approach your home again. As for mom, what a yucky situation. I get not wanting to cut your mother off. At the same time, it is a good point that she can not be naive to how much you and your husband and kids want him out of your life. I would tell her that you do NOT want this to come between you and HER. I would tell her as someone else mentioned, that the topic of him and his family are OFF the table with you but also with your children. Period. And that you will do as mentioned in the thread and leave if she brings it up and try another visit another time, but each time HE comes up, your visit has to end because she may WISH her children could "just get along" but that is NOT in the cards and this is not a issue you wish to revisit over and over. In your mind, case closed. As for his daughter, that's always tough to know kids are in the cross hair. At the same time, this is a fact of life unfortunate as it is. You have to end gifting to your niece since it is obviously giving your bro permission in HIS mind to also gift in return. I can see it would be sad to not be able to send things to her and to let her know you care but the fact is, this is giving your bro an opening that you and your children do NOT want him having. If it really bothers you to think she'll think you no longer love her etc, just remember children grow up and then can better understand. How about getting her a saving bond once a year as a birthday/christmas gift and putting them away in a safe place until she's an adult. Once she's over 18 and not living at home, you could send them to her with a card or something saying you've done this for her all of these years because you DO love her and wanted to remember her at Christmas and birthday's and thought this a nice way to put a little something away for when she's college age. In the end, don't for a second think kids don't realize when family strife might be caused by their own parent. I bet she'll be more than aware as she grows older, if she isnt' already, that things with her dad forced you to not be in his life and therefore hers. Ultimately though, even if she is hurt, she has parents to cushion hurt. You have your kids and their hurt. Sadly, your kids needs to sever all remaining ties (gifting to the niece) have to trump a desire to show niece you haven't forgotten her. Hang in there, these situations stink don't they? I just had my gfgbro's oldest who is 21 now contact me after so many years of no contact. I severed all ties during the past christmas holidays with my bro, and that is the reason actually that my nephew was comfortable reaching out to me as his aunt. We don't discuss his father, we talk about ourselves and our lives and it's been great to be able to get to know him again since I haven't had the chance since he was 12 or so. He DOES remember how much I loved him and the gifts and reaching out when he was younger. He's not once thought about why I stopped doing those things. He KNEW it wasn't him, it was his father that was the problem. Kids are smart ;). [/QUOTE]
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