I can't help much with the formal stuff for the IEP, but for both of you, Sickntired and tycjcj, I have some BIG suggestions.
You kids are stubborn and/or disrespectful - you can use this. Once you can get them to value themselves and their work, that very stubbornness WILL work to keep them going.
Getting them there - you have huge hurdles. So did we - we have at least partly overcome them.
Home-schooling was our last resort. At least it was possible for us. But it has worked, with the following methods (which can be modified to suit your situation):
1) Get "The Explosive Child" and really get into it. This is the start, to help you harness the stubbornness.
2) Teach respect, by showing respect. It's not easy. But do your utmost to NOT fall into the "because I said so, that's why" mould. It's not working, and for some kids it makes them worse. Would you say it to an adult house-mate? If you really think about it, a lot of the rules we try to teach our kids (I mean the really useful stuff) is based on teaching them to respect those around them. Courtesy rules, the sort they will need when they leave home and have to get on with other people. Things like house rules ("whose turn is it to wash up tonight? Whose turn to cook? To do the laundry?"). We compromise with each other - "You run the bath for me, while I peel the potatoes. Alternatively, you take over the potato peeling while I run the bath."
Rules like telling each other where you are going and when. If hikers are required to let people know where they are going and when they are expected back, then it is good practice to do the same. It's not an adult-child inequality thing because in our family, the adults tell the kids the same things. "OK son, I'm going to the shops. Is there anything we need? I will be back in half an hour."
It's letting the cook know whether you will be home for dinner, and it's the cook choosing to cook something you really like.
If the child-parent inequity is not working for you, then begin to teach him to work as a team with the things that need to be done - "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." It takes time to get it started, because the kids are so used to automatic defiance and opposition. But if you refuse to react to their hostility with anything but firm politeness ("I'm not shouting at you; why are you shouting at me?") then you can totally take the wind out of the sails of a tantrum. The book helps here, too.
3) Set up house rules. Our best one was "school work during school hours." Even if the kid was sick and running a fever, I gave them SOMETHING school-ish to do. Watch an educational DVD; play an educational computer game; do all the outstanding worksheets; get an assignment done early. If the kid fell asleep reading a book or watching a DVD that was OK (and an indication the kid was genuinely sick, not just having an anxiety attack or 'plumbopendulitis' aka swinging the lead). Really encourage him for doing the work - at first he needs your encouragement because he is in an academic vacuum when it comes to anyone helping him feel good about schoolwork. But the more you can make him feel good for doing it, the more likely he is to do it (and use that stubbornness to get it right). If he hates school because he hates the teacher (who says he's hopeless) then make up a big sign and stick it behind the toilet door (a great place for anything you need to reinforce) that says, "Success is the best revenge." Failing, just to prove a bad teacher right, is the worst outcome. Being able to teach him to visualise walking up to that teacher in years to come and saying, "Since I learned to ignore the negativity you tried to instil in me, I have made a success of my life and now earn $200,000 a year." And telling the truth.
There are more tricks here, to get a kid working. You can have them race the clock. You can say, "If you genuinely work solidly, you can take a break after fifteen minutes." This only works outside school hours, for homework. ANd if they DID work solidly, there should be a surprising amount to show for it. "See? You got more done than you thought. And that was only fifteen minutes. Now go watch that half hour sitcom, and come back for another fifteen minutes." What works for me during school hours - "If you keep working on your schoolwork, I'll go make you a big bowl of popcorn, you can eat it while you're working." Or, "If you finish this amount of work, I will let you eat your lunch while watching that detective show you like." (Of course, I usually keep him working until he takes his lunch break late, so if he doesn't get back to schoolwork it doesn't matter. Besides, he's full up with popcorn, he can afford a late lunch).
I happily bribe him - if he completes a prearranged amount of work, he gets a prearranged treat (which is best if it's fun time with me, such as playing a game together after school on whatever game console we have).
4) Observe your child and what they know, as well as what they don't know. Try and find ways to fill the cracks in their knowledge, either by coaching or focussing on that area in home schooling. If he really is struggling due to his disability, here is where you help him find other ways to either do it, or find another option.
5) The big one - catch him out doing something good, and praise him for it. As far as possible, ignore the negative behaviour. That doesn't mean let him win - just walk away. If you make a mistake, apologise (that is also part of respect and teaching respect).
A lot of this will involve re-thinking your methods, often having to think outside the square. You need to be inventive, imaginative and adventurous. But if you can, share this with your child so he learns that sometimes you don't have to beat your head against a brick wall - sometimes if you take a couple of steps back, you can see a doorway, just over there...
This works best if you can home-school, because then YOU control his environment. There's no accusation that he didn't do any work, because you know. And YOU'RE handling it.
difficult child 3 still has days when he can't settle to work. Now he's in more control of his stubbornness, he is more angry with himself over these days, than I am with him. And when he has a productive day, he is so happy with himself that it keeps reinforcing his rediscovered work ethic. Having me give him a few high-fives doesn't hurt.
Parenting like this is intensive and sometimes very consuming, but I figure the more I can do now, the better the investment in his future and the less I'll need to worry about him. I want him to do well enough to leave home and earn a seven figure salary, so he can keep me in the luxury to which I'd like to become accustomed. Failing that, I'd like him to not need me so much later on.
Marg
