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PLEASE help me with our 12 year old son!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 598887" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. </p><p></p><p>I lived with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid that we adopted. He does sound like one. Has he ever been cruel to animals in your sight? Play with fire? Poop or pee inappropriately? Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids are very sneaky and could act like he loves the dog then kill it (ours did). As for the threat of sexual abuse, it's real. I'd put an alarm on his door at night so it alerts you every time he leaves the room so you can get up and watch him while he goes to and from the bathroom and not into the girl's room. He may not remember being sexually abused even if it happened. It's common for the kids/adults to have no memory at all (the mind works to protect) yet act out because somewhere in there, the mind knows. </p><p></p><p>My advice from having been in the trenches with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is to not adopt him. You don't WANT to adopt him because it won't help him. His first four years of life, when he had no stability and faced constant moving around and abuse or neglect, was when he needed help, and for whatever reason your hubby was not willing or able to protect him and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is very difficult to overcome. He has never been in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapy and it's controversial at best.If his mom drank or did drugs during her pregnancy, well, then you have additional issues where he possibly has brain damage that affects his behavior. </p><p></p><p>Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) gets worse, not better and does turn into antisocial personality disorder and you are in for a hard four years if you decide to keep him at home rather th an putting him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). These kids learn in their first three years of life that there is nobody to depend on but themselves, therefore they develop a very strong sense of "nobody matters but myself." That's why they have no empathy. Others become a means to an end. They turn into "bad" people, but it is really because they were never shown love and nurture and consistency when their brains were developing as infants and toddlers and your love will not help. Often they don't want love or act worse when it is shown them or else just use it to get material possessions. They can end up being dangerous to more vulnerable children and even to their adult caregivers. Been there/done that. He sounds pretty severe too. There are levels of attachment disorder.</p><p></p><p>Our son was officially removed from our house forever when, after killing two of our dogs and probably numerous neighborhood animals all with a smile on his face, we found out he'd been sexually abusing our two very young children. We were shocked. We didn't even think that he thought about sex. You don't want this story to become yours. Be vigilant as long as this child is living with you. Don't ever leave him alone with your girls. If you have pets, same thing. Because he is talking inappropriately about sex to little kids, which is far from normal, it wouldn't surprise me if he has at least already shown your daughter his equipment or worse. He is a ticking time bomb.</p><p></p><p>Deliberately trying to hurt you while you were pregnant is both alarming in it's coldness and typical of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). He is unsafe.</p><p></p><p>Can you tell us more about his first four years? Not that it matters at this late date.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry I couldn't be more optimistic. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not something that I'd ever deal with again. He is already twelve. I hope he has not touched your five year old daughter. </p><p></p><p>I wish I could paint a brighter picture, but th e fact is, with how he developed and how he is progressing in behaviors, you are going to need to treat your house like a residential treatment center. Wouldn't hurt to have cameras in th e house too to see if he is stealing or what else he may be doing when you can't see him. Also, this is additional safety for your kids. We did this before we know about the sexual abuse, but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son busted the camera. He didn't say HE busted the camera and my kids were too afraid of him to tattle on him, but the kids did tell on him after he was gone...and ONLY after he was gone.</p><p></p><p>My advice is to parent him from a residential treatment center. Sounds like he's going to start false allegations of abuse. What if CPS believes him? Then you could lose your other two kids. Matter of time before he starts saying you sexually abuse him and then you're in a REAL mess. This kid is trying really hard to get you into trouble and HE KNOWS IT AND WANTS IT. It's not worth it. These kids are great at false allegations. Don't let this one kid destroy your life and family.</p><p></p><p>Ok, that's my advice. I'm done. I wish you the best. This is NOT easy. Nobody wants to leave a child hanging in the wind and our Mommy hearts tell us all they need is to be loved and understood...at least mine did.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 598887, member: 1550"] Hi there. I lived with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid that we adopted. He does sound like one. Has he ever been cruel to animals in your sight? Play with fire? Poop or pee inappropriately? Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids are very sneaky and could act like he loves the dog then kill it (ours did). As for the threat of sexual abuse, it's real. I'd put an alarm on his door at night so it alerts you every time he leaves the room so you can get up and watch him while he goes to and from the bathroom and not into the girl's room. He may not remember being sexually abused even if it happened. It's common for the kids/adults to have no memory at all (the mind works to protect) yet act out because somewhere in there, the mind knows. My advice from having been in the trenches with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is to not adopt him. You don't WANT to adopt him because it won't help him. His first four years of life, when he had no stability and faced constant moving around and abuse or neglect, was when he needed help, and for whatever reason your hubby was not willing or able to protect him and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is very difficult to overcome. He has never been in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapy and it's controversial at best.If his mom drank or did drugs during her pregnancy, well, then you have additional issues where he possibly has brain damage that affects his behavior. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) gets worse, not better and does turn into antisocial personality disorder and you are in for a hard four years if you decide to keep him at home rather th an putting him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). These kids learn in their first three years of life that there is nobody to depend on but themselves, therefore they develop a very strong sense of "nobody matters but myself." That's why they have no empathy. Others become a means to an end. They turn into "bad" people, but it is really because they were never shown love and nurture and consistency when their brains were developing as infants and toddlers and your love will not help. Often they don't want love or act worse when it is shown them or else just use it to get material possessions. They can end up being dangerous to more vulnerable children and even to their adult caregivers. Been there/done that. He sounds pretty severe too. There are levels of attachment disorder. Our son was officially removed from our house forever when, after killing two of our dogs and probably numerous neighborhood animals all with a smile on his face, we found out he'd been sexually abusing our two very young children. We were shocked. We didn't even think that he thought about sex. You don't want this story to become yours. Be vigilant as long as this child is living with you. Don't ever leave him alone with your girls. If you have pets, same thing. Because he is talking inappropriately about sex to little kids, which is far from normal, it wouldn't surprise me if he has at least already shown your daughter his equipment or worse. He is a ticking time bomb. Deliberately trying to hurt you while you were pregnant is both alarming in it's coldness and typical of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). He is unsafe. Can you tell us more about his first four years? Not that it matters at this late date. I'm sorry I couldn't be more optimistic. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not something that I'd ever deal with again. He is already twelve. I hope he has not touched your five year old daughter. I wish I could paint a brighter picture, but th e fact is, with how he developed and how he is progressing in behaviors, you are going to need to treat your house like a residential treatment center. Wouldn't hurt to have cameras in th e house too to see if he is stealing or what else he may be doing when you can't see him. Also, this is additional safety for your kids. We did this before we know about the sexual abuse, but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son busted the camera. He didn't say HE busted the camera and my kids were too afraid of him to tattle on him, but the kids did tell on him after he was gone...and ONLY after he was gone. My advice is to parent him from a residential treatment center. Sounds like he's going to start false allegations of abuse. What if CPS believes him? Then you could lose your other two kids. Matter of time before he starts saying you sexually abuse him and then you're in a REAL mess. This kid is trying really hard to get you into trouble and HE KNOWS IT AND WANTS IT. It's not worth it. These kids are great at false allegations. Don't let this one kid destroy your life and family. Ok, that's my advice. I'm done. I wish you the best. This is NOT easy. Nobody wants to leave a child hanging in the wind and our Mommy hearts tell us all they need is to be loved and understood...at least mine did. [/QUOTE]
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