PLEASE help me with our 12 year old son!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nikiani, Jun 19, 2013.

  1. nikiani

    nikiani New Member

    I am new here and seriously need some help with our 12 year old son...I will try to keep it short and sweet. I just see so many parents and people out here who seem to be dealing with a lot of the same issues if not more serious. I may lose my mind soon though! We are so very concerned about our 12 year old son Ian. Ian is in therapy and while he can't be diagnosed until he is 18, he is showing and has been for years, clear signs of antisocial personality disorder (fits almost every sign possible at his age) and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) along with Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) I am not Ians biological mother but have raised him since he was 4. His mother is not in the picture but has serious personality issues ie: mood disorders, bipolar,etc. Ians bio mom was ordered to have supervised visits years ago and while her parents agreed to do that, they only agreed for a very short amount of time until they thought it was best that she had no contact with Ian either. While we thought everything was okay on that end, Ian's father and I believe that while spending time with the bio moms parents, Ians uncle who is only a couple years older, may have been sexually abusing Ian in some way. We have never been able to get anywhere with this....and aren't sure how to pursue it but have made his therapist aware of it. Ians father and I have 2 additional children now. 17 months old & 5 weeks old. We are seriously worried about him even being around the little girls alone & I am truly scared that he is going to hurt one of them or myself....intentional or unintentional. He has no empathy for anyone and is a verbal bully to everyone. He doesn't care who he hurts as long as in his mind he believes it will somehow benefit him. He is a master manipulator and liar. He has been kicked off the bus and had 20 infractions in school within the last 2 months. His father and I are dreading the upcoming summer vacation as we have no clue what to do with him all summer. We have tried so much with this child and are at our wits end.. I only say the diagnosis can't be made until he's 18 because from what I've been told by various people is that it's only classified as "conduct disorder" until he is an adult. I am unable to adopt Ian due to the fact that his mother refuses to sign her rights away and in the last 2 years has decided that she would like to play mom again. We have been in and out of court with that and Ian wants nothing to do with her. The court also agrees that any contact with the bio mom would be harmful to Ian. I would adopt him if I was able to! Ian's father does and always has worked full time and I am a stay at home mom. The problems with Ian started off many years ago and are rapidly progressing to a very disturbing state. We have tried so very many things with him. Private school, home school, school with a licensed teacher one on one...etc. I finally had to put him in public school this spring because I was having so many Braxton Hicks contractions trying to deal with Ian on a day to day basis and my doctor was very concerned about an early delivery because of stress. He was kicked off of the bus after many inappropriate comments to younger children in reference to his private parts. He also told the bus driver that the Bible gave him an excuse to use foul language. He has also been telling students and teachers at school some very disturbing things like " I can't turn in my homework because I had to stay up all nite watching my 2 sisters because my parents refuse to watch them". The newest one is that "my mom and dad beat me with steel rods" And he is banned from a field trip tomorrow due to his infractions but he told the class that it was my fault because I didn't turn in his permission slip. He refuses to take responsibility for anything and continually tries to lie his way thru life. We have a very structured and loving home and Ian was not raised this's beyond frustrating! While I was pregnant, he purposely put a bunch of coconut oil in the bathtub after being told not to touch it and why....I didn't know he did and got into the shower and completely wiped out . He showed no emotions over this ....being that I was hurt and the baby could have seriously been hurt too. We also found out that Ian took an inappropriate DVD and condom to school and was showing it off. He also was bullying a 4th grader into giving him the childs IPOD daily and bringing Ian sodas to keep in his locker every day. Just to give you a small glimpse into our daily life...I thank you for your continued prayers and am open to any suggestions you might have! God Bless :)
  2. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I can't post in depth right now but just wanted to welcome you and offer my understanding and support. ((Hugs))

    Others will be along soon.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Oh my dear. Welcome.
    As we say around here, glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

    He's twelve... and it sounds like the first 4 years of his life were "problematic".
    Do you have more details about those years? Was he abused, neglected, shuffled around?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I lived with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid that we adopted. He does sound like one. Has he ever been cruel to animals in your sight? Play with fire? Poop or pee inappropriately? Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids are very sneaky and could act like he loves the dog then kill it (ours did). As for the threat of sexual abuse, it's real. I'd put an alarm on his door at night so it alerts you every time he leaves the room so you can get up and watch him while he goes to and from the bathroom and not into the girl's room. He may not remember being sexually abused even if it happened. It's common for the kids/adults to have no memory at all (the mind works to protect) yet act out because somewhere in there, the mind knows.

    My advice from having been in the trenches with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is to not adopt him. You don't WANT to adopt him because it won't help him. His first four years of life, when he had no stability and faced constant moving around and abuse or neglect, was when he needed help, and for whatever reason your hubby was not willing or able to protect him and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is very difficult to overcome. He has never been in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapy and it's controversial at best.If his mom drank or did drugs during her pregnancy, well, then you have additional issues where he possibly has brain damage that affects his behavior.

    Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) gets worse, not better and does turn into antisocial personality disorder and you are in for a hard four years if you decide to keep him at home rather th an putting him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). These kids learn in their first three years of life that there is nobody to depend on but themselves, therefore they develop a very strong sense of "nobody matters but myself." That's why they have no empathy. Others become a means to an end. They turn into "bad" people, but it is really because they were never shown love and nurture and consistency when their brains were developing as infants and toddlers and your love will not help. Often they don't want love or act worse when it is shown them or else just use it to get material possessions. They can end up being dangerous to more vulnerable children and even to their adult caregivers. Been there/done that. He sounds pretty severe too. There are levels of attachment disorder.

    Our son was officially removed from our house forever when, after killing two of our dogs and probably numerous neighborhood animals all with a smile on his face, we found out he'd been sexually abusing our two very young children. We were shocked. We didn't even think that he thought about sex. You don't want this story to become yours. Be vigilant as long as this child is living with you. Don't ever leave him alone with your girls. If you have pets, same thing. Because he is talking inappropriately about sex to little kids, which is far from normal, it wouldn't surprise me if he has at least already shown your daughter his equipment or worse. He is a ticking time bomb.

    Deliberately trying to hurt you while you were pregnant is both alarming in it's coldness and typical of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). He is unsafe.

    Can you tell us more about his first four years? Not that it matters at this late date.

    I'm sorry I couldn't be more optimistic. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not something that I'd ever deal with again. He is already twelve. I hope he has not touched your five year old daughter.

    I wish I could paint a brighter picture, but th e fact is, with how he developed and how he is progressing in behaviors, you are going to need to treat your house like a residential treatment center. Wouldn't hurt to have cameras in th e house too to see if he is stealing or what else he may be doing when you can't see him. Also, this is additional safety for your kids. We did this before we know about the sexual abuse, but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son busted the camera. He didn't say HE busted the camera and my kids were too afraid of him to tattle on him, but the kids did tell on him after he was gone...and ONLY after he was gone.

    My advice is to parent him from a residential treatment center. Sounds like he's going to start false allegations of abuse. What if CPS believes him? Then you could lose your other two kids. Matter of time before he starts saying you sexually abuse him and then you're in a REAL mess. This kid is trying really hard to get you into trouble and HE KNOWS IT AND WANTS IT. It's not worth it. These kids are great at false allegations. Don't let this one kid destroy your life and family.

    Ok, that's my advice. I'm done. I wish you the best. This is NOT easy. Nobody wants to leave a child hanging in the wind and our Mommy hearts tell us all they need is to be loved and least mine did.
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2013
  5. nikiani

    nikiani New Member

    Thank you Thank you Thank you for all of your kind words and support...I am crying right now because I know everything that was said is absolutely true about Ian. We are trying to step back and view this from other parents eyes. As for Ians first 4 years....and I apologize I didn't get into any of this earlier...We are pretty confident that his mother drank and possibly did drugs. After Ians first year, My husband realized there was a problem with his wife and took Ian out of the situation and divorced her. So actually, the contact with her really diminished at age 1. My husband would come home from work and find Ian in the same diaper that he'd been wearing all day. Sarah ( the bio mom ) would leave him in his crib for extended periods of time and leave him scream. My husband wasn't aware of a lot of these things but when he did find out, he did the absolute best he could as an almost single father. So, Ian was in daycare and also babysat by numerous people including Sarahs parents. As for problems with animals, Ian acts very loving towards them but we are worried about what he does to them when nobody is looking. Our wonderful dog who we adopted 4 years ago has suddenly started to run away from Ian and not listen to him whatsoever. Our dog does not want to sleep in Ians room anymore either. Ian has also had 2 passed away a couple years ago and he has "accidentally" squeezed the remaining ones neck until she choked. He did bawl over this. I don't know how real those emotions actually were...He also got sick of taking care of her and suggested that we "kill her in a nice way". I do have a baby video monitor in my girls room. I also have audio monitors in the other rooms. He is going to be starting a program called the "wraparound program" as a step to who knows what! Do any of you have info on the treatment centers? MidwestMom, I APPRECIATE all of the info you took the time to type out for me and I really have taken it to heart. I know something needs to be done and I'm trying to figure out all of the right steps and ways to deal with this most difficult and confusing situation. I have thought too about his abuse allegations and as he gets older and more creative with the accusations, I can't even possibly think of the nightmare of dealing with that and then possibly losing our other beautiful children. My thought is treatment center, boarding school, military school....etc. The problem being that they are so expensive....We wiped out our savings from fighting in court with bio mom for the last 2 years to protect Ian...Cost us close to $20,000....part of this was also a loan we had to take out so we can't possibly afford thousands more.....I'm sorry if I am just rambling on and on but I feel like I have so much to say and thank you again for all of the comments! :)
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Has he ever been through a comprehensive evaluation?
    Some of the behaviours and attitudes may come from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)... or from something like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). Or, both, or that plus something else...
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just am stopping off at home and will tell you more later.

    Certainly your son is squeezing the animals. KEEP THEM AWAY FROM HIM. Our son acted loving toward our pets...then he killed them. That's as far as I got because I have to go, but in my opinion this kid has the background of a kid who typically gets Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)...and it can't be changed or helped. I'd skip the evaluation with a kid who is this dangerous. in my opinion he needs to be out of the house so he doesn't kill your animals or, worse, abuse your kids or get CPS to beieve you are a c hild abuser. If necessary, take your other kids and leave until your husband can make arrangements for I. to live elsewhere. He is not going to get any better. Save your daughters. This c hild's early years ruined his chances of being normal and the drug and alcohol use during pregnancy made things even worse.

    I have to run, but this is a very scary kid. You probably don't even know half of what he is doing. These kids tend to act very good in front of adults!!!! Don't let him fool you!!!! Save your daughters. And yourself.
  8. I know Midwest Mom means well (and she's dealt with a level of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) more severe than I have!) but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around abandoning a twelve year old as a lost cause so quickly. I'd like to hear more first. We all come here to air frustrations and immediately share the worst with people whom we hope may actually understand because nobody else seems to.

    What age was Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) diagnosis'd? What medications, if any, is your son taking? Have you done any sort of therapy? If so, did therapy help or make things worse?
  9. nikiani

    nikiani New Member

    I definitely do not want to write him off and we are trying desperately to do everything possible to help and understand him but keeping him under EXTREMELY close watch....He went through 6 hours of neuropsychologist and behavioural testing 3 months ago and I am fighting nonstop with the clinic to get the results. He at this time has not been diagnosed with anything as we just started weekly therapy about 2 months back. The therapist is thinking Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ODD, and antisocial personality disorder but wants to see the results of the testing to help her better determine her diagnosis. He was diagnosed about 4-5 years ago with ADHD, but I believe it was a misdiagnosis and he has not been on any medication for close to a year now as it was not helping whatsoever in any way. Just to comment more on his personality, he is PERFECT and WONDERFUL around adults....I get comments and compliments from complete strangers every day on "what a wonderful boy" he is. He can flip a switch and put on his "good boy" face and attitude and within seconds, walk in the door and create complete chaos in our home without having to hardly do anything at all. Our dogs ONLY bark when he is in the other room alone with drives me insane. He was obsessed with changing our daughters diaper when she was small and still is to this scares me. We have taken a lot of measures to make sure that he has nothing to do with her naked or diaper changing etc. Like was mentioned, I'm so glad I found this place to get ideas and empathize with others...nobody else understands when you even mention the slightest thing about the "wonderful boy" Ian....My typical comment has been..."try living with him 24/7" And of course, I'm sure you have all heard the "oh that's just normal kid behaviour"....Thank you all again for letting me be blunt, open and honest...It means a lot!
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nikiani, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids tend to charm other adults. Ours did. The fact is, having him live away from home is not giving up on him. I personally could not handle the kid we adopted after I found out he had sex with my five year old.And by having sex, I mean he had sex. He didn't just molest her. He killed two dogs and tried to blame others and cried too (probably fake tears). He held a knife to their throats and made them have sex with him and with each other. I am not sure your child hasn't abused your daughter. He is obsessed with sex already and it is not normal to talk about sex to very small kids. This is a kid waiting to become a psychopath and he should not live with you or your girls. You can parent him while he lives away from home...many of us have to do that. A twelve year old boy is tall and strong and hormonal and sexual and, in his case, severely damaged. medications do not change the basic character of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids. There isn't really much proven help and it is way, way expensive and controversial.

    Before this child says you are sexually abusing him, an allegation that CPS *has* to take seriously and could have your other kids taken from both of you as well, and label you a sexual predator (or your husband) get him out of the house. Get him involved in social services and maybe they will pay. If he goes to a boarding school, for example, he is still a danger to the other kids he comes into contact with and you are legally responsible if you adopt him. I would not even consider it. Not if you value your two kids who have a chance at a normal life if this kid does not terrorize them. My kids were so scared of our kid t hat they didn't say anything about the things he did and he made them WATCH him strangle our dog. When a kid is thirteen and your other kids are seven and five, and that older kid is threatening to kill them and Mom and Dad if you dare to tell on him, the younger kids do get afraid to tell on him.

    If sending him away is giving up on him then that is my advice. In the end, he is probably going to end up a very dangerous man anyway. If he isn't, you can be pleasantly surprised...he will have beaten the odds...but right now he is a dangerous dangerous kid and, if you keep him in your house, you will probably regret it very much. He is trying very hard to get you into serious trouble. Don't be surprised if your dogs are dead one day and, of course, he didn't do it or know what happened and your younger kids are too scared to tell you the truth. And don't be surprised if you find out he has already been messing around with your five year old. I would ask her if he has ever touched her privates or shown her his or made her touch him. I'd be surprised if she said a strong "no." I hope I'm wrong, but I'll bet he has. As for the baby...she is helpless. He can touch her whenever he wants to when you are not looking.

    I wish you luck. This is a problem with no good solution other than to save the other kids, your own reputation, and the rest of your family. It is too bad you spent so much trying to get custody of him. In the end, he will probably run home to live with bio. mom anyway. Abuse permeated his important first three years. He accepts it and he dishes it out too. He knows other people think it is wrong, so he hides it the best he can, but HE doesn't really think it's wrong.

    I won't speak here on this anymore, but I hope you take it to heart. I was like you. I thought love could cure him or treatment or a normal family. He is now 22 and out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) For Young Sexual Predators. He is a registered sex offender who refuses to register and he could be thrown in jail for not registering. He is married with two daughters and I get teary eyed thinking about those two babies because he will abuse them too. Once he was taken away to a sort of juvenile jail, he admitted he'd been messing with kids since as far back as he could remember, but he had no memory of being abused himself, but obviously he had been. He had no insight into why he did the things he did and no remorse. He started trying to perp on kids even in this sort of kid jail where there are cameras running 24/7. His prognosis was said to be "poor."

    The county charged this thirteen year old with sexual assault of a minor because my two younger kids were six years younger than he is. He was found guilty. We have and want no contact with him ever again. If that sounds cold, so be it. I had to take two little kids to sexual abuse therapy for years and I think if he had been around...if we had kept him in our lives...they would resent us for caring about this person who did such horrible things to them. As it is, thankfully both are doing quite well. I am glad this kid monster is gone. I realize you have more tender feelings for your son, but how would you feel if you found out he was touching your daughters? We loved this boy at one time too.

    It is playing with fire to live with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child. I hope you take my advice and get him out of the house ASAP. Another Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid who was in foster care with a friend of mine burned down her house. While it was burning he asked, "Can we get McDonalds?" This is the reality of full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    While you fight for those results, start researching your out-of-home options. You may need to start things rolling very quickly... the more you have data at your fingertips, the better.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nikiani, I'm sure you realize that you have come to a place where it's easy to find someone who understands.

    I have no experience in dealing with the serious realities of your life but wanted to welcome you to the site. As you navigate the harsh realities of the future, know we are here to support you when needed.

  13. nikiani

    nikiani New Member

    I completely agree InsaneCdn.....I'm scrambling to get info and learn and in the process am somewhat overwhelmed....but SO thankful I found this forum!
  14. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    While my son isn't diagnosis Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) we have had to send him an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because we couldn't keep the other kids safe from him. I have some suggestions.

    First, alarms on the bedroom doors. Your daughters are young enough and there are only 2 of them that having them sleep with you would be easy. Put an alarm on the inside of your bedroom door (and theirs if you don't have them in your room) and the inside of the windows. Put an alarm on the outside of his door. If his room isn't close enough that you can hear the alarm go off put a baby monitor by it and keep the other end with you.

    Have someone else take care of your dogs until you find an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for Ian.

    Always keep your daughters or Ian in sight at all times. I used baby gates to keep the other kids where I wanted them. I would make a buffer between my son and the other kids. His time out spot was in his room (with the door shut) and I'd put up the baby gate so they couldn't get anywhere near his door. Take them into the bathroom with you. Only shower when there is another adult who understands there or when Ian is out of the house. I would have to get 2 babysitters in 2 different houses the few times I had to leave them. No one would really believe me and he was just so fast. I made sure the house that my son was in didn't have any other kids in it.

    I made sure my son had a full time aide to watch him because of the sexual notes he was sending girls in his class. Turns out the principal didn't know about it until I told her. The teacher was taking care of it herself.

    I always had my phone and keys in my pocket. My phone to call for help and the keys because he would lock me out of the house with the other kids and himself in the house.

    I talked to my neighbors and made them aware of my son (even if they didn't believe me). I did this for 2 reasons. First, I didn't want them to not be warned if he did something to their kids. Second, if I needed help I needed someone close to call. Set up a crisis plan. My son also dramatically changes his behavior in front of other adults, so our crisis plan is to invite one of my neighbors to come sit on the couch. (They probably think I'm nuts, but my other kids are alive and well; which is the end result I want.)

    Keep track of everything. If Ian makes improper statements to kids on the bus get the bus driver to write down what he said, date it, and sign it. If he is doing stuff at school get the teacher to write it down, date it, and sign it. Keep a behavior book of what he does at home. This does a few things. First, it will help with cps when they show up. Notice I said when not if. Second, it will help the professionals working with him. Third, it might help you get him help.

    Is there any way you could get him on SSI? The results of the neuropsychologist and written notes from the school would be good to have for this. I'm not sure if it is like this in every state, but here you get on Medicaid with SSI and then Medicaid can pay for a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I've been told the key to getting SSI quickly is good records. My son got on it quickly.

    We also have wraparound. It has been very nice. We started right before my son went into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). To get us through the few months before he could get into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) the mental health place had 2 case mangers come to our house or son's school for a few hours each day. They did that until a bed opened up.

    He stayed in for a year and gained about 2 years worth of social skills. I'm not saying you will have the same experience, but Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was very good for my son. Also, sending him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was not giving up on him. It was a lot of work on my part to go to all the staff mtgs and therapies and visits. I was still very involved as his mother.
  15. Giselle

    Giselle New Member

    You can't trust him alone with the other children, so do what you need to do to make sure that never happens, as long as he is in your house.

    The dog is already telling you s/he's being abused, s/he's running away from him. And he killed his ferret. So this much is crystal clear - get the kid out of the house, or get the dog out of the house, fast.

    You really need to pull off any veil of denial quickly, before he permanently hurts someone in your house. I'm sure there are moments when you want to think that things are o.k., when his behavior is normal or he shows signs of being the child you hope he can be, and you want to trust him. But don't. He has to earn that over a long period of time, and don't let the other children or animals be his casualties.
  16. nikiani

    nikiani New Member

    Liahona, those are some very good ideas....I have tried to make some of our close friends aware of some of these situations with Ian..Like you said, a lot of people don't want to believe what we have to say....especially family members. But we feel that we HAVE to at least say some things so that when Ian does end up going to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (our hope) there isn't a huge confusion and bad feelings as to why. I'm sure there will be anyway, but we have to do what is best for everyone directly involved.
    I will have to look into the Medicaid and SSI....hopefully that may be an option for us as well. the last week has been rough with him and I'm dreading the rest of the summer.
    Ians social skills are perfect when he needs them to be or I should say, when it benefits him. One of our biggest concerns is that he will con and manipulate anyone involved being a therapist, case worker, etc.....he is SO good at it.
    The behavior book is an excellent idea as well. I believe in documenting things especially since we have been dealing with bio mom and had to keep things documented there anyway...I am going to buy alarms for the doors too....everyone seems to be saying that is a good idea. The 2 month old still sleeps with us an our 18 month old sleeps with us half the time. I think I may move her bed into our bedroom for the time being...
    The good thing is that I do have the support of a couple close friends who have spent extensive time with Ian and really seem to grasp what has been going on with him. I would say at minimum, we have 4 people who know EXACTLY whats going on and I'm hoping it will help us down the road if things start to get really bad.
    One of the hardest things is that he is not open and just blatant about how he does things...he is EXTREMELY sly, crafty, sneaky, and manipulative so the average person would never even be able to tell what he is or has been doing. I again, appreciate all of the comments and suggestions...We have had a lot of thinking to do over the last 2 days....not like it's anymore than we normally
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    nik, our son was sneaky and crafty too or how could he have gotten away with all he did for three years? I am a stay at home parent and thought I had it all together and saw it all. The kids told me, after he left, that he even fondled MY breasts if I fell asleep in the living room (I am a heavy sleeper). It made them think he was invincible. He set tiny fires in his bedroom in front of the kids and threatened to burn the house down, much like this foster child we knew actually DID do. And he would tell the little ones, "I'm the Devil and even God can't stop me." Remember now these are two very young kids, seven and five, and they saw his evil deeds and believed it. This is how perpetrators scare victims into silence. And the victims are always much younger. He never tried anything with my oldest daughter. He knew she'd have killed him and told all.

    It is sad that I's first experiences in life made him a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid, which is essentially a child with antisocial personality disorder. And we could go on and on about how he never had a chance and how sad it was that he developed into what he is and that it isn't his fault. I'm sure Ted Bundy had a horrible first three years too. And Charles Manson did. However, once a person has developed into a dangerous, evil being, we have to protect others from that person and not lament at how he is this way or that way because of his upbringing.

    I would NEVER leave your eighteen month daughter alone. EVER EVER EVER. And you really do need to find out of home placement before this child does irreparable harm to one of you. He is SO MUCH like our ex-son. I'm sure some people who have never lived this think it is horrible that I call him my ex-son and never saw him again, even after he had penetrating sex with his five year old sister. I can not relate to those people other than to say you kinda had to be there...I knew I needed to save the victims and not make the victims feel I was aiding and comforting their abuser. I think that's partly why both of the victims are doing so well now. We took their side 100% and they know we have no further contact with ex-son. Do not worry about what clueless people think of you.

    I hope your husband understands how serious this is. (((Hugs)))!!!!
  18. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I was worried about the staff at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) not seeing that side of him, but no one can keep it together for 24/7/365. My difficult child 1 has a very long honeymoon period (6 months) but they started seeing behaviors within a month. It was like intensive therapy for him all day long.

    There will be tdocs who believe him. difficult child 1 had one tell us its was all our fault and he was an angel. We never went back to that one. You might have to fire a few. There are some really clueless people out there, but there are some really good ones too.

    difficult child 1 is very sneaky, too. It got to the point that if someone cried around him he got punished for hurting them. At the time my other kids weren't verbal enough to talk and tell us what happened. He would complain it wasn't fair. My response would be that he has to earn our trust and based on his past behavior I didn't trust him. He would still argue and get defensive and then the truth would somewhat come out as he would try to defend his actions (that I wasn't sure he did in the first place.) All most always the punishment was well earned.

    His punishment was to be a shadow. This means he has to be in my line of sight; not in the same room, not standing next to me or right behind me. I have to be able to see him (not out of the corner of my eye either) at all times and it was his job to make sure he stayed visible. There were times I was just worn out and couldn't do it anymore. Those times he went into his room (alarm on). Oh, in case you are tempted, (I was) you could get in trouble with cps for locking him in his bedroom, so don't put a padlock on his door.

    You are so lucky to have the support of a few friends. Not all of us do here.

    Yeah, even though they knew it was coming my extended family was very hurt difficult child 1 went to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). And x took us back to court, but then x has more contact with difficult child 1 than biomom does Ian.

    Oh and your husband might have to be the one to actually sign all the papers to put Ian in to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because he is custodial parent, and it feels like the worst day of your life; like your child is lost forever. But its not. He isn't lost forever. Its just the beginning of recovery. (At least it was for us.)

    Good luck getting him admitted.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), there is nothing like it. It very well could be a forever good-bye, at least as far as living at home. They do not tend to get better in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and don't cease to be dangerous. Their issues are far greater than most difficult child issues and involve dangerous behaviors towards other, vulnerable people and animals and often it extends to neighbors. They also are King at false allegations which CPS may believe.

    Not the same thing. Wish it were. My guess is that once this kid is in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he will stay there until eighteen and once released will run to bio. mom, who is TRULY the only one who understands the crazy things he does.

    Glad your child is doing better :)
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Nikiani, why are you fighting to get the test results? You should have had them within a week. They're your test results and you paid for them!
    Is your difficult child on any medications?
    I see Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and possible mental illness from his bio mom. He may need a mood stabilizer. If he fights it, you'll have to bribe him ... we used Reese's Peanut butter cups for years!
    Definitely make sure he is supervised 24/7. I would hate to see him do something to a pet or sibling that he will live to regret for the rest of his life because of his impulsivity.
    Fingers crossed for you!