Please help. Picture of difficult child down UPDATE

[bby31288]

All, thank you so much for your responses. I spoke with cell carrier. difficult child does not have picture messaging, but it can be accessed by a pay per use service, which is what happened. I have taken the cell away, and will eventually replace it with a basic phone (no picture no text) that she can use to contact me. At first difficult child didn't want us to go to the boys house and husband was not keen on it either, but after a very long discussion we decided that what she did, was now the past and we couldn't change it, but we could prevent it from someone else possibly doing. husband went there last night, because I was truly devestated and was in no state to go. He spoke with the boys father who was fully mortified. husband was not sure if it was because of what his son did, or that a parent was at his house. husband told him that we punished our difficult child, and what he does with his son is up to him. Although his mother wasn't home at the time, husband told this boys father he hopes he shares the information with the boys mother.
difficult child has taken full responsibility for her actions and "stupidity". She apologized to her sisters for what still may come. Of course, like many of our difficult children she doesn't know why she did it, except that she really liked him and he said if she really liked him she would do it for him. I feel like we have tried to do so many right things, not allowing myspace, very little recreational computer time, ensuring parents are home when she visits friends. But she still found a way to do something like this. I am afraid school will not be of much help. Her guidance counselor said they can't do anything about it because she didn't do it at school??? Even though they are passing it around school via cell phone...They will be on the look out for people using phones in school.
Her dr. is going to help us pick out a p-doctor and try to help get us in sooner. She needs to start therapy for her lack of self confidence and self esteem. She has been many times but refused to talk. I told her she has to go and she has to cooperate or we would look into somthing more inpatient type to ensure she gets group therapy and individual therapy. She said she will cooperate.

 

[bby31288]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: JoG</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Outside of denying it at school, which I totally understand, when does this difficult child have to take responsibility for her actions?
Going to the boy's house can be seen as admitting guilt, but so what? Both the difficult child and the boy ARE guilty. His request was inappropriate and she is impulsive and misguided - where is the harm in using this as a learning experience?

I think contacting the school and putting them on notice that this happened is a step to help the school crackdown on cell phone usage in school.

A parent to parent meeting with the boy's parent's is another step - no need for the kids to be present at all. The meeting isn't to get the kid in trouble or claim or disclaim whether or not the picture is truly difficult child's privates - it's to let the parents know their son's inappropriate request so that they may discuss it with him. Ugh.

difficult child and easy child denying it at school is all well and fine, but the bottom line is that eventually this 'scandal' will die down and there will be a new 'scandal' at school and everyone will forget about this. The less said, the better. I would isntruct easy child and difficult child to not even entertain any further questions in this regard. Yes, just walk away and/or make a simple comment of "never happened" and say no more about it. Each week there is a new scandal - trust me.

At home: either take away the cell or replace it with one that has gives less options and takes away the ability to text/internet and camera! I think your daughter needs to write a paper of sorts on self respect as well. How else will this incident have an impact on her if everyone is denying it and trying to handle damage control? You know what? She did a stupid, irresponsible, impulsive thing and needs to own it and then pick up the pieces and change her future behavior. Giving her an "out", in my opinion, is not the way to go - I would not be making it so easy for her.

Best of luck~</div></div>


JoG...that was harsh. It was stupid and irresponsible and impulsive but I don't think I am making it easy for her, it is still my responsibility to protect her, and her sisters.

 

[hearts and roses]

I'm sorry if my post came off as being more harsh than more been there done that - that was NOT my intention.

Having been through many episodes or "incidents" of similar behaviors with my own now 17gfg, I can certainly relate to what you're going through. What we've learned after many such incidents is that this is difficult child's issue, not her sister's and she must own up to it. It hurts, it's horrible, it's embarrassing and humiliating, yes - all those things. In fact, all of my difficult child's hideous incidents were caused by her own impulsivity, stupidity, and irresponsible behavior. But what I was saying was, at what point is she old enough to own the consequences of her actions? I just didn't see what denying it would have accomplished except to allow your difficult child to move past this but not learn a lesson from it.

I sent you a PM earlier (before your post) in which I said that I think you and your H ultimately handled it very well and it seems to be having a good outcome. I still think so. I just don't think 'denying' is the way to go and if that sounds harsh, I apologize - we all have to do what is right for our families at any given moments. I understand that things change, circumstances change, etc. I never said I thought you were letting her off the hook or letting her off easy; it was the denying part that didn't seem right to me. It was obvious that you were reaching out to help guage your reactions and looking for help from others and that's exactly what we all do here.

Just as it is your responsibility to protect your family, it is also each member of the family's responsibility to behave appropriately and learn how their actions have consequences, not just for themselves but for others.

Please accept my sincerest of apologies if I offended you or your parenting in any way - that was definitely not my intention.

 

[bby31288]

JoG. Thanks! I am sorry if I overreacted. My heart has been ripped out. I can appreciate that you have been there done that. My hope is to stop this from getting worse. Also I think denying it would ultimately save me from the embarrassment. Maybe I can talk myself into thinking it really wasn't her....sigh.

 

[Nancy]

I think you and husband handled this very well. I can tell you for a fact that boys do ask girls to take pictures of themselves and send them to them either via the computer or cell. My difficult child wanted a boyfriend so badly that she too got sucked into this and it backfired on her because four years later she is still trying to live it down.

It's good that you talked to be boy's father. We did that also when difficult child snuck out of the house to see a boy down the street and he let her in the basement window. They would have denied it happened unless we went and gave them the info. The situation was handled quickly, we never had any further trouble from this boy. We did not excuse difficult child, she was fully at fault, but we need help from other parents often to help keep our difficult child safe.

Nancy

 

[Marguerite]

I'm coming late to this. I can see where JoG was coming from - a lot of suggestions were being made to sweep it under the carpet, which ultimately is NOT what you did, bby. Choosing the 'fess up' route, even if it's only between your family, the boy concerned and the phone company is a better way to go. I can understand someone else's hope that she would be suspended (as well as others involved) but I think the lesson has been pounded on the table fairly hard already, with her knowing that it's HER photo being circulated, through her own gullibility. Even denying it publicly doesn't take away that shame for her. Suspension would only make her seem more of an active, guilty participant than she deserves. Although she sent the photo, she is the victim in this. It would be like suspending a girl from school for being raped, after she agreed to walk through the park with a boy, on a dark night.

difficult child's self-esteem is a big issue. If she can't learn to respect herself this is going to set the tone for future relationships - she will demean herself if necessary, in order for boys to like her. Her self-respect will plummet further, leaving her ever more vulnerable to this sort of exploitation and abuse.

I'm glad you went to the parents. They need to know, so they can deal with their son's inappropriateness as well. HE needs to know that this is abuse, it is pornography (kiddie porn, at that) and is a really serious offence. Plus, to manipulate an under-age girl like this (to manipulate ANY girl, in fact) is very, very wrong. If he was trying to use the photo to make himself look successful to his mates, then it backfires if he had to lie and cheat to get the photo (and lie to an especially vulnerable girl, as well - has he tried this on more astute girls and been rejected?). Instead of allowing him to brag that he is sexually successful (which is what this boils down to - male competition) all it shows is that he is so UNSUCCESSFUL that he has to resort to tactics like this.
Yes, difficult child demeaned herself in order to hopefully get a boyfriend (which didn't work). But in the same way, this boy has prostituted himself (or at least offered himself, even if he didn't follow through with his offer) in order to get the photo, to make himself seem more popular. Frankly, it's a mess for both of them, although he was the instigator. I hope he is feeling cheap, too.

Poor difficult child! It is awful when you get treated this way. I really don't think she had a clue that this could happen and must be devastated. Good on easy child for her quick thinking and support of her sister. And good on you and your husband for taking swift, effective action.

Here in Australia police are still investigating and prosecuting various cases where footage has been taking on video cameras and mobile phones, of fights and sexual abuse. The footage has been getting circulated and in some cases, sold in the playground. In one very nasty case a 13 year old female difficult child with developmental delay was filmed being made to perform various sex acts on a group of boys. They also tortured her, setting fire to her hair and stealing her clothes. All on film and these thugs were selling it. They're using the film to identify the boys and as they're confirming each ID the boy is being charged with as much as the police can throw at them. It makes me really glad that difficult child 3 is never going back into that environment.

Marg

 

[mom_in_training]

"a lot of suggestions were being made to sweep it under the carpet, which ultimately is NOT what you did, bby".

I agree that difficult child should by all means take responsibility for her bad choices and am very glad that Mom responded in the way that she did by making her difficult child take responsibility. But as far as the denying it to the very peers that keep putting it in her face at school, Would it be better for her to say, "Oh yea,Those are my genitals alright, I did a stupid thing and now regret it"? I truly do not think that others to include myself responding to this post meant for all of what happened to simply be swept under the rug. As far as school when approached by others with picture in hand, I do not see it as a problem for difficult child to just say whatever and walk away denying that its herself. Its her that created this mess but geeze how should she react when approached? I would think that anybody reasonible under the circumstances would be severely embarrassed and ashamed of what they had done and in this case from moms post her difficult child has taken full responsibility for her actions, I guess now its just a matter of how she will learn from her mistake along with the hopes that her peers at school will eventually let it go and go onto the next big scoop. Kids latch onto the next big rumor or whatever might be going on at the moment.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Sounds like you came up with a way to address this that works for you. I'm glad the creep's Dad knows. Is tar and feathering against the law???

I never once implied that this whole thing should be "swept under the rug". It certainly can be addressed without announcing to the whole school "Yes! it's her!" Controlling the photo if anyone else has managed to get it downloaded will be pretty much impossible. I was concerned for difficult child as well as easy child.

There are several ways for difficult child and easy child to react. The one most likely to calm things down more quickly will be shrugging and saying "yeah, whatever".

You might want to call your SD office (not the school the district office) and find out if they have any policy about this sort of thing. "Well, it didn't happen at school" excuse isn't necessarily true. Depending on the laws in your state. My SD was forced to come up with an internet harrassment/bullying policy after two incidents last year. Before that, it was always the "it didn't happen at school" mantra.I know your situation is different, but be aware.

 

[thestormyjourney]

What a stressful and heartbreaking situation. Having read through all the posts I agree you have done so well in the way you've handled this situation. You and your husband showed a united frot in dealing with this and im sure it has been a huge wake up call for your difficult child. I have all of these wonderful things too look forwward to when mine enter the world of teens (gulp).

Hugs...

Renee