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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 290715" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>J, </p><p> </p><p>I think you need to see our Detachment 101 guidelines and read, read, read. They have saved a lot of us from certain parental pitfall. </p><p> </p><p>I know exactly what you mean when you say I have to take off work because if I don't she won't go to get a job that she needs because if she doesn't get a job then I will have to keep supporting her - and there's the rub. You WANT.....and that is the beginning of YOUR end. It was also nearly my end. Belive me to some degree I think I would still be doing it with my son at 18 - but last year I had a stroke and then well - lets say I had to rethink how badly I wanted to keep doing this dance and for how long. Even after that? I still did some things....but not to the degree I did before the stroke. </p><p> </p><p>It's like you sit there and think to yourself "What would she do without me?" Then your mind races from - Well she would kill herself which makes us very sad to - she would find a way and go on- and that just made me personally furious ( which, and I don't know why because it was what I wanted all along) to think that after all I've done - my kid would manage without me. I guess that was the realization or epiphany I had to come to so that I could let go and detach or begin to save myself. It was like HOW DARE HE go on without my help. Which on a very basic level was very convoluted thinking. Then I talked it out with my therapist and I said "How messed up is that?" then I cried and then I laughed, because I realized how crazy it must have sounded. </p><p> </p><p>I want my son to be independent - I want him to grow up, have a life, a job - be self-supporting, but when I thought about him doing it all on his own without me in his life - it made me angry. That's when I knew I was too involved and needed to detach. So I began working on that point. It didn't mean I couldn't love him, or help him financially or couldn't buy him things when I saw them and WANTED to. But it DID mean that I wouldn't be manipulated into doing things for him that I couldn't afford or were beyond my financial means or strapped me to the point of not paying my own bills, or being TOLD to buy him things or being FORCED to give him money or being bullied into handing him a $20 for movies when I was trying to figure out how to make ends meet. It meant letting him go hungry a few nights and walk a few miles and swing a few hammers and sweat a few days at hard labor - and appreciate a hard days work and NOT making excuses for HIS disabilities when there were kids out there with no legs and no arms and no eyes and no ears that were doing things every day and thankful to be able to do so. </p><p> </p><p>I stopped feeling sorry for him and myself all in one day and never looked back. I started expecting MORE out of him and so he started expecting more out of himself - and I stopped expecting the world to treat him like an emotional cripple - and more like everyone else - and so by doing so - he started to do more for himself. </p><p> </p><p>He still has his moments of (misplacing his brain) - we all do. He still has his good days and his bad. We all do. He still has the ability to do good and make choices for himself....and until he can't? I expect him to do the best he can for himself - and rely on himself because someday I'm not going to be here - and he'll go on - and I'll be GLAD for that. Not angry -lol. And if at this point in time I felt he could not? I think I'd be talking to someone at a state level hospital that would be providing for his care so that when I was gone - he would be taken care of. </p><p> </p><p>I do not envy you your task j - this is hard......but you've found a soft place to land - and a lot of fine feathered friends for support. </p><p> </p><p>Many hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 290715, member: 4964"] J, I think you need to see our Detachment 101 guidelines and read, read, read. They have saved a lot of us from certain parental pitfall. I know exactly what you mean when you say I have to take off work because if I don't she won't go to get a job that she needs because if she doesn't get a job then I will have to keep supporting her - and there's the rub. You WANT.....and that is the beginning of YOUR end. It was also nearly my end. Belive me to some degree I think I would still be doing it with my son at 18 - but last year I had a stroke and then well - lets say I had to rethink how badly I wanted to keep doing this dance and for how long. Even after that? I still did some things....but not to the degree I did before the stroke. It's like you sit there and think to yourself "What would she do without me?" Then your mind races from - Well she would kill herself which makes us very sad to - she would find a way and go on- and that just made me personally furious ( which, and I don't know why because it was what I wanted all along) to think that after all I've done - my kid would manage without me. I guess that was the realization or epiphany I had to come to so that I could let go and detach or begin to save myself. It was like HOW DARE HE go on without my help. Which on a very basic level was very convoluted thinking. Then I talked it out with my therapist and I said "How messed up is that?" then I cried and then I laughed, because I realized how crazy it must have sounded. I want my son to be independent - I want him to grow up, have a life, a job - be self-supporting, but when I thought about him doing it all on his own without me in his life - it made me angry. That's when I knew I was too involved and needed to detach. So I began working on that point. It didn't mean I couldn't love him, or help him financially or couldn't buy him things when I saw them and WANTED to. But it DID mean that I wouldn't be manipulated into doing things for him that I couldn't afford or were beyond my financial means or strapped me to the point of not paying my own bills, or being TOLD to buy him things or being FORCED to give him money or being bullied into handing him a $20 for movies when I was trying to figure out how to make ends meet. It meant letting him go hungry a few nights and walk a few miles and swing a few hammers and sweat a few days at hard labor - and appreciate a hard days work and NOT making excuses for HIS disabilities when there were kids out there with no legs and no arms and no eyes and no ears that were doing things every day and thankful to be able to do so. I stopped feeling sorry for him and myself all in one day and never looked back. I started expecting MORE out of him and so he started expecting more out of himself - and I stopped expecting the world to treat him like an emotional cripple - and more like everyone else - and so by doing so - he started to do more for himself. He still has his moments of (misplacing his brain) - we all do. He still has his good days and his bad. We all do. He still has the ability to do good and make choices for himself....and until he can't? I expect him to do the best he can for himself - and rely on himself because someday I'm not going to be here - and he'll go on - and I'll be GLAD for that. Not angry -lol. And if at this point in time I felt he could not? I think I'd be talking to someone at a state level hospital that would be providing for his care so that when I was gone - he would be taken care of. I do not envy you your task j - this is hard......but you've found a soft place to land - and a lot of fine feathered friends for support. Many hugs. [/QUOTE]
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