Yes, I have not ever disputed that. You are right. I have humbly admitted that I have a problem. There must be some gratifying semblance of peace in knowing that I have access to his inner world, by seeing his searches. And I got in to this muck because I was 'enabling' him in the 1st place by checking his email for some ebt information that he is/was FULLY capable of doing himself. A perfect example there of enabling. Doing something for the addict that they can do for themselves. But, as a mom, I was concerned in making sure that my son had FOOD to eat.
They trigger my O C D. I have little ability when under stress, to withhold my urge to 'check'. And, God forbid I see a concerning search as I did, 'liquor store'....that put me in a tailspin. On Wednesday when I first saw the one on 'how to beat a breathalyzer', I had an immediate onset of anxiety. However, there was NOTHING at that point, that I could do! I suffered another 2 days of numb, zombie hell, until he called me Friday and confirmed relapse....when those 2 days could've been peaceful had I not seen the searches.
I think I have PTSD from his accident in early 2015. We were talking often, almost daily. Then, all of a sudden, I could not reach him. His phone would ring and ring. Hours went by, then a day went by. Then, it started going right to VM, which indicates phone battery dead or phone turned off. This went on for 2 full days, not the norm for him. I had a strong GUT feeling something was amiss. He had very recently lost his job which he was at for the longest time ever, for him(almost 6 mos.)....which he really liked prior to this. And he was not coping well with the firing. I think drinking a lot, among using other stuff. Anyways, I finally posted on his FB page for one of his friends to PLEASE HELP ME! Where is my son? Some wonderful guy messaged me that he 'heard' my son was in an accident. I was in my car the next morning and at his bedside 9hrs later. He had major surgery the next morning.
That 2 days of not knowing, but knowing something was wrong, was just plain awful. Unless one goes through this, you will never know. Not saying that as an excuse..I have to get past this. But, still. It's still fresh for me.
