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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 693756" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>We are, each of us, trying to build healthy relationships with ourselves. That is the power of all of this, that because we love our children so much, we can finally treat ourselves well, and reach to become people we have not allowed ourselves to be, before.</p><p></p><p>That some of us have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or are reactive or hysterical or what ever, can be an excuse to go places where we ought not go, but it does not have to be. I am way less angry than I once was with my son. It all came from one decision--this greater control. I allowed myself to not follow him to where he needed to or wanted to go. I said no.</p><p></p><p>Just that one boundary changed everything. </p><p></p><p>The fact that your son gave you permission to view his private goings on--does not mean it is in your interests to do so. My son invited me over and over again to follow him in his conspiracy theories. I chose not to. Because it was not good for me.</p><p></p><p>When we begin to choose for ourselves, everything can change with our children. Because we have given them permission to choose for themselves. Or not.</p><p></p><p>It is like a big deep hole opens up for them, when we step away. The abyss. Their choices come to have more importance, when we cease to take responsibility. They have the chance to step up. </p><p></p><p>Those of us whose parents forced us to take responsibility for both themselves and for ourselves, never felt the safety to let go. There was so much danger everywhere that every single thing became fraught with danger. If we did not dance faster everything would fall apart. There was a movie, <u>I'm dancing as fast as I can. </u>We fear that if we stop dancing, stop holding on, everything will fall apart The abyss.</p><p></p><p>What we do not know, is that the abyss is possibility and freedom. If you stop dancing, rebelson, you will be free. And you will allow your son the possibility of this freedom, too.</p><p>I do not see it as a question of honesty or dishonesty. I believe it is a question of fear. As long as the fear dominates, and you keep believing in your power to control anything, your son will keep believing on some level that your dancing keeps everything going. And that he is minimally responsible. He will believe that his power lies in manipulating everybody else, to dance for him. He will miss the essential piece--that his dance for himself is the only one that counts.</p><p></p><p>This is the learning that each of us missed, rebelson. Because we were too busy dancing to keep our parents afloat--and with that ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 693756, member: 18958"] We are, each of us, trying to build healthy relationships with ourselves. That is the power of all of this, that because we love our children so much, we can finally treat ourselves well, and reach to become people we have not allowed ourselves to be, before. That some of us have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or are reactive or hysterical or what ever, can be an excuse to go places where we ought not go, but it does not have to be. I am way less angry than I once was with my son. It all came from one decision--this greater control. I allowed myself to not follow him to where he needed to or wanted to go. I said no. Just that one boundary changed everything. The fact that your son gave you permission to view his private goings on--does not mean it is in your interests to do so. My son invited me over and over again to follow him in his conspiracy theories. I chose not to. Because it was not good for me. When we begin to choose for ourselves, everything can change with our children. Because we have given them permission to choose for themselves. Or not. It is like a big deep hole opens up for them, when we step away. The abyss. Their choices come to have more importance, when we cease to take responsibility. They have the chance to step up. Those of us whose parents forced us to take responsibility for both themselves and for ourselves, never felt the safety to let go. There was so much danger everywhere that every single thing became fraught with danger. If we did not dance faster everything would fall apart. There was a movie, [U]I'm dancing as fast as I can. [/U]We fear that if we stop dancing, stop holding on, everything will fall apart The abyss. What we do not know, is that the abyss is possibility and freedom. If you stop dancing, rebelson, you will be free. And you will allow your son the possibility of this freedom, too. I do not see it as a question of honesty or dishonesty. I believe it is a question of fear. As long as the fear dominates, and you keep believing in your power to control anything, your son will keep believing on some level that your dancing keeps everything going. And that he is minimally responsible. He will believe that his power lies in manipulating everybody else, to dance for him. He will miss the essential piece--that his dance for himself is the only one that counts. This is the learning that each of us missed, rebelson. Because we were too busy dancing to keep our parents afloat--and with that ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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