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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 693828" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>This is what I need more of. <strong>Anger.</strong> <em>Why am I not more of this? </em>My whole life, it seems that it takes much to REALLY anger me. It happens in steps, very sloooooow steps. But, then...bam! I'm done or very near done. In the meantime, I end up being ppl's <em>door mat</em>. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/cautious.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":cautious:" title="cautious :cautious:" data-shortname=":cautious:" /> You'd think I'd catch on quicker. When they begin walking toward me with their shoes full o' mud.</p><p></p><p>But, seriously. Even if I were more mad, he is being much sweeter, nicer, humbler through this all. Not perfect, but 75% improved. So, being mad would not feel right, at this time. He called me last night while were outside doing fireworks, just to check in quickly. Once he found out we were doing fireworks, he said '<em>I'll let you go do that...I was just checking in....have fun and be safe....I love you." </em>I love this sober change in him. I feel like the sweetness makes it harder for me to 'get mad' which is where I need to be. Or not. I am so confused. Like UpandDown's name, I feel up (strong) one minute and down (weak) the next.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>I so want this. Freedom. It sounds <em>wonderful</em>. Yet elusive.</p><p></p><p>I don't think anybody is. I'm on here for the reality checks that others have to share. I've obtained immense help from you moms!</p><p></p><p>It is not FB. It is his Google 'searches'. Like if you wanted to research buying a hammock or tent to go camping. You'd go to Google and type in the search box something like: 'hammocks for camping'. I can see what he types in to HIS particular search box. Because his email address is a Google one and it logs you in to both email and Google search account. HTH.</p><p></p><p>Well, good question. Here's my basic answer. I think I have PTSD from that 2 day period last year when after he got fired, I knew he was <em>spiraling down, he was not handling it well</em>. Then, out of the blue one day...I could not reach him, for 2 days. Phone began going right to VM. I knew something was amiss. That 2 days was a living hell for me. It ended in him having had a serious accident where he could easily have died or been paralyzed. Now, each time I cannot reach him or his phone goes right to VM, I begin to panic. It's like that whole feeling I had back then, comes back to me in a fear-filled adrenaline rush. So, looking at his searches somehow gives me insight in to his frame of mind. That can be good. Or bad, as happened last week with the breathalyzer and liquor store entries.</p><p></p><p>If I do not have his searches, and I cannot reach him, I do the O C D checking by calling the 3 local hospitals to rule out his name. Doing this seems to give me some peace, knowing that his name is not on hospital inpatient lists. But, even that peaceful feeling after doing the task of the 3 calls, wears off later that night or the next morning and I again feel the urge to check, call the hospitals all over again. "<em>Because maybe in the past 8, 12 hrs since my last checking, something happened to him</em>." My husband gets so upset at me! OMG, just re-reading this after writing it, I sound like a looney toon, a nut!!! </p><p></p><p>My coping box is close to empty, apparently!</p><p></p><p>I try to be a good person. And, my husband worries about me being stressed, a lot!</p><p></p><p>Yes, ditto! But there's that other side to it, too that I explained above in my last quote from Copa ^^^.</p><p></p><p>Exactly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 693828, member: 19966"] This is what I need more of. [B]Anger.[/B] [I]Why am I not more of this? [/I]My whole life, it seems that it takes much to REALLY anger me. It happens in steps, very sloooooow steps. But, then...bam! I'm done or very near done. In the meantime, I end up being ppl's [I]door mat[/I]. :cautious: You'd think I'd catch on quicker. When they begin walking toward me with their shoes full o' mud. But, seriously. Even if I were more mad, he is being much sweeter, nicer, humbler through this all. Not perfect, but 75% improved. So, being mad would not feel right, at this time. He called me last night while were outside doing fireworks, just to check in quickly. Once he found out we were doing fireworks, he said '[I]I'll let you go do that...I was just checking in....have fun and be safe....I love you." [/I]I love this sober change in him. I feel like the sweetness makes it harder for me to 'get mad' which is where I need to be. Or not. I am so confused. Like UpandDown's name, I feel up (strong) one minute and down (weak) the next. Yes. I so want this. Freedom. It sounds [I]wonderful[/I]. Yet elusive. I don't think anybody is. I'm on here for the reality checks that others have to share. I've obtained immense help from you moms! It is not FB. It is his Google 'searches'. Like if you wanted to research buying a hammock or tent to go camping. You'd go to Google and type in the search box something like: 'hammocks for camping'. I can see what he types in to HIS particular search box. Because his email address is a Google one and it logs you in to both email and Google search account. HTH. Well, good question. Here's my basic answer. I think I have PTSD from that 2 day period last year when after he got fired, I knew he was [I]spiraling down, he was not handling it well[/I]. Then, out of the blue one day...I could not reach him, for 2 days. Phone began going right to VM. I knew something was amiss. That 2 days was a living hell for me. It ended in him having had a serious accident where he could easily have died or been paralyzed. Now, each time I cannot reach him or his phone goes right to VM, I begin to panic. It's like that whole feeling I had back then, comes back to me in a fear-filled adrenaline rush. So, looking at his searches somehow gives me insight in to his frame of mind. That can be good. Or bad, as happened last week with the breathalyzer and liquor store entries. If I do not have his searches, and I cannot reach him, I do the O C D checking by calling the 3 local hospitals to rule out his name. Doing this seems to give me some peace, knowing that his name is not on hospital inpatient lists. But, even that peaceful feeling after doing the task of the 3 calls, wears off later that night or the next morning and I again feel the urge to check, call the hospitals all over again. "[I]Because maybe in the past 8, 12 hrs since my last checking, something happened to him[/I]." My husband gets so upset at me! OMG, just re-reading this after writing it, I sound like a looney toon, a nut!!! My coping box is close to empty, apparently! I try to be a good person. And, my husband worries about me being stressed, a lot! Yes, ditto! But there's that other side to it, too that I explained above in my last quote from Copa ^^^. Exactly. [/QUOTE]
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