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Post Rehab, Brother 31, Living at Home Doping, Mom Enabling. Family Split. point of view: Concerned Daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="EvenTheDogMovedOut" data-source="post: 700702" data-attributes="member: 20911"><p>Thank you all... Wow...Spot on! Sharing my point of view as an adult sibling has been helpful - just writing it out. No need to read in it's entirety! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> It's calming to feel validated! For any siblings, feeling validated is a big deal! (adult or not). Just reading someone here write "What a mess". That's a breath of fresh air to me. </p><p></p><p>I recognize I'm not a parent (except to dogs). After years of my brother's spiral, I step back and say "Ok, my parents aren't solving it, my brother isn't solving it.... I'm an adult-- how can I solve it?" And yes, my mom holds tighter to her son-- like a pit bull holding onto a steak. Because Mom or Son are not getting better in their Hitchcock Psycho set up. (Maybe I sound heartless, but it's like a really bad movie where the acting is atrocious and you no longer care about the characters). It's the sequel and it's really bad. </p><p></p><p>I do have an amazingly supportive husband, my best friend. We laugh often and even find places to laugh in this family craziness. To be honest, finding humor is a major gift in surviving. My husband has given me the gift too of being pragmatic in this family vortex. Since I'm in my 30's and my brother's drugs/manipulating is very OLD news, a healthy distant perspective developed in myself long ago. I used to think he'd get better, I no longer believe that. </p><p></p><p>It's the long term affects on my parents I witness now. I agree-- it's freeing to accept "They are allowing it and this is their choice-- however painful". This is true! My dad is really sick of it. He turns to me for support while my mom is trying to turn him against me. SCAPEGOAT-- That's me. </p><p></p><p>I won't watch my mother doing the same thing she was doing 2, 5,10 years ago (with- her son). Since my brother's arrest and his 30 day rehab, that's when mom grew vicious toward me. It's a new thing to pull back on for myself. And I'm doing it. </p><p></p><p>I could feel the guilt in just sharing this experience of my brother's addiction and my family. My mom would look down on me for sharing this-- it's a dark family secret. Most of her friends don't even know (very peripheral if so) My mom's brother- whom she is close to-- but lives out of state-- he would say something if he saw the bedroom and son situation. Of course, Mom is the one who goes to visit. No relatives come visit her house! They'd see the son and his room--- with the painted walls all crazy. (That's something that has disturbed me).</p><p></p><p>My mom and I have mostly been close and kind of like 'friends'. Very different outlooks, but got along. For years I used to call my mom when I was anxious. I don't do that anymore. Even a therapist I saw several years ago picked up on how my mom needed me to be 'messed up'. The only time my mom was excited about something in my life was when I was anxious. Like I was a patient. Now with my "stable of stability" she's going nuts on me. When we announced getting married her reaction was akin to if we had said "Would you like a coffee?" </p><p></p><p>As a psychologist, my Mom has NEVER ever been to see a therapist. She knows deep down if any professional peer assessed this situation with her son and her enabling, well, maybe her son would be in jail, or dead or homeless. </p><p></p><p>Yea, my parents are choosing it and my Dad is allowing my mom to keep choosing to enable their son. And certainly, my brother doesn't want to see my husband or me. We see what's going on. </p><p></p><p>I read the detachment article. Yep. See it for myself and how my parents are experiencing it too.I know my mom has always valued being close to me. My power is pulling the plug on any contact with her. (I've never done that full cold turkey for a long period of time). For me the battle is over. I've offered all I can. She doesn't get to talk to me with her son in the house. It's the long game, so you'll probably see me typing some more here. </p><p></p><p>This week I'm just flushing this big turd down the toilet. I'll get beyond it. </p><p></p><p>There are too many great things I want to keep accomplishing and there are many things that give me great joy. I keep doing that everyday.</p><p>Thanks for listening!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="EvenTheDogMovedOut, post: 700702, member: 20911"] Thank you all... Wow...Spot on! Sharing my point of view as an adult sibling has been helpful - just writing it out. No need to read in it's entirety! :-) It's calming to feel validated! For any siblings, feeling validated is a big deal! (adult or not). Just reading someone here write "What a mess". That's a breath of fresh air to me. I recognize I'm not a parent (except to dogs). After years of my brother's spiral, I step back and say "Ok, my parents aren't solving it, my brother isn't solving it.... I'm an adult-- how can I solve it?" And yes, my mom holds tighter to her son-- like a pit bull holding onto a steak. Because Mom or Son are not getting better in their Hitchcock Psycho set up. (Maybe I sound heartless, but it's like a really bad movie where the acting is atrocious and you no longer care about the characters). It's the sequel and it's really bad. I do have an amazingly supportive husband, my best friend. We laugh often and even find places to laugh in this family craziness. To be honest, finding humor is a major gift in surviving. My husband has given me the gift too of being pragmatic in this family vortex. Since I'm in my 30's and my brother's drugs/manipulating is very OLD news, a healthy distant perspective developed in myself long ago. I used to think he'd get better, I no longer believe that. It's the long term affects on my parents I witness now. I agree-- it's freeing to accept "They are allowing it and this is their choice-- however painful". This is true! My dad is really sick of it. He turns to me for support while my mom is trying to turn him against me. SCAPEGOAT-- That's me. I won't watch my mother doing the same thing she was doing 2, 5,10 years ago (with- her son). Since my brother's arrest and his 30 day rehab, that's when mom grew vicious toward me. It's a new thing to pull back on for myself. And I'm doing it. I could feel the guilt in just sharing this experience of my brother's addiction and my family. My mom would look down on me for sharing this-- it's a dark family secret. Most of her friends don't even know (very peripheral if so) My mom's brother- whom she is close to-- but lives out of state-- he would say something if he saw the bedroom and son situation. Of course, Mom is the one who goes to visit. No relatives come visit her house! They'd see the son and his room--- with the painted walls all crazy. (That's something that has disturbed me). My mom and I have mostly been close and kind of like 'friends'. Very different outlooks, but got along. For years I used to call my mom when I was anxious. I don't do that anymore. Even a therapist I saw several years ago picked up on how my mom needed me to be 'messed up'. The only time my mom was excited about something in my life was when I was anxious. Like I was a patient. Now with my "stable of stability" she's going nuts on me. When we announced getting married her reaction was akin to if we had said "Would you like a coffee?" As a psychologist, my Mom has NEVER ever been to see a therapist. She knows deep down if any professional peer assessed this situation with her son and her enabling, well, maybe her son would be in jail, or dead or homeless. Yea, my parents are choosing it and my Dad is allowing my mom to keep choosing to enable their son. And certainly, my brother doesn't want to see my husband or me. We see what's going on. I read the detachment article. Yep. See it for myself and how my parents are experiencing it too.I know my mom has always valued being close to me. My power is pulling the plug on any contact with her. (I've never done that full cold turkey for a long period of time). For me the battle is over. I've offered all I can. She doesn't get to talk to me with her son in the house. It's the long game, so you'll probably see me typing some more here. This week I'm just flushing this big turd down the toilet. I'll get beyond it. There are too many great things I want to keep accomplishing and there are many things that give me great joy. I keep doing that everyday. Thanks for listening! [/QUOTE]
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