Post Rehab, Brother 31, Living at Home Doping, Mom Enabling. Family Split. point of view: Concerned Daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by EvenTheDogMovedOut, Oct 4, 2016.


Force depressed mom's hand to get addict adult son out or avoid contact and let it be?

  1. Force Mom's Hand

    1 vote(s)
  2. Avoid Contact

    7 vote(s)
  1. EvenTheDogMovedOut

    EvenTheDogMovedOut New Member

    NOTE: I have opted to distance myself from my mother and brother. I only refer to my brother as “Ruprecht”. I do not care anymore about Ruprecht because this has gone on so many years and he is now in his early 30’s. It has torn my parents apart (40+ years together) as well as my once good relationship with my mother. My reference to “Ruprecht” is my healthy coping strategy to disconnect. My husband and I have a happy life yet, this has been a huge emotional family drain. I’m writing this to share and have read many posts on this forum. I just need to vent.

    My brother, 31 “Ruprecht” has had a benzo addiction for several years. My mother is his constant defender and Ruprecht has enjoyed a free ride living at home the past 2 years. No work. No school. No paying of anything. No housework. No helping anyone. No volunteering. No goals. This year he finally left and moved in with a girlfriend which lasted 6 weeks before he was arrested for domestic abuse. He and the girlfriend were doing drugs. Mom and Dad got him out of jail. Ruprecht spent 30 days this summer in an in house rehab program because he was having seizures from benzo withdrawal. He was taking huge amounts.

    2 Christmas’s back Ruprecht arrived home with a different (nice) girlfriend and within minutes of coming in the house, he was mixing up liquid benzos—super strength right on the coffee table in my parents living room. Mom acted like “Ruprecht is so smart, he really understands all the different chemistry interactions of the various drugs”. I and my husband were disturbed that he immediately arrived for Christmas to mix drugs! Ruprecht has looked quite anorexic the past several years. Has taken other drugs too.

    Mom was naturally depressed, eager to get Ruprecht back home ‘safe’ after a night in jail this year. 30 days of rehab came and went. Mom made extra measures to make sure Ruprecht has a special IPOD in rehab! She wanted my help to set up the ipod with creepy stuff Ruprecht had asked for! He is off the benzos as of this summer 2016.

    Ruprecht was supposedly enrolling in school for the fall, but he dropped out of classes this semester. Mom’s okay with this. Dad is NOT.

    Ruprecht couldn’t believe he had to drink cheap non-organic milk in rehab. (Entitlement!)

    Recently, Ruprect broke his dope bong and mom went out and bought him a brand new one because he was crying – 31 year old manchild. My mother brings him food and he never has to leave the house. She also says she is fine with Ruprecht smoking cigarettes and using pot ALL day hanging out in the family house. She thinks its fine because he is off the benzo drugs. My mother went on about all the risks of benzos and how it was worse than heroin and that my brother has an anxiety issue. So basically he doesn’t have to do anything except leach off my parents. To be clear- Ruprecht is OFF Benzos and now doing pot heavily… Not like a ‘recreational’ thing. He keeps a butane camp gas cylinder on the coffee table for his weed habit in the living room.... and for some reason fireworks. How someone like him affords FIREWORKS I don't know. Those also sit on the coffee table, last I saw.

    Ruprect is an intelligent, good looking, able bodied, person who could do many wonderful things, yet chooses not to. He is aggressive and angry, clearly insecure. Let me say, that as the sibling, our childhood was decent. My father is a very educated man, working very hard all of our lives for the things we enjoy. My father gives everything to his family. He hardly buys himself anything in life except underwear and blue jeans. We went to museums as kids and had books. It is sick to watch Ruprecht be such a self-indulgent nasty person to everyone. He is vicious to me and so is my mother.

    My mother will send me texts about her son. I asked her not to mention him. For example: “Ruprecht cooked chicken and potatoes tonight”. Of course, she will refer to his real name. My husband and I surmise this is my mother’s indication that her experiment is ‘working’. The dial has moved so to speak and she wants us to know.

    This is because I recently told Mom she is acting withdrawn and I’m sick of it and I want Ruprecht out of the house because it isn’t healthy anymore to split up the whole family. My parents and my husband and I used to enjoy having a dinner together. NOT anymore. Now it’s just Dad and my husband and I.

    Me saying anything to my mother about Ruprecht means she gets defensive and really mean with me—I’ve never seen her be so unloving to me. This has been so hurtful I’m almost crying typing about how bad my relationship with my mom has become over this sibling issue.

    My mother will remind me of something awful I did (a long time ago), or tell me I am the one with a mental problem. It is a cruel mind game she does this with me.

    I am recently married, very happy and working hard on my own business every day. My mother is indifferent. This since Ruprecht’s recent tornado year. She fills her time away from the house with old ladies at the pool. She won’t admit she also doesn’t want to be in the house with Ruprecht. She only tells me "Never have children, worst mistake of my life”. She also tells me how mean I have been to Ruprecht. Keep in mind we are in our 30’s now! Ruprecht has made no friendly contact with me other than 'hey' in years and even that is labored. He never looks me in the eye and I never look him in the eye when I have had to see him briefly. He ignites in anger quickly. When I mention things to my mom, she says she's putting up a 'boundary' and not talking to me about it any further.

    My mother buys Ruprecht special cookies and pizzas and brings them to his bedroom door. I asked her why she was buying cookies for someone that can’t even wash dishes? So the next time she bought me a pack of cookies and one for Ruprecht and left them on the kitchen counter, our names written in magic marker on the package. Weird mind game?

    Ruprecht moved out for 6 weeks (which we thought was a long term thing) my husband and I visited again. My mother wouldn’t let me see the bedroom Ruprecht had used. Well, it’s because he was allowed to spray paint the walls with graffiti in 20 shades of bad vibe painting all over the walls! 31 years old. In my parents HOME. Even Dad said they could ‘repaint the walls’. Now Ruprecht’s ugly paintings of darkness hang all over the house and my mom says she ‘likes Ruprecht’s paintings’!

    Well Ruprect couldn’t be bothered to clean up the paint on the windows. He leaves cigarette butts all over the yard. He calls my mother when she is out of the house everyday with special food delivery order. She calls him at the grocery store offering to get him whatever he needs. Special sparkling water!

    My mother is a psychologist and continues to ‘re-hab’ Ruprecht herself. My Dad has his own man cave now to leave when needed because the family home is NOT a home with Ruprecht in it. My husband and I are on edge every time we have been in the house recently. The old dog needs extra care so we have been coming by more frequently. Ruprect does not care about old family dog. We’re not supposed to upset Ruprecht who might be watching T.V. They live an hour away from us. We used to enjoy visiting on the weekends – at least during the month that Ruprecht was in Rehab.

    One major concern is that my mom is withdrawn and depressed. She has pushed away myself (her daughter), my husband (a very reasonable man), and my father. They fight about Ruprecht every weekend.

    This week was the last straw for my husband and I. We removed the elderly family dog from my parent’s house because of another blow up with Ruprecht. Which sucked because we tried to stay in the guest room and then had to leave in the dark because I told my mother it wasn’t okay for her to keep buying special groceries for Ruprecht. Ruprecht – who broke his arm skateboarding last week came storming out of his foul painted room. Yelling at my husband and I – that we must love ‘EXPLETIVE-ing’ each other” and my husband is a very calm person. No, this isn’t okay. My mother stands in the background as if my husband is harming Ruprecht. All my husband says to Ruprecht is that his behavior sitting in the house all day no school, doing dope all day is not okay. My husband and I packed our bags and left that night in the dark. My mother said to me (her daughter) “I don’t want to see you again for a long time, this is your fault, then this is ‘your husband’s fault’ . She used to like my husband. He’s done many helpful things for her and my dad around the house!

    Then mom says to me, “You upset the old family dog, you caused this—meaning me the daughter. While my husband and I packed our car to leave Ruprecht was screaming and crying and dad trying to calm him and my mother physically holding him back from coming at my husband and I even though Ruprecht’s arm is in a sling. Mom and dad, begging to not break the new doors.

    Ruprecht hates my guts and my husbands--- apparently angry we got married too. Ruprecht puts me down and tells me I’ll never be anything and that my business is stupid and he told my husband some racist stuff (we are an inter-racial marriage). Ruprecht says to my husband that I would be the only ‘expletive’ my husband would ever get. Then he told my husband “You won”.

    Ruprecht screaming and crying at my dad that my husband is the son my dad wants. My dad asks what Ruprecht wants from him and just agrees, “Yes, Ruprecht, everyone is a “expletive”. Then Ruprecht goes on about how dad never loved him etc. (Manipulation). Trying to make my dad feel bad. Ruprecht has tried to choke my father in anger, and it was awful to see my 60’s something dad being abused by his grown son. My husband got Ruprect off my dad. (This was another incident over 1 year ago).

    My mom’s eyes, daggers on me as my husband and I loaded up the car in the dark. The old dog barking locked in another bedroom so my parents can wrangle with Ruprecht, him breaking doors and my dad has done much home improvement to the house and Ruprecht breaking the new doors and chasing my husband. Trying to make a film on his iphone (my mom and dad pay for) about how my husband is abusing him.

    It was miserable and we had our dog in the car – so we couldn’t fit the old big dog in too – and 2 days later we had to drive 2 more hours to go pick up old family dog which we love too. My dad loves him too and I guess my mother no longer cares about dogs. So we took the dog to live with us.

    While driving 1 hour back to our house, my dad calls and I can hear Ruprecht spitting in the background and dad says “Ruprecht says to tell you, that you and your husband aren’t welcome here at the house”. Of course, I knew dad was just saying that to get Ruprecht to calm down. Ok. We said. Hung up.

    Now why would a mother support her deadbeat son, while my husband and I who work hard and are educated, and responsible be given the cold shoulder? That’s a rhetorical question, of course. Not to mention marriage problems for my father and mother caused by grown 31 year old son Ruprecht.

    On Survivor- you vote off the person that doesn’t help out!!!People get sick of the same thing years out-- this is not a 19 year old, he is 31 year old manchild.

    This has gotten to be a very bad state for everyone. I keep reading the phrase ‘kick them out’…

    This is what I believe needs to happen with my brother, Ruprecht who I do NOT ever plan to see again in my life. Mom clearly is not prepared for this step. Dad is maybe on the fence. I don’t think they should give him any money, just get out. I’m the sibling so my say is invalid? Actually, everything about my point of view my mother invalidates. My only power is to not allow any contact with her. Disconnect. My mother is very secretive. She always acts like Ruprecht shares some version of a person with her, I have never seen.

    I’m just tried of how Ruprecht is negatively influencing so many extended family relationships at this point. Affecting the old dog’s twilight years and my dad’s ability to enjoy being with the old dog too. My dad already lost one old dog he loved over the summer the same week Ruprecht got arrested. My parents have some health problems too that Ruprecht doesn’t care about. I want my dad to be healthy, he doesn’t need this stress anymore!! My mother is choosing her manipulative son over her husband.

    I think it’s an easy phrase to say, “Kick them out” but how do you actually DO that. I mean—just physically with someone who will get violent and throw a tantrum. I understand for some people this is a deeply emotional state—to ‘kick a grown child out of the house’ but I’m talking about the physical motion – Ruprecht is not just going to get in his dented car and drive off with his broken arm and his camping stuff. Neighbors once have called the police on Ruprecht and girlfriend at the house a year ago. Mom doesn’t want the cops involved. Mom also has said things like “I’m NOT abandoning my son”.

    It’s like my mom is possessed by the exorcist. It’s like no other family achievements matter. She doesn’t even care if she gets a photograph of my husband and I’s wedding portrait. She is clearly overwhelmed and I’m unable to help it seems. My mom distrusts me which is weird because I’ve always been responsible and never on drugs. I DO want good things for my parents. I can’t help her without it getting really nasty. Or maybe, I just let it be like we are currently doing. No contact. “Let people be who they are” …. To what point? Enable to when? I know this is another rhetorical question. by the way, No, my husband and I did NOT participate (nor were we invited) to the group family therapy in the 30 day rehab program. We just don’t give a care anymore. This is about my parents being affected and how it’s affecting my relationship with them. Ruprecht just needs to hit rock bottom and be gone. He’s too angry to be at rock bottom and with a stomach full of pizza and plenty of internet how could he ever hit rock bottom with mom steering the helm?

    I feel unsafe anywhere near my brother Ruprecht. Mostly he is a coward, but I’m not putting my husband or dogs in danger with this endless festering of Mommy’s boy at home. My family doesn’t need this stress.

    It has been blindsiding to have lost the relationship with my mother. I honestly don’t believe she cares about me anymore. It’s not a sibling rivalry thing to me. It’s just like a friend who got really mean suddenly. Or is dating a dangerous bad boy and you say, "this guy doesn’t love you".

    I’m an adult. I don’t ‘need’ my mom. I guess it’s mostly just sad. She has little affect these days.

    A psychiatric person would say you can’t change other people. You must live your own life and cut out negative people, even if it’s your own mother. Yet, my mother is in pain from her son too.

    Dad says the situation is NOT permanent, but it sure looks like it’s going to be another year of Ruprecht sitting at home with his bong & mom. More stress. More fights of my parents. More distance.

    My Dad just wants some time to enjoy the years he has left.

    My husband and I, found it hard to sleep the last few days after this recent incident. It’s just a dark hole.

    The energy is so dark, I can’t explain how you can literally FEEL a vibe that is so unpleasant. The anger Ruprecht has doesn’t seem to be getting better. Oh, he stopped seeing a psychiatric person too.

    Probably because the psychiatric person said “Why don’t you want to grow up?”

    Ruprecht is 31 grown man, living with his mom, acting like a 15 year old. As he moves into his 30’s and it’s not getting better, well…. Kick him out I say. Much of the emotion I used to have about this situation has left me. I’m pretty pragmatic because I have nothing left to give this situation except I do want my parents healthy.

    With a grown man who do you call? It’s not exactly an arrest situation and I’m not saying I want Ruprecht in jail, but what else is there? My parents should NOT float money for more rehab. I no longer believe rehab works. Ruprecht has NO dream for his future it seems. You can’t give someone else a dream. Is this the bad seed?

    Even the old dog moved out. And the dog LOOKS happier too!!!!! When the family home has no place for the dog anymore all because of a grown son sitting in the house with his mother!

    Any thoughts? Thank You.
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Wow...what a mess...but it is their mess and your parents are allowing it. I think I would just have to step back for a while, and make calls to your dad, and maybe your mom occasionally and just touch base with how they are doing. Don't even ask about your brother.

    Send a card or token gifts on birthdays and holidays, and invite them to visit, by themselves at your home, if you wish.

    If you learn of physical abuse towards them. Contact an agency to check on them...I know our community has an "elder abuse" hotline, so maybe it could be done anonymously.

    You can't really do much's their house...their money...their choice.

  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I admit I couldn't read the whole thing but I do think I have read enough. You feel unsafe around your brotjet. Be good to yourself and stay away. Sadly, you can not protect your parents if they allow him to live there. We all have our limitations in the situation of otjers, even family. Maybe especially family.

    It is impossible for you to change other people to be the way you like. You sound belittling toward your mom and brother. I cant blame you. Your brother is sick, but he could do better, and if he were my son he'd be out the door without my financial support until the day he got clean.
    Even then I would not support a 31 year old man.

    BUT this is me, not her. It does not sound like it is going to stop soon or that your telling her how you feel is changing things. I'm so sorry she hurts you, making you feel unimportant. I had this with my own mother...

    You can't control your family's chaos but you do have control over yourself. Maybe it's time to choose peace and stop getting involved with your mother and brothers choices. You are newly married so you live elsewhere. You can relax in the sancuary of your home with your husband and dogs. You can bask in the serenity.

    You can chose to have dinners and holidays alone or with other family or friends...away from the chaos. You do not have to engage dysfunction and you can't stop it. It is too bad that your happy childhood turned on to this, but it is what it is. You can chose distance and infrequent contact. I must say, I love that you rescued and love Old Dog.

    I am an animal lover too. Thanks for the rescue. If you were my daughter I would cherish you. It is not is your mother's sick enmeshment with dysfunctional brother. You are caring and kind.

    Maybe therapy to help you pull back and cope may help. Often an outsider perspective is the least emotional and makes the most sense.

    Wishing you well. Congrats on your marriage. Don't let this other stuff get in the way of your happiness!! Keep us updated.
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2016
  4. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Even, thank you for writing from the perspective of a sibling. Most of the accounts of difficult relationships on this site are written from the perspective of the parent, and I think it is important to recognize how one child in a family can really change the dynamics of how everyone relates.
    You want a normal relationship with your parents, particularly your mother. I would wager that since your mother is in the social sciences field, she almost can't help herself from trying to fix your brother. She probably thinks she is performing triage, i.e., the sickest gets the most attention.
    Unfortunately, it sounds like the more you point out how your mother's rescue is not really helping your brother to mature, the more your mother is going to see YOU as not participating in his getting better! She is spending so much energy trying to fix him that anyone getting in the way is probably perceived as being disloyal to the family.
    It sounds like your parents have hunkered down and are doing their best to avoid conflict with your brother. Let's hope they wise up before something bad happens.
    I wish you peace and happiness, you are doing the best you can. It sounds like you have a supportive husband. Keep posting, others will chime in.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome.ETDMO, I'm so sorry about your brother and his addictions. It sounds to me as if you are being scape-goated, which can be viewed as a broken family system where one person is singled out to take the blame for the dysfunction. Unfortunately, it sounds as if your mother and brother have deemed you with that title, so they don't have to take any responsibility. I'm sorry.

    There isn't anything you can do to change this dynamic, in my opinion. Enabling your brother has become your mothers main focus.
    Perhaps the best thing you can do is detach yourself as best you can and get support for your feelings, which you have every right to feel. It's a sad tale, often the difficult child gets all the attention from the parents and the other kids are left behind.

    You might try therapy, a 12 step group, a place where YOU can get the support and compassion you need, you didn't do anything must feel heart goes out to you.

    Keep posting, get support and if it feels right, read the article on detachment on the Parent Emeritus forum. I'm glad you're here......hang in there......
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Wow, Even, that is a lot of gobble de gook going on with your brother. I am sorry for your heartache over this and I can see why you would want to try to help. Problem is, we have no control over what adults choose, your bro, and parents are in deep. I agree with the others that you have been scapegoated, you are like the little boy yelling that the emporer is buck naked, and of course, your brother is going to turn the tables and make you the bad guy. He's got a perfect situation of enabling, why would he want you to come over and mess that up for him? Sadly, nothing changes, unless something changes. This is dysfunction beyond infinity.
    You are not the fixer upper here, dear. Though you would like things to be better in your parents home, they have to want that for themselves. You can still have somewhat of a relationship with your folks, but really at what cost?
    The detachment article is a good read for anyone who has dealt with an addicted family member and the resulting entanglement that comes along with that. Addiction is an illness, it not only affects the one inflicted, but also everyone that comes in contact.
    I am sorry you have been subjected to such craziness.
    The good thing is that you don't live there, have stability in your life, and a loving husband. Focus on you. That's what we have to do as parents of d cs. We all don't have any control over anyone else.
    Maybe you could see Mom or Dad occasionally on neutral ground, lunch, dinner?
    Hang in there and keep posting.
    I voted for avoid contact. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation. Take good care of you, pull back a bit and learn as much as you can. You deserve a peaceful life.
  7. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Your mother and father are competent to make their own decisions.

    All you can do is try to maintain whatever relationship you want with your mother and/or father outside of their home. Call your dad, invite them to your home or out to dinner, send cards or token gifts for occasions.

    In saying that, though, you really have to separate. If you don't want to hear abut your brother, and you don't want any part in his life you have to stop with the questioning and nagging about their relationship and enabling of him. No more asking why they allow this or do that for him. That is their business and their problem. It isn't your home and not your business how they run it or what behavior they allow.
    They aren't going to put him out and they aren't going to change their behavior no matter what you say or do. There is no point in continuing to harp on that point. It is just causing more incidences. Allow them to continue to live whatever life they choose, no matter how miserable it seems.

    It sounds to me like your brother has far worse problems than just addiction.
  8. EvenTheDogMovedOut

    EvenTheDogMovedOut New Member

    Thank you all... Wow...Spot on! Sharing my point of view as an adult sibling has been helpful - just writing it out. No need to read in it's entirety! :) It's calming to feel validated! For any siblings, feeling validated is a big deal! (adult or not). Just reading someone here write "What a mess". That's a breath of fresh air to me.

    I recognize I'm not a parent (except to dogs). After years of my brother's spiral, I step back and say "Ok, my parents aren't solving it, my brother isn't solving it.... I'm an adult-- how can I solve it?" And yes, my mom holds tighter to her son-- like a pit bull holding onto a steak. Because Mom or Son are not getting better in their Hitchcock Psycho set up. (Maybe I sound heartless, but it's like a really bad movie where the acting is atrocious and you no longer care about the characters). It's the sequel and it's really bad.

    I do have an amazingly supportive husband, my best friend. We laugh often and even find places to laugh in this family craziness. To be honest, finding humor is a major gift in surviving. My husband has given me the gift too of being pragmatic in this family vortex. Since I'm in my 30's and my brother's drugs/manipulating is very OLD news, a healthy distant perspective developed in myself long ago. I used to think he'd get better, I no longer believe that.

    It's the long term affects on my parents I witness now. I agree-- it's freeing to accept "They are allowing it and this is their choice-- however painful". This is true! My dad is really sick of it. He turns to me for support while my mom is trying to turn him against me. SCAPEGOAT-- That's me.

    I won't watch my mother doing the same thing she was doing 2, 5,10 years ago (with- her son). Since my brother's arrest and his 30 day rehab, that's when mom grew vicious toward me. It's a new thing to pull back on for myself. And I'm doing it.

    I could feel the guilt in just sharing this experience of my brother's addiction and my family. My mom would look down on me for sharing this-- it's a dark family secret. Most of her friends don't even know (very peripheral if so) My mom's brother- whom she is close to-- but lives out of state-- he would say something if he saw the bedroom and son situation. Of course, Mom is the one who goes to visit. No relatives come visit her house! They'd see the son and his room--- with the painted walls all crazy. (That's something that has disturbed me).

    My mom and I have mostly been close and kind of like 'friends'. Very different outlooks, but got along. For years I used to call my mom when I was anxious. I don't do that anymore. Even a therapist I saw several years ago picked up on how my mom needed me to be 'messed up'. The only time my mom was excited about something in my life was when I was anxious. Like I was a patient. Now with my "stable of stability" she's going nuts on me. When we announced getting married her reaction was akin to if we had said "Would you like a coffee?"

    As a psychologist, my Mom has NEVER ever been to see a therapist. She knows deep down if any professional peer assessed this situation with her son and her enabling, well, maybe her son would be in jail, or dead or homeless.

    Yea, my parents are choosing it and my Dad is allowing my mom to keep choosing to enable their son. And certainly, my brother doesn't want to see my husband or me. We see what's going on.

    I read the detachment article. Yep. See it for myself and how my parents are experiencing it too.I know my mom has always valued being close to me. My power is pulling the plug on any contact with her. (I've never done that full cold turkey for a long period of time). For me the battle is over. I've offered all I can. She doesn't get to talk to me with her son in the house. It's the long game, so you'll probably see me typing some more here.

    This week I'm just flushing this big turd down the toilet. I'll get beyond it.

    There are too many great things I want to keep accomplishing and there are many things that give me great joy. I keep doing that everyday.
    Thanks for listening!
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome and thank you for sharing.

    Here are my thoughts on your situation. It is my guess that your mom may be harboring guilt in that her son did not grow up to be a responsible adult and the fact that she is a psychologist may compound this. It's as if she is bound and determined to set the record straight that she is a good mother and will prove through her efforts that she can fix your brother.

    A mother's guilt coupled with the love for her child is a powerful force of nature. I have learned that difficult adult children can tap into that force and use it to their advantage.

    I am not a psychologist but will venture to say that your mom and brother have one of the worst cases of co-dependency.

    I truly appreciate how hard this is for you to witness. You clearly see that your brother is taking complete advantage of your parents and while your father does not like it, they both are allowing it. That being said, your dad seams to have some what of a level head in that he can see this isn't healthy. I would suggest that you have a chat with him away from the house. Here are some things you might consider discussing with him if you haven't already. I would preface it with your concern for his well being and that you are not just being noisy.
    How are your finances?
    Does brother have any access to your money that you are aware of?
    Does mom have access to all your accounts? (if so, this can be dangerous as brother could talk her into giving him money)
    Where is brother getting money to spend on his drugs and fireworks?
    Does brother know yours and moms social security numbers, bank account numbers, pin numbers, etc....?
    Are these things kept where he can snoop and find them?
    Do you and mom and have a will?
    Who it the executor?
    Are there any guns in the home?
    If something were to happen to you and mom what do you think will happen to brother? (our parents won't be around forever)

    I think you can see where I am going with these questions.

    Something else you might want to mention to your dad is if for any reason the police would be called to their home and they find drugs, your mom and dad may be held accountable and not your brother.

    One thing I know for sure, the more you try and get your mom to "see" how unhealthy this is, the more she will dig her heals in to prove you wrong.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to detach. We have no control over what others do, the only control we have is how we choose to respond.

    I am so sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you found us here.

    Please let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you...................................
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  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Very sad but I would stay as far away from this situation as I possibly could.

    Enjoy your life and enjoy your husband.

    Keep in touch with your parents because you do love them and see them at your home or another place but not at their home. I would never go back there. It sounds so depressing.

    Good luck.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ETDMO, I've had some similar experiences with difficult family members and it took me a long time to detach from the toxicity, negativity and insanity. Once that hurdle is dealt with, it all gets a lot easier. You seem to be really ready to make that leap, if you haven't already.......just a little bit of acknowledgement from others who know can mean everything, I know that gave me the courage and the initiative to move ahead.

    Good for you for sharing your they say in the 12 step groups, "you're only as sick as your secrets" and you've blown up the secret now, so you're 'liberated' from the family system.......sending a big hug.....
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    1. Are we allowed to write/type WT X ?
    2. I couldn't read all of this. I stopped 3/4 down.

    3. Consider a separate relationship with your parents until she (mostly your mom, I gather) can make some improvements with this MESS

    4. If it causes you anguish , consider short term therapy for yourself

    5. Parents might consider attending some Family Anonymous Meetings

    6. Congrats to you on having your own business and understanding that this is bizarre, enabling behaviors. Detach as much as possible!

    Note to regulars: I did not mean to quote the post and it seem to do that. How do I prevent this in the future? Thanks.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2016
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey Nomie, that quote the whole thing happens to me on my phone when I press the quote button accidentally.
    I have written WTF Really it could mean anything like where's the French toast?
    ETDMO, you have a good head on your shoulders. Stay strong girl!
  14. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I feel for you, this is a painful situation. Unfortunately, the only person's whose response you can change or redirect is your own.
  15. EvenTheDogMovedOut

    EvenTheDogMovedOut New Member

    Thank you very much for all of this. I printed out your questions. This is why I will have a meeting with my father to discuss. All of this has been on my mind.
    I really appreciate your message and all others. Take Care
  16. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    You know what? I wouldn't even go there. I would step away from absolutely anything that is not a direct safety concern.

    I don't mean to be harsh, but this will sound harsh, and I do apologize, but if your parents are mentally competent how they handle their financial affairs is none of your business.

    The only thing that I would ascertain is if there are weapons in the house to which he has access and if your father feels safe in his home. Questions about finances and how or if they are supporting your brother will just look like another attempt to criticize. Just let it go.

    If your father states that he feels unsafe or that he has been abused and/or threatened then I would put a call in to adult protective services in their county for a well-being check and I would offer your father a safe refuge in your home if you are willing to do so, but the financial issues are their concern and problem. If they choose to allow your brother to bankrupt them then that is their choice to make.

    Stay as far away, emotionally and physically from the problem as possible. It is an unhealthy environment and they will only drag you down with them. You can't fix this.
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  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Please keep away. Your mom may never see what you see. You have a wonderful and loving husband, that relationship is all you need.
  18. EvenTheDogMovedOut

    EvenTheDogMovedOut New Member

    Again thank you for your replies. It's the first time I've ever shared this family situation and gotten some outside objective opinions.

    In mention of staying away from the family except in situation of physical danger:
    If a stranger were financially fleecing & manipulating my elder parents, I would step in immediately. So would anybody else?

    So what is the line between physical abuse, emotional abuse and financial abuse?

    Many of you as parents have mentioned the powerful force of loving one's child to the point of personal bankruptcy, and for a long time, not seeing the magnitude of the problem.

    The idea that your love is fixing the child. That is what is happening in my family.

    There is family money involved here that is supposed to be coming to extended family members. This is not a simple, walk away and let my parents finances sink. My mom has control of this money (not liquid assets). That puts it in jeopardy for everyone. This week I have alerted extended family members of the situation.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    ETDMO, only you know your situation best. The advice you get here is opinions of caring folks who have been there, done that and offer suggestions according to their own experience. We all have to travel our paths and be able to honestly look at ourselves in the mirror.
    I think the worse part of addiction is the secrecy involved. It just adds to the problem.
    I think it is good that you are posting here and receiving different reactions and thoughts to your family's challenges. Then you make decisions that work for you. Hopefully, since you have notified other family members of your concerns, they will be able to help you.
    Take care and keep posting, it really helps.
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I care too. And i understand about wanting to step in. But if the money is not in your care, there is no way to step in. This also goes for any type of abuse. You can try elder care but I am guessing that if your parents are of sound mind and are consciously deciding to put up with this, they will not interfer.

    You got good advice. Live your own life the best ypu can because there is way to change anything and your parents are not listening g to you. Not worth your angst as you have gone the distance. There is no more available to you. You can be peaceful that you have done your best.

    I'm glad you survived this. Please move on. You are deserving of a good life. You tried all you can. The rest have to learn or not learn on their own.

    Big hugs for your golden heart.