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Post Rehab, Brother 31, Living at Home Doping, Mom Enabling. Family Split. point of view: Concerned Daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="EvenTheDogMovedOut" data-source="post: 702340" data-attributes="member: 20911"><p>35 days of NO Contact with my mother or addict sibling. Very low contact with my father. He is a shell. Like a ship has capsized and tells me "You're on your own". He is emotionally absent. Nothing happening to me matters. But he too is distancing himself except on the weekend when he goes home to my mother (co-dependent) with co-dependent son and also a hoarder (mother). She is ALWAYS in a bad mood and huffs around the house and buys lots of hunks of Swiss cheese. She's so absent and mean. I want happiness for her, but she's never done a fun thing in her life. I'm out of it. </p><p></p><p>During this time I come to understand my mother is a Narcissist NARCISSIST NARCISSIST. This is an important topic for probably many people on this board. This was caused by a massive trauma in her childhood, so I know where it stems from, but the point is she never got help. Well some people sit in therapy for 20 years and don't change, so who really knows. </p><p>I come to understand that half of my brother's problems were caused by my mother. But even he in his addiction can't see how this all happened. </p><p></p><p>Here in my 30's I'm experiencing a lot of grief, it's like my parents are just gone from this planet, only it's worst because suffering continues. Not my problem. But truly difficult as I struggle with my own business and I can never GO HOME again. Ever. No one hears a word I say. No one sees how hard I try or work. No one sees that I have vision. </p><p>My husband and my mother in law are the last 2 people on earth I can count on. </p><p></p><p>In 35 days I am doing better, but saw my father which prompted this post. </p><p>I realize my mother has spent years trying to keep me in a web. Trying to prove how crazy I am. Thriving when I am miserable. Reminding me of every mistake I have ever made. Finally I know that she never loved me.</p><p></p><p>And lucky for me I found the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers -- Read that part about "Triangulation". Wow. That's my mother. She has baited my sibling and I against one another. She's happy that we don't get along and oddly in the few times without her, my brother and I actually got along. I even have pictures of my brother and I together. This is very sad for me yet interesting how my perception is shifting in not speaking to my mother. Now I see it's her fault not my brothers. Who cares? I'm out of the picture! </p><p></p><p>I realize why growing my business has been so incredibly difficult for me as one person with no family support and no investment. Everything I have done alone. And my mother just martyrs herself with her son. Reactions to anything I have done is 'meh'.</p><p></p><p>So in 35 days NO CONTACT I come to be less angry at my(benzo recovery? lotta dope instead) brother and more angry at my mother. She loves being miserable and in chaos. </p><p></p><p>So yea, not much to say back here to me other than 'keep away'. "Live your own life"... </p><p>'Find joy with your husband". I do appreciate everyone's comments. And value adding more value to this board in sharing my adult sibling experience. It's amazing how many people have gone through this. Addiction, narcissism, estrangement from family you were once close to!</p><p></p><p>I recognize I'm an adult in my 30's, it's still incredibly challenging and saddening to see what has unfolded in my family. It is very scary for me to know I can never go home again. That in an emergency I have no where to go. That my parents don't care if I end up in a ditch. After trying so hard for so many years at being a good person and working on myself. And struggling for professional success. College educated. Done a lot of volunteer work. Made a lot of things happen alone. I will NEVER speak to my mother again. Never because I get nothing from knowing her except pain. </p><p></p><p>These 35 days of NO CONTACT I've gone through a lot of grief. I don't need counseling, I know where it's all at. I just experience grief like a death in waves. In a world that is already challenging, in an economy that is challenging, there is nothing like being thrown away by immediate family. </p><p></p><p>My mother never contacts me at all. Nothing. No text or email even. I deleted her off my phone. (HIGHLY unusual behavior from her). In fact never has this happened. She sits in co-dependency with her son. I guess my brother hasn't figured out what I have. He is NOT that messed up anymore from the Benzo addiction. He is just milking this co-dependent relationship to the detriment of himself. And mom wants it like this.</p><p></p><p>Once my brother went to a therapist a couple years back and the therapist asked him "Why dont you want to grow up?" </p><p>And I finally recognize the answer is "Because my mom won't let me".</p><p></p><p>So everyone in my family is just on a freaking life boat. Alone. Bitter and Mean. </p><p>I used to think it was other families that were messed up like Mom said "so and so and other people". But now I am awake to the fact that my parents hardly gave me any advantage in life for anything. </p><p></p><p>I also know my mom hates that I got married and my husband is an incredibly kind man. Supportive of me while we both work off our butts trying to make a living, with a lay off that also affected us, yes the over educated underpaid. Go entrepreneurial and figure out how to "sell air" while your parents spiral downward with your brother. The fall out of drug addiction or unaddressed childhood trauma that becomes narcissism is truly extreme in a ripple affect. I walk down the street crying from all of this. And then other moments I'm okay and will get through it. </p><p></p><p>My relationship with my mother has forever been changed by the absence of her. I will never forgive her. She will never be a part of my life. And the success I have, is only thanks to myself and a supportive husband. This kind of thing is irrevocable. I remind myself I will always remember-- from the sibling point of view, the pain my mother has caused and spiraled in my family. I am near cutting off contact with my father as well because it was upsetting seeing him. Now he doesn't even to to be with the dog. It's like he's being emotionally abused by my mother. She even dictates when and WHO cuts his hair!!!! This really ticks me off. Never in all my 30 something years did I think I would become estranged from my immediate family. I'm tougher than all of them. Even my husband would second that. Even if I cry, I'm still stronger and have done great things they will never do. Because I've triumphed over so much pain from my family, they don't get to know me. I'm so proud of myself - Forget thanksgiving. Forget Christmas. Forget birthdays. Forget my parents and forget my addict brother. They are all a shipwreck and I'm swimming into port my entire world has shifted and I know there's no support from them. Even with a great husband, this is hard. </p><p></p><p>Some family members who read this, should know there is a lot of online support in going NO CONTACT. I didn't even know that was a term. For many including myself, my health is better without them. Thanks!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="EvenTheDogMovedOut, post: 702340, member: 20911"] 35 days of NO Contact with my mother or addict sibling. Very low contact with my father. He is a shell. Like a ship has capsized and tells me "You're on your own". He is emotionally absent. Nothing happening to me matters. But he too is distancing himself except on the weekend when he goes home to my mother (co-dependent) with co-dependent son and also a hoarder (mother). She is ALWAYS in a bad mood and huffs around the house and buys lots of hunks of Swiss cheese. She's so absent and mean. I want happiness for her, but she's never done a fun thing in her life. I'm out of it. During this time I come to understand my mother is a Narcissist NARCISSIST NARCISSIST. This is an important topic for probably many people on this board. This was caused by a massive trauma in her childhood, so I know where it stems from, but the point is she never got help. Well some people sit in therapy for 20 years and don't change, so who really knows. I come to understand that half of my brother's problems were caused by my mother. But even he in his addiction can't see how this all happened. Here in my 30's I'm experiencing a lot of grief, it's like my parents are just gone from this planet, only it's worst because suffering continues. Not my problem. But truly difficult as I struggle with my own business and I can never GO HOME again. Ever. No one hears a word I say. No one sees how hard I try or work. No one sees that I have vision. My husband and my mother in law are the last 2 people on earth I can count on. In 35 days I am doing better, but saw my father which prompted this post. I realize my mother has spent years trying to keep me in a web. Trying to prove how crazy I am. Thriving when I am miserable. Reminding me of every mistake I have ever made. Finally I know that she never loved me. And lucky for me I found the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers -- Read that part about "Triangulation". Wow. That's my mother. She has baited my sibling and I against one another. She's happy that we don't get along and oddly in the few times without her, my brother and I actually got along. I even have pictures of my brother and I together. This is very sad for me yet interesting how my perception is shifting in not speaking to my mother. Now I see it's her fault not my brothers. Who cares? I'm out of the picture! I realize why growing my business has been so incredibly difficult for me as one person with no family support and no investment. Everything I have done alone. And my mother just martyrs herself with her son. Reactions to anything I have done is 'meh'. So in 35 days NO CONTACT I come to be less angry at my(benzo recovery? lotta dope instead) brother and more angry at my mother. She loves being miserable and in chaos. So yea, not much to say back here to me other than 'keep away'. "Live your own life"... 'Find joy with your husband". I do appreciate everyone's comments. And value adding more value to this board in sharing my adult sibling experience. It's amazing how many people have gone through this. Addiction, narcissism, estrangement from family you were once close to! I recognize I'm an adult in my 30's, it's still incredibly challenging and saddening to see what has unfolded in my family. It is very scary for me to know I can never go home again. That in an emergency I have no where to go. That my parents don't care if I end up in a ditch. After trying so hard for so many years at being a good person and working on myself. And struggling for professional success. College educated. Done a lot of volunteer work. Made a lot of things happen alone. I will NEVER speak to my mother again. Never because I get nothing from knowing her except pain. These 35 days of NO CONTACT I've gone through a lot of grief. I don't need counseling, I know where it's all at. I just experience grief like a death in waves. In a world that is already challenging, in an economy that is challenging, there is nothing like being thrown away by immediate family. My mother never contacts me at all. Nothing. No text or email even. I deleted her off my phone. (HIGHLY unusual behavior from her). In fact never has this happened. She sits in co-dependency with her son. I guess my brother hasn't figured out what I have. He is NOT that messed up anymore from the Benzo addiction. He is just milking this co-dependent relationship to the detriment of himself. And mom wants it like this. Once my brother went to a therapist a couple years back and the therapist asked him "Why dont you want to grow up?" And I finally recognize the answer is "Because my mom won't let me". So everyone in my family is just on a freaking life boat. Alone. Bitter and Mean. I used to think it was other families that were messed up like Mom said "so and so and other people". But now I am awake to the fact that my parents hardly gave me any advantage in life for anything. I also know my mom hates that I got married and my husband is an incredibly kind man. Supportive of me while we both work off our butts trying to make a living, with a lay off that also affected us, yes the over educated underpaid. Go entrepreneurial and figure out how to "sell air" while your parents spiral downward with your brother. The fall out of drug addiction or unaddressed childhood trauma that becomes narcissism is truly extreme in a ripple affect. I walk down the street crying from all of this. And then other moments I'm okay and will get through it. My relationship with my mother has forever been changed by the absence of her. I will never forgive her. She will never be a part of my life. And the success I have, is only thanks to myself and a supportive husband. This kind of thing is irrevocable. I remind myself I will always remember-- from the sibling point of view, the pain my mother has caused and spiraled in my family. I am near cutting off contact with my father as well because it was upsetting seeing him. Now he doesn't even to to be with the dog. It's like he's being emotionally abused by my mother. She even dictates when and WHO cuts his hair!!!! This really ticks me off. Never in all my 30 something years did I think I would become estranged from my immediate family. I'm tougher than all of them. Even my husband would second that. Even if I cry, I'm still stronger and have done great things they will never do. Because I've triumphed over so much pain from my family, they don't get to know me. I'm so proud of myself - Forget thanksgiving. Forget Christmas. Forget birthdays. Forget my parents and forget my addict brother. They are all a shipwreck and I'm swimming into port my entire world has shifted and I know there's no support from them. Even with a great husband, this is hard. Some family members who read this, should know there is a lot of online support in going NO CONTACT. I didn't even know that was a term. For many including myself, my health is better without them. Thanks! [/QUOTE]
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