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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753549" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is exactly my experience.</p><p></p><p>I did kick out my son for a number of years. At least 3, in one stretch. And in the last 4 or 5 years I would guess he has lived with me or in a property I own maybe a third of the time.</p><p></p><p>I will say that not one thing I did worked, to get him to change or to conform to anything I wanted for him or myself.</p><p></p><p>But I will say two things.</p><p></p><p>I think that having the support of somebody who loves you, being accountable in a relationship, has an effect. I am seeing changes in my son over the years, the last couple in particular. He is more stable. Less reactive. Can show compassion and kindness. He is less governed by his wacky beliefs and does not impose them on me nearly as much. Say 95 percent less.</p><p></p><p>I believe that being closer to me and to how I live has a moderating effect. I think I can act to channel him in certain ways. I can't control what he does or how he does it. I can't motivate him or make him want what I want. But by my presence in his life I think I can make a floor. And when he is away from me, he has fallen and fallen. Some of this may never be recouped. I don't think I was wrong to push him out. I don't see how he would have developed, otherwise. But I am seeing there is a middle ground. But it's tough for sure.</p><p></p><p>My son is ill. Through denial I was able to tolerate his being homeless and not taking his medication. But I have to face that by having him live near me, I can pull for him to take care of his health, and to face the reality of his illness. Instead of both of us with our heads in the sand.</p><p></p><p>There is no right or wrong thing to do. There is no one thing that works. There are costs each way you look at it. I think that it even can change day to day. How many times here have I posted threads, "<em>I kicked my son out</em>?" Many, many times.</p><p></p><p>I am like JP.<em> I can't take it anymore. </em>But I am like Wise, too. And I believe that it is worth it. There is no illusion anymore that I can change anything. But I choose to be in relationship with my son where we both feel I am present in his life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753549, member: 18958"] This is exactly my experience. I did kick out my son for a number of years. At least 3, in one stretch. And in the last 4 or 5 years I would guess he has lived with me or in a property I own maybe a third of the time. I will say that not one thing I did worked, to get him to change or to conform to anything I wanted for him or myself. But I will say two things. I think that having the support of somebody who loves you, being accountable in a relationship, has an effect. I am seeing changes in my son over the years, the last couple in particular. He is more stable. Less reactive. Can show compassion and kindness. He is less governed by his wacky beliefs and does not impose them on me nearly as much. Say 95 percent less. I believe that being closer to me and to how I live has a moderating effect. I think I can act to channel him in certain ways. I can't control what he does or how he does it. I can't motivate him or make him want what I want. But by my presence in his life I think I can make a floor. And when he is away from me, he has fallen and fallen. Some of this may never be recouped. I don't think I was wrong to push him out. I don't see how he would have developed, otherwise. But I am seeing there is a middle ground. But it's tough for sure. My son is ill. Through denial I was able to tolerate his being homeless and not taking his medication. But I have to face that by having him live near me, I can pull for him to take care of his health, and to face the reality of his illness. Instead of both of us with our heads in the sand. There is no right or wrong thing to do. There is no one thing that works. There are costs each way you look at it. I think that it even can change day to day. How many times here have I posted threads, "[I]I kicked my son out[/I]?" Many, many times. I am like JP.[I] I can't take it anymore. [/I]But I am like Wise, too. And I believe that it is worth it. There is no illusion anymore that I can change anything. But I choose to be in relationship with my son where we both feel I am present in his life. [/QUOTE]
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