Susie,
To a point I think your therapist is correct. You don't owe him any explanation AND unless he would be willing to sit in therapy with just you and him and dedicate himself to healing his relationship with you once a week in therapy for the next 10 years I see nothing that will be accomplished by drudging up the past WITH him.
Drudging up YOUR past with a qualified therapist so that you can work through your issues with him and your parents is quite another thing. YOU are dedicated to putting your life in perspective. You can't fix anyone else - but you can improve yourself or at least find a peace you can live with regarding your past and your family as they are now.
I don't see why you would waste your time to be accomodating and set out any boundaries now with your brother. Vomiting into a bowl with him in the house to me said - IRREGARDLESS of what you show him, tell him it's not going to be any different.....he's going to do what he wants when he wants to do it. Short of not greeting him outside on the lawn and saying TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY I'm GOING BACK IN MY HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO GO HOME? Once you open the door? He's going to come in.
As far as your parents? They were the parents of a major difficult child and were in denial and I see that hasn't changed much in 40 years. Again - you can't fix them or even make them understand. YOu can draw a line in the sand and say your peace about your home boundaries - and preface it with "I am a grown woman and I don't need to give you or anyone else an explanation for what I do in my home - however: >>>>>>>>..and fill in your blanks."
I think I would work with my therapist to find a real solution to this since she's aware of what you had to suffer through. YOu need to make a statement to your brother that will stop him from unwelcomed visits and make you feel empowered to keep it that way.
Your Mom and Dad didn't have to live your life - you did. They should be able to deny what you're doing as well as they did your difficult child bro's behaviors for years. Not?
