Problem with gfgbro

[susiestar]

Gfgbro has NO idea of the abusive things he has done to me in the past. My therapist says that I have NO responsibility to tell him these things. I really do NOT want a relationship with him beyond Christmas and birthday parties at my parents house.

He came over the other day to measure my laundry room for shelves. a nice gesture. But I had a migraine and was vomiting. I TOLD him that. He came anyway.

AFTER he was done measuring he ordered Jess to do something and with her knee and back she shouldn't have done it. So she tried to explain we are dealing with problems and she can't. He had a raving fit! Totally went OFF on her. On a 13yo girl!!!

I came out, holding a bowl and vomiting, and asked him to please leave. He said I was faking it. (Yeah, I fake puke all the time. NOT.)

How can I get across to the family that seeing him at mom & dad's house is MORE than enough? He pesters me all the time to tell him what he did.

I don't know if he doesn't remember or refuses to remember, but I know if I tell him the worst stuff he will kill himself. Not joking in any way. He will kill himself. and he has a daughter that needs him - her mom is totally unstable about 1/3 of the time.

I think he is drinking, or at least on a dry drunk. If I say ANYTHING to my mom she instantly places the blame on someone else - even the weather! If I talk to my dad he just shrugs. And if I talk to my bro, well, that is a HUGE fight and I am not up to it.

do I write a letter to him? He keeps asking me if i think he is some kind of monster. I think he USED to be a monster, but has changed somewhat.

I am frustrated, stymied, and confused.

Any ideas?

 

[ML]

I think you have to be firmer with boundaries. Next time he comes over without being invited don't let him in the house. You need to protect yourself and your family from him. I think it's great you can manage to deal with Christmas and birthdays but you do not have to invite him into your life more than that. I'm sorry he went off on Jess, she didn't need that carp with everything else she has going on.

Sending you gentle hugs xo ML

 

[crazymama30]

If he calls first, don't answer the phone. Get caller ID. Can you have your husband talk to him, or maybe say that husband wants to do or be in charge of doing the laundry room shelves or whatever it is, as otherwise husband feels like his man hood is being threatened or whatever excuse will work? It sounds like your bro is trying to be helpful, but he is a jerk in the process. He sounds like a very toxic person.

 

[totoro]

Oh I am sorry you are dealing with his issues.
I hate that you have to walk on eggshells to accommodate him.
I think the boundaries need to be set also. I think it is beyond you rehashing all of the past.
If he hasn't figured by now he wont get it. If your health and Jess' is getting affected he needs to stop.
If you are afraid her will hurt himself, I wouldn't bring up the past. I would tell him that it is just that, the past.
Maybe tell him, you are both grown adults, have your own lives etc. You just live your life differently and have strange quirks. Maybe tell him with age you now need peace and maybe it is all in your head but you just don't feel well.
Even if it is a fib, maybe it will get him off of your back.
He doesn't have to like your needs but they are your needs, maybe you can tell him that.
Sorry, my brother is a difficult child also and I have a hard time talking about this kind of stuff also.

 

[Hound dog]

I have 2 very difficult child brothers and suffered far too much at the hands of both of them as a child. Therapy let me deal with it and get past it. It wasn't necessary to confront either brother to do it.

Odds are your difficult child brother doesn't "get" it because he simply doesn't want to get it. I doubt he's forgotten the past anymore than you have. But if he can pretend it all ok, and it really wasn't all that "bad", then that's the way it was. A stick your head in the sand sort of approach. By asking you to tell him what he did that was so terrible.....is his attempt to belittle the abuse. He knows you won't call him on it. Or at least he's banking you won't. If you don't give him an answer, it re-inforces that you're simply making a huge deal out of nothing.

In other words.....you're the one with the problem.

I dunno. Somehow you've got to set up boundaries and make him stick to it. It doesn't matter if he or the rest of the family agrees or even likes it. Maybe your therapist can help you come up with ideas?

My eldest brother I have not had a relationship with since I left home. I have no desire for one. I can be polite on the extreme rare occasion when we see each other. Ummmmmm last time I think was....more than 15 yrs ago. I've spoken with him on the phone as he's been "reaching" out of late. I'm polite and don't make nice conversation. I do nothing to prolong the contact and so it last maybe 3 mins tops. He can reach out all he wants......but I don't like the person he is, even as an adult, and want no relationship.

Younger brother is sort of the same thing although not quite as severe. He did alot of changing with adulthood. I see him occasionally, although it's also fairly rare. I do talk more to him on the phone.....and we can talk alot. But a close relationship?? Naw. Not gonna happen.

I live 2 states away from my family for a reason. That was the boundary I set. My Mom came here to visit......and sisters. My younger brother has been a couple of times. But I control visits, most especially with my sibs.

And you know what? Everyone wants to know what my problem is. Ok. So like they all actually know what the problem is.........they just like to pretend if they act like nothing happened, then all will be just hunky dory.

You know.......head in the sand syndrome.

Meanwhile my mother stews about how come all my neices and nephews are so darned messed up.....yet my kids, even the difficult children, have turned out ok. Well, gee.......I wonder. lol

 

[susiestar]

I WISH my bro lived in another state. When he used to come visit us when we lived out of state he came even if we said "No." Just showed up. After the visit when Jess was about 18months he really wasn't welcome but husband & I caved at my parents' insistence. During the visit when Jess was 18 months he put BEER in a baby bottle for her because she woke up in the night! Really heavy dark beer. Then he hid the bottle under the couch and TURNED THE CRIB AROUND SO WE WOULDN'T SEE WHERE SHE HAD VOMITED DOWN THE OUTSIDE OF IT!!

He didn't even change her clothes. left her to sleep in clothes covered in vomit until I got up. I was furious when I found her laying in vomit, and more furious when I found the crib turned around later (didn't see it right away because neither side lowered). My parents told me I was making too big a deal out of it.

when she was 4 he tried to give her Skoal. It was excused as "he was just trying to tease you, to get your goat. He wouldn't have REALLY given it to her." This is what my mom said. I kicked him out of the house. He was visiting and there were plenty of other relatives who lived nearby.

He wants to know all the stuff from childhood (some of it was done during drunk blackouts - I truly believe that - he started having blackouts when he drank at age 13 or 14. My parents didn't find out until he went to AA in his THIRTIES!) so that he can "make amends". but telling him all the stuff and facing his disbelief would be harmful to ME.

Meanwhile, my mom thinks I am holding a "grudge" because I won't just forget and make it so it never happened. Somehow she things forgiving someone means you trust them completely and the thing never happened. But ONLY when it comes to Bro and Wiz. With Jess and I anything we do is brought up over and over again for years, sometimes decades.

Bro will make a big deal over not being allowed in unless husband is here. But that is tough.

I just learned today that he called 2x and jess told him that "Mom is asleep and I don't have anything to say to you." and hung up before he could speak. Good for her!

I will have to write down the limits as best I can. And stick to the "only when husband is here" because both of my younger kids are and have been afraid of him.

Wiz is over being afraid, he just doesn't like him.

Thanks for the support.

 

[Hound dog]

Susie.......all I hear from my Mom is when are all her kids going to get together for a family reunion. All 5, in the same place at the same time. Last time was 22 yrs ago....and that turned out to be a nitemare. She carries on that I don't see my brothers. And I let it run in one ear and out the other. The family reunion I have no desire for and tell her so point blank. She also begs me to come home which is basically the same thing but I still say no.

In short, I don't let her guilt me into doing what I don't feel comfortable doing. If that makes me the bad guy, then so be it.

Honestly, I don't think I could handle living in the same state with my family. Short visits can be overwhelming enough. And I spend a good 2 days explaining certain behavior with just that. ugh

Not letting bro over unless husband is there is a good idea. Stand firm. Once you start getting the hang of the boundary thing....it does get easier to set more into place.

Hugs

 

[Star*]

Susie,

To a point I think your therapist is correct. You don't owe him any explanation AND unless he would be willing to sit in therapy with just you and him and dedicate himself to healing his relationship with you once a week in therapy for the next 10 years I see nothing that will be accomplished by drudging up the past WITH him.

Drudging up YOUR past with a qualified therapist so that you can work through your issues with him and your parents is quite another thing. YOU are dedicated to putting your life in perspective. You can't fix anyone else - but you can improve yourself or at least find a peace you can live with regarding your past and your family as they are now.

I don't see why you would waste your time to be accomodating and set out any boundaries now with your brother. Vomiting into a bowl with him in the house to me said - IRREGARDLESS of what you show him, tell him it's not going to be any different.....he's going to do what he wants when he wants to do it. Short of not greeting him outside on the lawn and saying TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY I'm GOING BACK IN MY HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO GO HOME? Once you open the door? He's going to come in.

As far as your parents? They were the parents of a major difficult child and were in denial and I see that hasn't changed much in 40 years. Again - you can't fix them or even make them understand. YOu can draw a line in the sand and say your peace about your home boundaries - and preface it with "I am a grown woman and I don't need to give you or anyone else an explanation for what I do in my home - however: >>>>>>>>..and fill in your blanks."

I think I would work with my therapist to find a real solution to this since she's aware of what you had to suffer through. YOu need to make a statement to your brother that will stop him from unwelcomed visits and make you feel empowered to keep it that way.

Your Mom and Dad didn't have to live your life - you did. They should be able to deny what you're doing as well as they did your difficult child bro's behaviors for years. Not?

 

[susiestar]

Daisy, you have very good points. Star, you manage to get to the essence of things and say it so clearly. I am going to print out this thread and keep it to refer to.

Thank you. While I know much of this, sometimes I NEED to hear it from someone else, esp after a period of time with my parents. While my aunt was here both she and my mom slipped in all sorts of comments about gfgbro.

Have a great night!

 

[totoro]

It's hard to see clearly when you feel like you are up against the wall.
Family can put you on the defensive so easily! Make you regress so quickly... Especially when it is Mom. Mom and Aunt ganging up on you, not a good feeling.
Just remember they no longer have any real power over you, any of them.
You have come so far.