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<blockquote data-quote="startingfresh" data-source="post: 729048" data-attributes="member: 22380"><p>Welcome hope2hope. My 18 year old son decided not to go to college and was living at home working a full time job. He was also smoking weed and who knows what else and refusing any help. I have younger children at home too that were affected by his choices. We set boundaries which he always seemed to find a way around. He was not getting anywhere fast. He paid us rent but that just gave him more nerve to push the limits.</p><p>We finally asked him to move out.</p><p></p><p> Things got very bad and very scary when he was on his own. I was terrified for him but there was nothing I could do short of continuing to make it easy for him to ruin his life. After about a week of feeling very alone, he began to call us and tell us that he didn't want to continue his life in the direction it was headed. That he was very sorry for all of his bs. I don't know what the exact motivation was but I feel it was as combination of realizing that he was very ALONE, didn't have any other options, and he hit rock bottom. I have some details of what that rock bottom was and many other details are a mystery. It highlights to me how bad things had gotten and living here was softening the impact of his really bad choices. He was so off that his boss took notice and stepped in. It was kind of like the mask of pretending all was well was ripped off. He has begun opening up to people about things and cut out all of the bad influences out. He asked to get back on medication for anxiety and depression. He found a room to rent and is doing very well. I am cautiously optimistic. I remember back when son was in treatment at 15, we were told to find him a mentor when he got home. Someone that he could look up to and keep him focused on good things. I had no idea where to find one but 3 years later, his boss became one. Perhaps there is someone he can talk with that is not a therapist but just someone who cares?</p><p></p><p>There are no easy answers you do what you can live with. I have known he needed to "be liberated to live live on his terms" (thanks Tanya M love that) for over a year but he was a minor and needed to finish hs. Once he turned 18 , it still took me 10 more months. I know if we continued to enable our son, he would not have changed. He is one of those people who has to experience things for himself, no one can tell him a thing. And for us enabling meant living here. It was like a game of cat and mouse. We spent so much energy trying to be one step ahead of him, it was exhausting. </p><p></p><p>Last night my youngest told me that she remembers how awful the past few years were with son and how when she would begin to hear him yelling she would feel like her body was collapsing. I knew the younger ones were suffering but I couldn't get out of my head that I needed to help him and that asking him to move out wasn't what a mom would do. Ugh just ugh.</p><p></p><p>Good luck to you. This is so hard but so many here can help with their experiences.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="startingfresh, post: 729048, member: 22380"] Welcome hope2hope. My 18 year old son decided not to go to college and was living at home working a full time job. He was also smoking weed and who knows what else and refusing any help. I have younger children at home too that were affected by his choices. We set boundaries which he always seemed to find a way around. He was not getting anywhere fast. He paid us rent but that just gave him more nerve to push the limits. We finally asked him to move out. Things got very bad and very scary when he was on his own. I was terrified for him but there was nothing I could do short of continuing to make it easy for him to ruin his life. After about a week of feeling very alone, he began to call us and tell us that he didn't want to continue his life in the direction it was headed. That he was very sorry for all of his bs. I don't know what the exact motivation was but I feel it was as combination of realizing that he was very ALONE, didn't have any other options, and he hit rock bottom. I have some details of what that rock bottom was and many other details are a mystery. It highlights to me how bad things had gotten and living here was softening the impact of his really bad choices. He was so off that his boss took notice and stepped in. It was kind of like the mask of pretending all was well was ripped off. He has begun opening up to people about things and cut out all of the bad influences out. He asked to get back on medication for anxiety and depression. He found a room to rent and is doing very well. I am cautiously optimistic. I remember back when son was in treatment at 15, we were told to find him a mentor when he got home. Someone that he could look up to and keep him focused on good things. I had no idea where to find one but 3 years later, his boss became one. Perhaps there is someone he can talk with that is not a therapist but just someone who cares? There are no easy answers you do what you can live with. I have known he needed to "be liberated to live live on his terms" (thanks Tanya M love that) for over a year but he was a minor and needed to finish hs. Once he turned 18 , it still took me 10 more months. I know if we continued to enable our son, he would not have changed. He is one of those people who has to experience things for himself, no one can tell him a thing. And for us enabling meant living here. It was like a game of cat and mouse. We spent so much energy trying to be one step ahead of him, it was exhausting. Last night my youngest told me that she remembers how awful the past few years were with son and how when she would begin to hear him yelling she would feel like her body was collapsing. I knew the younger ones were suffering but I couldn't get out of my head that I needed to help him and that asking him to move out wasn't what a mom would do. Ugh just ugh. Good luck to you. This is so hard but so many here can help with their experiences. [/QUOTE]
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