Geez some days I really wonder if it's worth continuing to fight just to survive. hmmm, where to begin, well first off let me say I'm not happy to be back here lol.. I love ya all and I think about everyone often but ug!!!!!! I wish I didn't need these forums! I wish I could just enjoy being a mother instead of fearing bedtime because I know in a couple of hours I'll have to wake up and do it all over again. I finally managed to get some help with my oldest difficult child, well some help maybe an overstatement but at least for now I can sleep sound knowing he's not going to sneak in my room and do anything terrible. However this post isn't about him, I'll save that for another day. This time it's my youngest son (age 10) he's never been diagnosed with any disorders and when he's at school or visiting his Dads he's perfect. However when he comes home it's like a war zone. I'll give an example of just one day, actually I'll use today for my example. 8:00am (me) B, you need to get dressed and ready to go since you'll be coming into work with me this morning. (B) starts crying, and says he doesn't want to come with me. (me) I know you don't want to come with me, but since yesterday I had to leave work early because you refused to listen to the sitter, today you'll have to come with me. (B) NO! I DONT WANT TO GO!!!! I HATE YOU, YOU'RE SO MEAN YOU FREAKEN IDIOT!!!! (me) B... (death breath) I hear you loud and clear, you don't want to come with me to work, I'm guessing because you think it's going to be really boring. (B) (still crying) IT'S NOT FAIR! I DON'T WANT TO GO, I PROMISE I'LL LISTEN THIS TIME! JUST LET ME STAY HOOOOOOOME!!! (me) B... I'm leaving this morning at 9:30am, I expect you to be ready by the time I leave or you'll come along with me anyways, even if you're still in your PJ's (B) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! No! NO! NO! I'm not going! I hate you! PLEASE I PROMISE I'LL LISTEN THIS TIME IF YOU JUST LET ME STAY HOME!!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR! EVERYONE HATES ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DIDN'T LISTEN! (me) B, I'm not going to discuss this right now, I will not try to reason with anyone that is going to yell at me. (B) tries to follow me into my room, but I close the door....MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not going... and you can't make me! (begins kicking my door) (me) Okay thats enough! now I'm angry, I have the right to take a time out when I'm angry and you DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO YELL AND SCREAM AND KICK MY DOOR! Now you will need to go to your room RIGHT NOW! (B) (smirks) No! I'm not going to my room, and I'm not going to work with you! (turns to his younger sister) Move you stupid idiot!!!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!! (me) (by this time about 35 minutes have elapsed since this fight started) B, I can't take this any more! I'm sick of being yelled at, I'm sick of you yelling at others in the home! and quite frankly right now I'm sick of you. You really need to leave me alone and let me calm down. (B) NO! (now starts the pleeding) Mom I'm begging you! please please please don't make me go.. Mom... MOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! are you listening| to me???? DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!! MOM ANSWER ME!!!!! (ME) (I walk out of my room and start heading towards him) B!!!! GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!! (B) OKAY!!!!! FINE!!!! I'll go to my room!!! BUT CAN I PLEASE JUST STAY HOME!!!!! (me) NOW!!!!!!! okay so anyways this continues back and forth for about another 30 minutes, I'm determined not to give in, besides I can't leave him with the sitter because they have made it clear that they simply can't handle him. He ends up coming to work with me and low and behold has a great time (thanks to my boss keeping video games in his office! ug) We get home and no sooner do we walk in the door and he starts pestering his older brother to go outside, when his bro refuses, the fights on again! I walk in and inform B that he does not have the right to demand that his brother play with him, I remind him he's more than welcome to go outside by himself. Okay WORLD WAR 2 (for the day) starts over again.. read above for a pretty good picture of how the fight went since it was pretty much identical to the earlier fight. About 2 hours later I ask him to do his chore, yep you guessed it.. WORLD WAR 3, see above description.. lol Bedtime: WORLD WAR 4, this time he's just making stuff up as he goes along to fight with me, then when I finally get mad and take something of his away, he starts pushing, punching and yelling at me. all of a sudden all 4 wars appear as one in my eyes, and I snap.. I lash out and hit him back, he then informs me that what I did was child abuse, I confirm he's right and tell him I'll get the phone and call social services immediatly... he freaks out again and begs me not to call. Now I don't mean to get on a pitty pot here, and I certainly don't want to make excuses for my actions, but geez! I felt so trapped, no where to escape, no way to hide from the constant screaming, I honestly remember thinking.. DAMIT, I'll gladly go to jail for beating him if I can just get 5 damn minutes of quite time! (I didn't beat him by the way) well maybe not physcially but in my mind I wont deny that the thought crossed my mind. My fear is one of these days I will hurt him, I will not be able to stop myself. I worry that I can't reach out, his Dad lives in another province and is just waiting for me to slip up so he can take him away from me, I worry if I tell social services that they'll just take him away too, or tell his Dad.. either way he'll be gone. I have so much on my plate right now, we have no food, and in 2 months we have to move, yet I don't even know where we will go, my car broke down so I dont even have a way to get out of the house to get to the food bank, and quite frankly I find myself wondering if maybe he wouldn't be better off at his fathers, then I remember the last time he was at his Dads, the desperate phone calls begging me to come get him, his little voice shaking as he tried to talk quiet, I remember him telling me how at night he laid in bed and closed his eyes and prayed that when he opened them he would be back with me and his brothers and sisters, I remember crying and promising God if he just let me get him back from his Fathers I would never send him away again.