Q

[standswithcourage]

I am so upset. My daughter is getting married Oct. 13. She has been seeing this guy for 6 years. She started datiing him when she was 16 and he was 22. Now they live together. anyway, my son that is 17 isnt going to do anything in the wedding but give out programs. At first they were going to have him walk me down the aisle but now it seems that they just want the groomsmen to do that. She says it is because her fiance is not "friends" with her brother and that is why. I find that hard to bealieve. I think her fiance is anal! He is a me first and appearance kinda guy. It seems she would know that by now. she broke up with him once and then he freaked out - threatened to end his life - called me crying, etc. What in the world? Anyway it hurt my feelings. We are doing everything we can to help her with this wedding. I am giving my whole paycheck and more. Both her dad and I have done everything we could - sometimes she is not grateful. He comes from a mother that has had 3 husbands. I got so upset when she said that about her brother not walking me down the aisle. She blamed it on the church director but I beg it was her fiance that didnt want it. He wants everyone to look like they walked out of CQ magazine.! Help please. I dont want to lose her. She is very independent. Lives her own life - doesnt ask for money - I mmiss her.

 

[Hound dog]

Susan

Take deep breaths. I know your sons feelings are hurt, and yours too, but you must remember that this is your daughter's wedding. This is HER big day. She and her groom have the right to have it any way they wish. It is supposed to be a special day for them to remember forever.

I'm sure your son has daughter's b/f figured out after all these years. I'm sorry he's such a royal PITA.

Let it go. Actually it is just a small matter anyway. You don't want this to grow to cause a rift between you and your daughter.

Weddings can be such stressful events. Which is the reason I made sure mine was as small and simple as possible. by the way, it STILL managed to stress the heck out of my Mom. lol (and husband and I were handling and paying for the whole thing)

(((hugs)))

 

[witzend]

I know that you are hurt. When I was about 12, my oldest sister W had a falling out (to put it mildly) with my father. The middle sister S got married about a year later. They were only two years apart and very close. My dad wouldn't let S have W as a bridesmaid. She attended, and my father ignored her. S tried to bargain with my dad by saying if W couldn't be in the wedding, neither could I. My mom and dad forced S to have me in her wedding. I knew my dad hated my sister, but I didn't really understand the dynamics of it.

As an adult, at one point my sisters and I were talking, and it turned out that both of them were very bitter about my having been in S's wedding. W, because she couldn't be, and S because she'd wanted W. So, my dad succeeded in making us all miserable about it for the rest of our lives.

I know you would like it if your daughter stood up for your son, but if she won't, she won't. It's not something you can dictate. You can look her squarely in the eye and say with the utmost calm, "I'm really disappointed that you didn't include your brother in a more meaningful way." But it will only really sink in if you can leave it at that no matter what she says or does in reply. It probably won't change anything, but in the long run, she'll know that you can deal with real disappointment without hysteria or judgment.

in my humble opinion, forcing her or making a fuss will come back and bite you in the long run.

 

[DammitJanet]

My take on it is that number one...isnt it your husband that should be walking you down the isle really? And number two...she knows...and her boyfriend knows what kind of trouble her brother has gotten into these past few years. Why on earth would they want to chance him messing up the wedding?

I know it hurts. I wasnt even invited to be in any part of my stepsisters wedding other than as a guest. Oh well. I watched. It was ok. It was a lovely wedding. She is a lovely person.

 

[nvts]

Hi Susan!

Relax. On your signature, it says your 17 year old is a easy child. Seventeen year old guys have some sense. Set him up in your room Saturday morning and let him watch MTV's Bridezillas or that stupid show about sweet 16's. Tell him that this is what his sister is transforming into, and she'll be normal once the whole wedding fandango is over. Then make arrangements for him to have some friends over for a movie/pizza night, set him up for them to go to the movies, bowling, whatever. Let him know that HE'S still the important one and that you respect him for being kind about the whole thing. :bravo:

I beg you not to let this escalate into hard feelings. If her soon to be husband is this anal, she's going to need to be able to talk to you over the years feeling that she's not going to be judged for marrying this guy. If you throw this in his lap, and make a big to-do, she's NOT going to stay close. With some kids, this could jeaopardize your relationship not only with HER but with future grandchildren, etc. :hammer:

Could it be that this is just representing what you perceive to be the "final nail in the coffin" of the relationship that you have with her? She loves you, but right now (whether you're aware that you're doing it or not) IF the fiance is the one wanting this, you're making her choose between you and her future husband. This is not a confrontation or a memory that you want to plant. Smile big, know in your heart that you're right, and make it an enjoyable day. By the way, give PC17 (our hero) a camera and put HIM in charge of the "Family Photo Album" for the wedding and reception. He'll get shots that no paid photographer could get. Develop double prints and let him make an album for her as his gift for the wedding. Kill her with kindness...that always gets 'em! :wink:

Let us know how it goes!

Beth

 

[DammitJanet]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....you have ANOTHER son....whoooops!!!! Gee..maybe I should read a profile or two huh?

I thought you just had the two kids...difficult child and daughter. Forget my other reply.

I agree with Beth. My middle son is gonna have a wedding coming up sometime and I am dreading it because I just know its gonna be some kind of fiasco. Her family is nuts and mine isnt much better...lol.

 

[Nancy]

Your daughter is being selfish, you should be able to have your son walk you down the aisle.

But I guess you will have to decide if you want this to cause a permanent rift in the family.

I'm sorry, I know this is painful.

Nancy

 

[susiestar]

Hugs, I hate it when families use weddings or other events to bash each other over the head. I hope nothing happens that causes permanent rifts or bad feelings for any of you.

My daddy always says (and amazingly is RIGHT about this): Love thine enemy. Drives 'em NUTS!

Hugs,

Susie

 

[WhymeMom?]

stands, I would so let go of this. In the end no one will even remember who walked you down the aisle. Is your son sitting with you? If so, he will be with you anyway. Handing out programs seems alot more fun that waiting til everyone is seated and walking down the aisle.

When my daughter got married I was hoping she would ask both her father and I to walk her down the aisle, she didn't--she went traditionally with her dad. I kept my mouth shut and never said a word. After four years of marriage they divorced, so wasn't worth a fit at the wedding.

Part of being a parent is to give advice WHEN asked. The rest of the time you have to hold your tongue and let stuff go--in the big picture of life its just not worth the frustration.....

How does your easy child son feel about this?

 

[donna723]

Well, I wouldn't think that a "church director" would tell them that! You can pretty much do what you want to along those lines. My daughter and sister in law got married in a lovely small church wedding - sister in law's dad was his Best Man. Both of them each have one younger brother and the brothers were the ushers. When it was time for the mothers to be seated, sister in law's brother escorted their grandmother down the aisle to her seat, then went back and escorted their mom. Then my son escorted me down the aisle. It was lovely, and it was something I will always remember.

The same day my daughter got married, the daughter of one of my cousins also got married in another state. She was another one that got absolutely silly and obsessed that everything looked like it was right out of a magazine ad. For the ring bearer and flower girls, she chose the kids of one of her neighbors that she hardly knew over several small kids in the family that she's related to - she considered the neighbors kids to be "cuter"! It's been three years and there's some in the family who are still mad at her!

 

[scent of cedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: nvts</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hi Susan!

Relax. On your signature, it says your 17 year old is a easy child. Seventeen year old guys have some sense. Set him up in your room Saturday morning and let him watch MTV's Bridezillas or that stupid show about sweet 16's. Tell him that this is what his sister is transforming into, and she'll be normal once the whole wedding fandango is over. Then make arrangements for him to have some friends over for a movie/pizza night, set him up for them to go to the movies, bowling, whatever. Let him know that HE'S still the important one and that you respect him for being kind about the whole thing. :bravo:

I beg you not to let this escalate into hard feelings. If her soon to be husband is this anal, she's going to need to be able to talk to you over the years feeling that she's not going to be judged for marrying this guy. If you throw this in his lap, and make a big to-do, she's NOT going to stay close. With some kids, this could jeaopardize your relationship not only with HER but with future grandchildren, etc. :hammer:

Could it be that this is just representing what you perceive to be the "final nail in the coffin" of the relationship that you have with her? She loves you, but right now (whether you're aware that you're doing it or not) IF the fiance is the one wanting this, you're making her choose between you and her future husband. This is not a confrontation or a memory that you want to plant. Smile big, know in your heart that you're right, and make it an enjoyable day. By the way, give PC17 (our hero) a camera and put HIM in charge of the "Family Photo Album" for the wedding and reception. He'll get shots that no paid photographer could get. Develop double prints and let him make an album for her as his gift for the wedding. Kill her with kindness...that always gets 'em! :wink:

Let us know how it goes!

Beth </div></div>



I agree!

Very short on time this morning.

I really like the Bridezilla idea, to help easy child understand.

Something tells me daughter does not feel any better about this than you do ~ but that she must defer to her husband to be on this one.

If she is sure this is what she wants, that is what you will need to do, I think.

Barbara

 

[KFld]

Life is to short to worry about things like this. Years to come nobody is going to remember that your son didn't walk you down the aisle. Not even your son. But what will be remembered is if this turns into a huge fight and fiasco.

It is their day. Let them do it the way they want. Your son is still going to be a part of the wedding by passing out programs.

One of my oldest friends brother got married many years ago. The mother got into a huge arguement with him and his new wife at the wedding. This was probably 25 years ago. He never spoke to his mother again. She passed away a few months back and I don't think he even attended the service. He pretty much disowned her and the rest of the family after that.

Don't let her wedding day cause that to happen to you. The relationship you have the rest of your life with her will be much more important then what happens at her wedding.

Heck, if he's that much of a jerk, she'll probably end up divorcing him someday and telling you she's sorry she didn't let your son walk you down the aisle.

Sorry.... was that an awful thing to be predicting already?

 

[Star*]

When I asked my Mother a couple of years ago why she NEVER said she didn't like my x or felt it was wrong to marry him? She replied "I don't waste my breath on ears that won't listen." and she was right. Any interjection from her regarding my marriage would have just caused a rift on MY "special day". My wedding went off without a hitch, I thought it was beautiful, and my Mother sat in knowing the outcome but silent so I could have MY DAY. My marriage was abusive from the word I do - 13 years later when I left to live a life with a messed up child and severe PTST from being tortured by a real psychopath.

The choice you have is simple because it's already been made for you. YOU know your daughter and she's not going to change. She's not going to oppose her fiance, she is NOT going to go against his wishes for you or anyone else. In her mind she's not hurting her brother she's obeying her future husband. It's skewed logic at best.

I'm sorry for what I think are facts, but I've been there and done that, had counseling for years and won't ever do it again.

THIS IS JUST MY humble opinion. The plans are set, there is no changing her mind, his mind or how it makes you feel. It is what it is. Either find a way to deal with it, or continue to press the issues with your daughter and cause a rift.

It's just what I think -

Sorry for your pain
Hugs
Star

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks for all the posts. I guess I should let it go. I dont want to cause a problem. Who knows what will happen down the road. But I really am not surprised. It just hurts kinda. I believe my easy child could actually care less but if anything he and my daughter always got along - my easy child is a wonderful person - i am sure it is her fiances stuff. It seems to be all about him. Oh will maybe I am wrong. One time she and I were working in there yard. She had asked him to remove the shrubs. He had said it would take a truck and chains, etc. I told her I bet we could remove those shrubs by ourselves. Well, we sweated and did it. It didnt cost them any money. But we dug and dug. When he came home we kinda thought he would say something about how hard we had worked and that it looked good - but he pointed to my daughters head where she had one of his ball hats on and shook his head at her that she didnt need to have that hat on out in the yard and went into the house. I couldnt believe he did that. I left shortly after that because I felt I just needed to go. I felt bad for her. She knows how he is though. she has been with him for 5 years - she broke up with him once. That is the way he is. He told me once while they were broken up that I had given her bad advice as a parent. I told her that she needed to date other people because she started dating him at 16 and he was basically all she had every known. I am not so sure about this match. I will try and keep my mouth shut because I love her. Tough love is very hard.

 

[scent of cedar]

Your daughter is in love with the man she is going to marry.

If it comes down to it, her loyalty will be ~ as it should be ~ to her husband.

I think our tasks as the mothers of daughters is to cherish them.

We need to keep our own egos out of the picture altogether.

When our daughters feel cherished and loved by their mothers, they are stronger women and make better marriages.

Be gracious.

If the husband wants his marriage to be a certain way, that will be just fine.

Don't make this harder for your daughter.

Our task is to cherish our daughters and try never, ever, to say anything we will regret regarding husbands or children or housekeeping or ANYTHING.

Mothers hold more power than we know. If we are aware of this, we can strengthen our children so that they can choose wisely and change their situations if they need to.

Smile, and nod, and hug her and be so glad that you have a wonderful daughter.

And, if you have to bite your tongue right off to do it, be nice to the husband.

And his mom.

Otherwise?

You risk losing your daughter's trust.

What our daughters need from us more than advice is for us to believe they are wonderful, strong women.

Then, they will believe that, too.

That is the best gift you can give her.

Unless she asks you SPECIFICALLY for advice, or for your opinion, smile and nod and say "I love you so much, honey."

That is really all she needs to hear.

Everything else, she can handle.

Sometimes, when I don't know what to say? I say something like what do you think about that or what do you think is going to happen or some derivative thereof.

Or maybe I will buy her a card and send it off in the mail.

That is what I think our job is, with our grown children. To help them be strong, and to understand that no one does it perfectly every time, and that mistakes can be corrected.

I learned that here on the site, you know!

:rofl:

Barbara

 

[KFld]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: scent of cedar</div><div class="ubbcode-body">



I learned that here on the site, you know!

:rofl:

Barbara

</div></div>

Barbara, you are too funny!

 

[Sunlight]

I think your daughter's boyfriend is controlling her and everything else. try not to make her be even more stressed. let it go.

I do think they are wrong.

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree with both ant and barbara. but now I will just keep my mouth shut. My mother didnt like my husband. She was upset that I was going to marry him. She said I had disappointed her. I was always the peacemaker, good one, took up for everyone so my mother would be happy! So when it came time for my wedding - I couldnt walk down the isle - I cant blame it all on my mother but I was living at home then and the looks she would give me and some things she would say made me doubt my decision. On the day of my wedding I told her I was scared. She told me she would do whatever I wanted to do - either go through with it or not - my decision. I decided not to. I called my fiance (now my husband) and told him I was scared to death and couldnt go through with it. He was furious. We cancelled the wedding - I went my way - he went his. I suffered without him for a long time - maybe 6 months. Dated other people - some lawyers, etc. - didnt love any of them. I finally started seeing my husband again and fell in love with him all over. My mother was not very happy. We got married in Jan. 1977 5 months after we had called off our wedding. I practically had to ask him. My mother did not come to our small chapel wedding. She was the only one thata didnt come. I have never forgotten it. It hurts me more now than then. It really hurts me that I didnt go through with the wedding. My mother has passed away. I forgave her for that and I miss her so much. It hurt me. I do not want that for my daughter. My husband doesnt either. He says for me to keep my mouth shut - he knows the pain of having bad things said about you. I have been married tohim for 30 years!

 

[meowbunny]

It is time to let this go. Traditionally, it is the groomsmen who take family members to their seats (only the bride is "walked down the aisle"), so rather than worrying about who made the decision, simply leave it that someone read a book on weddings and felt more comfortable being traditional. Nothing wrong with that. Your easy child has an important job and it would be a shame if somone didn't get a program so you could be seated.

We all have choices. We can relive the past and make it an excuse for behavior in the present. We can live in the present and let the past be the past. We can live in the future and wonder why the future never comes. Obviously, different events will cause one choice or the other. It is what we do with that choice that matters. If we let the past control our present, we end up losing the importance of today. If we are so busy worrying about the future, we lose the present to the worry. If we simply live in the present, we don't take the lessons from the past to heart and learn from them and we don't have any hope because there is no future.

So, take a little of the past and let it teach you how to treat your son-in-law. Choose a little of dreaming of the future and smile at the potential there is for your daughter and her husband and, hopefully, her children. Keep a lot of the present around you so can enjoy every moment of today.

 

[standswithcourage]

Now my sister that lives with my 80 year old daddy says she doesnt want to drive to our house by herself~ Oh my gosh she has kknown for months that my niece was going to be the flower girl. My sister lives in Valdosta GA. I have driven to see her and daddy by myself before. However my brother and sisiter in law live in Cairo GA and it is one hour and a half from my sister. I know my daddy doesnt want to make the triip but my sister better come. I was upset. I will put all of them uup in a hotel if I have too. any advice