Hi, I'm typically here just as a learner and haven't posted yet, but your son sounds so much like my 8 year old daughter I had to! My daughter's challenges started earlier than your sons, but otherwise I could be reading about her. Every child is different so this is just for your "research and maybe try" list, but for my daughter 90% or more of her behavior I can now attribute to diet. It's been a several year process, but we now know that she can't have dairy, gluten, any artificial dyes or additives to eat or on her skin (the Feingold association has been a great resource for this one) and we are now testing eggs - I've eliminated them but haven't reintroduced them yet. This past month (after we pulled eggs) she has been near perfect - and then last week she had a gumball and we lived through 4 days of raging, hitting, throwing (the old world)...and yesterday she was back to easy and happy again.
She has sensory processing disorder (SPD) (Occupational Therapist (OT) helped, diet helped more), vision issues (she was seeing double - who knew? Vision therapy has helped, but it took a lot of work to find a good doctor), and dyslexia. I suspect Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) - but this summer we are treating her dyslexia so all my money is going to that. An Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) assessment has to wait. Knowing all these things has helped understand her avoidance reactions - which can also look like defiance or hyperactivity. It also helps her teachers understand her, which means she come home less stressed.
I wish you all the best as you figure out what is going on with your son. I can hear how much you love him and how worried you are. I know exactly what that feels like...
