As I read these posts I see a sort of shadow over our words. Our expectations of them are so low. We are happy if they aren't causing mayhem. Regular rudeness is okay (sigh).
I was this way.
It is most likely that Kay's birthparents were of average intelligence, maybe with learning problems, like Kay. Alcohol may have also impacted Kay as her developing brain may have been affected by this substance.
Kay could have had a career in music...maybe teaching or singing for events. But she never had the intelligence to excel academically like her siblings did. She did not have the stick to it personality or emotional intelligence either. She couldn't help it. And she knew it and hated it.
My therapist said that often those who want to adopt are very high achievers. And usually the adopted children are substance exposed with birthparents who are not of very high intelligence. So we need to have realistic expectations about if our children, say, can do college. I didn't think of this until after the fact when I was in therapy. It never crossed my mind that Kay had less ability than the others. Sure, she struggled in school but I figured she would find a way to succeed, like me and my husband had, and our families.
I feel so silly now, but I believed that our love, example and willingness to help her along in childhood would certainly motivate her to be her best as an adult. We never thought of her not going to college until she refused. That sent our heads spinning. We had never imagined s child of ours not loving to learn as we did. Our influence did nothing in the end. She even gave up her music. That is sad. She has much talent there.
I guess this is another vent of mine. Regrets. Wishing I had known then what I know now. Feeling foolish.
But what good is it to overthink a past that is gone? I rarely do anymore. Kay refuses to do better, but my husband and I have to. And usually we do.
Thanks to all you kind, wise mom's who let me vent. I appreciate all of you. I send prayers.
