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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 756352" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Beta, I don’t know if helping Josh get a car is in your plans, but if it is, I think when you mentioned the volunteer work would have been a perfect opportunity to suggest that if he helps you with this work and perhaps other work he can do for you, you can help him work towards getting a car (or whatever item). But he has to contribute—Effort for lack of money on his part.</p><p></p><p>And I know it’s counterintuitive to pay someone for doing volunteer work, but that’s not the point. The point is to make him stop feeling entitled and realize that he has to put forth some effort in order to get what he wants from you. No free ride. I doubt you’ll ever get him to want to volunteer willingly, at least not now. But through working there, he will gain some insight into the current epidemic and how it is affecting people (or maybe he won’t care). But he will also be helping you. And he might even like it, who knows?</p><p></p><p>We do this with our son quite a bit. He is 19, formerly homeless, is now respectful and on good terms with us, but but lives in transitional housing and will probably never live in our home again. Too much water under the bridge. There are times, for instance, when his phone data card runs out or he needs money for this or that (he has a part-time job). Rather than just hand over the money, he’ll work with my husband doing odd jobs, yard work or whatever to earn either the item or money for the item. At times he has helped us with volunteer work we are involved in to earn something he wanted. My husband pays him a decent wage too. We do this to keep him from feeling entitled—something so many of our children who have grown up in good homes with advantages end up being. (And that included him!)</p><p></p><p>That is not to say we don’t sometimes just outright pay for something—it depends on the situation. For instance, tomorrow we are buying him a new phone as his stopped working. He is employed part-time at a school cafeteria and the school has closed until at least April 6, possibly longer, so he will have no money coming in through no fault of his own. His phone apparently stopped working and we were unaware, except that he hadn’t been in touch and we were getting concerned. So, to restore my peace of mind we’ll just buy the phone. That is a gift from us, not an entitlement. And we’ll probably take him food shopping weekly or bi-weekly until he gets another job or school starts again. And I often make food for him or a take him a plate from dinner.</p><p></p><p>My son is grateful for everything we do for him, thanks me often, and is quite a different person than the entitled, obnoxious, incorrigible boy who lived with us just last year. There is still very much room for improvement, (less pot smoking, better money management, any kind of goal) but this is where we are now.</p><p></p><p>And by the way...bless you for wanting to make him cookies even after he had been ungrateful at lunch. I probably would have asked him if he wanted to *help me* make cookies and if not, it would have been his loss because they wouldn’t get made! And double bless you for your restraint after his miserable comments later. I would have “sinned from my mouth!” No doubt. (I have that problem too, and apparently less self-control than you!)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 756352, member: 23742"] Beta, I don’t know if helping Josh get a car is in your plans, but if it is, I think when you mentioned the volunteer work would have been a perfect opportunity to suggest that if he helps you with this work and perhaps other work he can do for you, you can help him work towards getting a car (or whatever item). But he has to contribute—Effort for lack of money on his part. And I know it’s counterintuitive to pay someone for doing volunteer work, but that’s not the point. The point is to make him stop feeling entitled and realize that he has to put forth some effort in order to get what he wants from you. No free ride. I doubt you’ll ever get him to want to volunteer willingly, at least not now. But through working there, he will gain some insight into the current epidemic and how it is affecting people (or maybe he won’t care). But he will also be helping you. And he might even like it, who knows? We do this with our son quite a bit. He is 19, formerly homeless, is now respectful and on good terms with us, but but lives in transitional housing and will probably never live in our home again. Too much water under the bridge. There are times, for instance, when his phone data card runs out or he needs money for this or that (he has a part-time job). Rather than just hand over the money, he’ll work with my husband doing odd jobs, yard work or whatever to earn either the item or money for the item. At times he has helped us with volunteer work we are involved in to earn something he wanted. My husband pays him a decent wage too. We do this to keep him from feeling entitled—something so many of our children who have grown up in good homes with advantages end up being. (And that included him!) That is not to say we don’t sometimes just outright pay for something—it depends on the situation. For instance, tomorrow we are buying him a new phone as his stopped working. He is employed part-time at a school cafeteria and the school has closed until at least April 6, possibly longer, so he will have no money coming in through no fault of his own. His phone apparently stopped working and we were unaware, except that he hadn’t been in touch and we were getting concerned. So, to restore my peace of mind we’ll just buy the phone. That is a gift from us, not an entitlement. And we’ll probably take him food shopping weekly or bi-weekly until he gets another job or school starts again. And I often make food for him or a take him a plate from dinner. My son is grateful for everything we do for him, thanks me often, and is quite a different person than the entitled, obnoxious, incorrigible boy who lived with us just last year. There is still very much room for improvement, (less pot smoking, better money management, any kind of goal) but this is where we are now. And by the way...bless you for wanting to make him cookies even after he had been ungrateful at lunch. I probably would have asked him if he wanted to *help me* make cookies and if not, it would have been his loss because they wouldn’t get made! And double bless you for your restraint after his miserable comments later. I would have “sinned from my mouth!” No doubt. (I have that problem too, and apparently less self-control than you!) [/QUOTE]
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