Copa, I do think he functions in a way that allows him to protect his ego and his sense of worth, however, illogical and wrong it may be. I don't think he has the right to behave badly (and I know that's not what you're saying), and I do try to put myself in his shoes and look at his life and what it is at this moment. I just hope that one day he can come to a point in his life and within himself that he doesn't have to be so self-protective and will have the capacity to empathize and care about us, about his brother, about other people. I don't know if that will ever happen.
One of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, wrote a book called The Great Divorce, and in that book he addresses the topic of hell and what hell is like. His portrayal of hell is that it is a place where the inhabitants are fully and irrevocably focused on "self" and have no capacity at all to look any further than beyond that. Each inhabitant of hell is so consumed by "self" that have become merely a shadow or caricature of themselves and have lost what they were created by God to be--creatures made in His image to honor Him and love Him. When I see someone like our son being so self-consumed, that's what comes to mind. That in losing the capacity to love and to look outside of one's self, you lose your humanity. And that is a very sad thing.
I try to remind myself of this, which is why I sometimes have to literally walk away from him and go to another room!
Tomorrow will be three weeks. It's amazing to me too because my husband and I have talked in the past many times about how we would not be sure we could feel safe with him in the house, in light of the threatening, malicious text messages and phone calls he made. We knew it would be "hell" having him in the house, but we worried that might be dangerous. So far, I have not felt threatened by him in any way.
